Why “No Regrets” Is Bad Advice

Summary of Why “No Regrets” Is Bad Advice

by Pushkin Industries

30m•June 22, 2026
Listen to Episode

Overview of Why “No Regrets” Is Bad Advice

This episode of The Happiness Lab argues that the popular “#noregrets” mindset is misleading and ultimately unhealthy. Dr. Laurie Santos explains that regret is a normal, common, and even useful emotion—not something to suppress or deny. Drawing on research from Daniel Pink, Liz Fosslien, and other experts, the episode shows how regret can help us clarify our values, recognize what matters most, and make better decisions in the future.

Main Ideas and Takeaways

  • “No regrets” is unrealistic

    • Almost everyone experiences regret.
    • Research suggests over 90% of people report serious regret about at least one life decision.
    • Trying to live without regret is not only impossible, it can also prevent learning.

  • Regret is painful, but functional

    • Regret forces us to:
      • accept responsibility,
      • mentally revisit the past,
      • imagine a different choice,
      • and compare that alternate path to reality.
    • That pain is part of what makes regret useful—it signals that something matters.

  • Our minds often bias us toward “if only” thinking

    • People tend to focus more on upward counterfactuals:
      • “If only I had done X...”
    • This happens more often than “at least” thinking, which usually feels more stabilizing.
    • The episode argues that this negative bias can hurt, but it also contains information.

  • Regret often reveals our ideal self

    • Long-term regrets usually come from not living up to who we want to be, not just who we feel obligated to be.
    • The show highlights the difference between:
      • Ideal self: the version of you aligned with your values and aspirations.
      • Ought self: the version shaped by duty, pressure, and expectations.
    • The deepest regrets often come from ignoring the ideal self.

Key Examples from the Episode

  • Liz Fosslien’s regret

    • She declined to help her mother after her grandmother died because work felt too urgent.
    • Years later, she still felt deep pain about not being there.
    • That regret became a creative and emotional source of insight, helping her prioritize showing up for loved ones in the future.

  • Malcolm Gladwell’s regret

    • He reflects on choosing Indiana over a year in Jamaica after college.
    • The story illustrates how small seeming decisions can become lasting points of reflection.

  • Final-life regrets

    • The episode references Bronnie Ware’s work with dying patients.
    • Common end-of-life regrets include:
      • not living authentically,
      • working too much,
      • not expressing feelings,
      • and caring too much about others’ opinions.
    • These align more with failing the ideal self than the ought self.

What Regret Can Teach Us

1. Use regret as information

Regret should be treated as a signal, not a shame spiral. It can reveal:

  • what you value,
  • what kind of person you want to be,
  • and what choices you should make differently next time.

2. Distinguish between action and inaction regrets

  • Action regrets: things you did and can possibly repair.
    • Best response: admit, apologize, make amends.
  • Inaction regrets: things you failed to do.
    • Best response: do it now if possible.
    • Example: reach out, apply, travel, speak up, or take the chance.

3. Self-compassion matters

For regrets that cannot be fixed:

  • be kind to yourself,
  • avoid endless self-punishment,
  • and recognize mistakes as part of being human.

4. Reframe the story

Useful techniques include:

  • replacing “should have” with “what if”
  • looking for an “at least” perspective
  • writing or talking about regrets to make them concrete and less overwhelming
  • extracting a lesson and applying it going forward

Practical Advice from the Episode

  • Don’t chase a “regret-free” life—it doesn’t exist.
  • When facing a hard choice, ask:
    • “Which option aligns more with my ideal self?”
    • “What will I be more likely to regret in 10 years?”
  • If you’re hesitating to reconnect with someone, reach out sooner rather than later.
  • If a regret is repairable, repair it.
  • If it isn’t, let it teach you instead of trapping you.

Bottom Line

The episode’s central message is that regret is not proof you’ve failed—it’s evidence that you care. Rather than avoiding regret, we should learn how to listen to it. When handled well, regret can become a guide toward more authentic, values-driven, and ultimately happier living.