Overview of Why It Hurts to Hold a Grudge — and How to Let Go with Dr. Fred Luskin
This episode of The Happiness Lab (host Dr. Laurie Santos) explores the psychological and physical cost of holding grudges and presents forgiveness as a trainable practice that can restore peace, reduce stress and pain, and improve relationships. Dr. Fred Luskin (Stanford Forgiveness Project) explains what forgiveness actually is (and isn’t), shares clinical and embodied techniques, and uses powerful real-world stories (including Northern Ireland and Miroslav Volf’s family) to show how forgiveness works in practice.
Episode details
- Host: Dr. Laurie Santos (The Happiness Lab)
- Main guest: Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project
- Additional archive excerpt: Miroslav Volf (Yale theologian) on his family’s experience of forgiveness
- Framing: Spring as a “temporal fresh start” (Katie Milkman research) — a good time to “spring clean” emotional clutter like grievances
Key themes and main takeaways
- Forgiveness ≠ reconciliation and ≠ forgetting. You can forgive without reconnecting; forgiveness is a change in relationship to a past wrong, not erasure of the memory.
- Luskin’s working definition: forgiveness is “making peace with the word no” — becoming at peace with what you didn’t get and with your life now.
- Holding on to grudges harms mental and physical health (more depression, anger, stress, headaches, worse sleep). Chronic emotional pain and chronic physical pain are linked.
- Forgiveness is brave, not weak. It requires grieving the wound, feeling the pain, then releasing suffering in order to reclaim one’s life.
- Forgiveness is a practice: messy, iterative, and often partial—people forgive, regress, forgive again.
Why unforgiveness hurts (evidence & effects)
- Research and Luskin’s program participants (including victims of violent conflict) report decreases in depression, anger, perceived stress, and chronic pain after forgiveness interventions.
- Psychological mechanism: perseverative anger keeps the nervous system aroused; chronic emotional arousal wires into physical pain systems.
- Social cost: when you ruminate on grievances you can become alienated from loved ones, miss joy in life, and damage relationships.
What forgiveness is — and is not
- Is not condoning bad behavior or implying the wrong was acceptable.
- Is not necessarily reconciliation or trust restoration.
- Is not forgetting; it’s “remembering differently” — reframing the story so it no longer controls your present.
- Is a gift you give yourself (and, if you choose, to others): unhook the deed from the doer so the past stops colonizing your present/future.
Practical steps & exercises (actionable)
- Start small and practice privately
- In the shower or alone, rehearse: “Can I forgive them? What would that look like?”
- Gratitude practice
- Balance “what I didn’t get” with what you did receive to widen perspective.
- Cognitive reframes
- Use simple mantras: “I can’t always get what I want.” Try different narratives about the event.
- Embodied techniques
- Anchor in your center with breath (slow, grounding breaths).
- Conjure and hold a positive feeling (love, awe, kindness) physically to counter-condition stress.
- Sunlight exercise: open to warmth/beauty to calm the nervous system.
- Focus on present and future
- Shift attention from replaying the past to building a life and relationships now.
- Start with people who matter
- Prioritize forgiving those you love (research links forgiveness to marital stability).
- Expect messiness
- Forgiveness is iterative; you may forgive and then need to forgive again.
Memorable examples & stories
- Patricia McGee (Northern Ireland): After her brother’s murder and the killers’ release, participating in Luskin’s class reduced her depression, anger, and physical symptoms and allowed her to speak about her brother without collapsing.
- Luskin’s personal story: Betrayal by a close friend led to agitated depression; learning gratitude and using cognitive therapy on himself helped him heal and develop the Stanford Forgiveness Project.
- Miroslav Volf family story: Volf’s parents forgave a soldier involved in their son’s accidental death; forgiveness helped them turn toward life, care for remaining children, and regain hope. Volf frames forgiveness as a gift that unsticks deed from doer and opens future possibility.
Notable quotes
- Fred Luskin: “Forgiveness I now define as simply being at peace with your life. Right now, right here.”
- Luskin on forgetting: “You forgive by remembering differently. You don't forget.”
- Miroslav Volf: “Forgiveness has a structure of a gift... the content of forgiveness is not counting the wrongdoing.”
Quick 5-step action plan you can try this week
- Pick one low-to-moderate grievance (a petty fight, coworker slight).
- Spend 5 minutes alone narrating the event, then imagine an alternate, less-self-consuming story about it.
- Practice 3 minutes of slow belly breaths and hold an image of warmth or gratitude.
- Say to yourself: “I can’t always get what I want,” and list 3 things in your life that are still good.
- Repeat over several days; expect backslides and keep treating forgiveness as practice.
Cautions and mindset reminders
- Forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation, condoning, or forgetting.
- It’s not a quick fix—requires grieving, courage, and often professional support for severe trauma.
- Forgiveness is scalable: start small, build skill, then apply to bigger grievances.
Bottom line
Forgiveness is a practical, trainable skill that reduces emotional and physical suffering by changing how you remember and relate to past hurts. It’s an active, often gradual practice—anchored in gratitude, cognitive reframing, breath/body work, and willingness to let go—that frees attention for present and future wellbeing. This spring, consider “airing out” one grievance as a kind of emotional spring cleaning.