Overview of "How to Feel Truly Loved" (The Happiness Lab episode)
This Happiness Lab episode (host Dr. Laurie Santos) features social psychologists Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis discussing their new book, How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most. They argue that feeling loved is a distinct experience (not just loving others) and is critical for psychological and physical health. The conversation centers on five research-backed mindsets people can adopt—sharing, listening to learn, radical curiosity, open‑heartedness, and multiplicity—to increase the quality of their relationships and, ultimately, their sense of being loved.
Key takeaways / main points
- Feeling loved is different from objectively being loved; many people (≈70%) feel less loved than they want.
- Not feeling loved has major psychological and physical consequences (linked to loneliness, worse health outcomes, higher mortality).
- You usually don’t need to "be more lovable"—you can change the conversation and behaviors you control to increase felt love.
- Adopt five mindsets that shape interactions toward mutual understanding and care: share authentically, listen to learn, be radically curious, act with an open heart, and recognize people’s multiplicity.
- These are practical, trainable skills (rituals, questions, kindness practices) and require sustained effort; sometimes relationships won’t respond and may need reevaluation.
The five mindsets (what they mean and why they work)
1) Sharing (vulnerability done well)
- Be genuine and disclose progressively (not oversharing immediately).
- Vulnerability builds authenticity and makes positive responses feel real.
- Beware the illusion of transparency: others don’t automatically know your inner state—say it out loud (e.g., “I had a rough day”).
2) Listen to learn
- Most people think they’re good listeners, but others rarely feel listened to (survey gap: ~90% vs ~8%).
- Listen to learn, not to respond—try listening as if you'll be quizzed later.
- Follow up with questions that show you were paying attention and that deepen the conversation.
3) Radical curiosity
- Go beyond passive listening: be genuinely interested in people (not just topics).
- Ask questions the other person enjoys answering; focus on how experiences feel to them.
- Curiosity expands the self (self‑expansion theory) and strengthens bonds.
4) Open‑heartedness
- Assume benign intentions, be generous, kind, and communal (caring for others’ welfare).
- Acts of kindness for others boost the giver’s long‑term well‑being and generate positive relationship outcomes.
- Open‑hearted behavior reduces defensiveness and builds trust.
5) Multiplicity (seeing people as complex)
- Recognize people have many facets—strengths and flaws—and don’t let one bad act define them.
- Apply this kindness to yourself: self‑compassion opens you to receiving others’ love.
- When conflicts arise, combine curiosity + benign interpretation to reduce judgment.
Evidence & consequences (selected findings mentioned)
- Feeling socially disconnected has comparable health risks to smoking ~15 cigarettes per day.
- Lack of meaningful connections predicted increased cancer mortality in one California study.
- Experimental cold‑virus studies: people who felt socially isolated were more likely to become ill after exposure.
- Acts of kindness for others produced lasting benefits for the giver (less stress, lower depression) and even favorable gene‑expression changes (reduced inflammatory markers, greater antiviral expression).
- Kids asked to do kindnesses became more popular and showed social gains.
Practical strategies & examples
- Change the conversation: make the other person feel loved first (listen, ask, show curiosity).
- Small disclosures: replace “I’m fine” with “I had a rough day” to invite deeper responses.
- Listening practice: tell someone a story, then try to retell it; train listening as if you’ll be tested.
- Ask questions people love answering (remember details and follow up later).
- Build rituals (daily “how was your day?” check‑ins that allow space for conversation, not multitasking).
- Do regular acts of kindness for others (weekly) rather than only self‑care treats.
- In conflict, pause to be curious about the other’s perspective instead of reacting judgmentally.
- Cultivate self‑compassion so you can receive compliments and care without suspicion.
When these strategies don’t work (caveats & next steps)
- Reciprocity usually follows, but not always. If you consistently apply these mindsets and the other person never reciprocates, consider: having a direct conversation about it, giving it more time, pausing expectations, or possibly stepping back from the relationship.
- These are long‑term investments—don’t expect immediate transformation after one try.
- Avoid weaponizing vulnerability (don’t overshare too soon); pace disclosures appropriately.
Quick 7‑day action plan (practical mini‑experiment)
Day 1: Replace one “I’m fine” with a small truthful disclosure.
Day 2: Do 10 minutes of listening practice—tell a partner/friend a story and then paraphrase theirs.
Day 3: Ask someone one question they love answering; listen without interrupting.
Day 4: Do one small act of kindness for someone else (no expected return).
Day 5: Create a 10‑minute evening ritual to ask and respond to “How was your day?” without screens.
Day 6: When you notice judgment, pause and ask a curious question instead.
Day 7: Practice self‑compassion—write one thing you forgive yourself for and one kindness you’ll do for yourself.
Notable quotes from the episode
- “You don’t have to change yourself or the other person. You just have to change the conversation.” —Sonja Lyubomirsky
- “If you want to feel more loved, you don’t have to change yourself. You just have to change the conversation.” —episode summary / refrain
- “Listen to learn, not to respond.” —Harry Reis / Sonja (theme)
If you want deeper guidance, Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis’ book How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most organizes these principles into practical exercises and examples for friendships, families, and romantic relationships.