Overview of Your Toddler Isn’t Listening. Here’s Why.
In this episode of Unruffled, Janet Lansbury explains why a toddler’s “noncompliance” is often not defiance at all, but a mismatch between adult expectations and a very young child’s developmental reality. Using a parent’s example of a 15-month-old repeatedly climbing unsafe stairs at a relative’s house, she shows how toddlers are driven by intense curiosity, movement, and exploration—and why verbal explanations alone usually do not stop them. Her core message: set limits early, stay calm, say less, and physically follow through with loving confidence.
Main Takeaways
Toddlers aren’t ignoring you on purpose
- A young child may understand some language, but that doesn’t mean they can stop a compelling impulse just because an adult explains why.
- At this age, curiosity and motor development often override verbal direction.
- What looks like “cheeky” defiance is usually excitement, experimentation, or being deeply absorbed in an activity.
Repeating yourself usually makes things worse
- Janet argues that repeating warnings, explanations, or reminders often increases frustration for both parent and child.
- The more charged and wordy the adult response becomes, the more interesting or intense the situation can feel to the child.
- Repetition can also make parents feel like they’re failing when the real issue is simply that the child is developmentally unable to comply yet.
Connection matters more than argument
- The goal is not to convince the child with logic, but to understand their perspective and respond from there.
- Effective boundaries are grounded in calm, empathetic action rather than lots of explanations.
- Janet emphasizes “having the child’s back” by seeing what they need and stepping in before the situation escalates.
The Stair Example: What Went Wrong and Why
The parent’s approach
The mother:
- explained that the stairs were dangerous,
- offered a choice to get down or be carried,
- repeated her limit several times,
- and then felt guilty when her son kept returning to the stairs.
Why it didn’t work
- The child was highly motivated to climb; the activity itself was the reward.
- “Dangerous” had little meaning to a toddler in the moment.
- Choices and explanations came after he was already focused and “stuck” on the stairs.
- The back-and-forth gave the stairs more energy and attention, which may have made them even more compelling.
What Janet Recommends Instead
1. Set the limit early
- Intervene as soon as the child shows interest in something unsafe.
- Don’t wait until they’ve already gotten deeply absorbed.
2. Use fewer words
- Keep it simple and genuine:
- “I won’t let you climb here.”
- “You really want to do that.”
- “I’m stopping you.”
- The tone should communicate understanding, not debate.
3. Physically prevent the behavior
- When words don’t work, calmly block access or gently move the child.
- Don’t keep carrying them back to the exact same temptation if that just restarts the cycle.
- If possible, position yourself to block the stairs, or choose a different room/activity.
4. Stay boring and calm
- Janet suggests a low-drama, “ho-hum” response.
- The goal is to make the limit feel steady and unremarkable, not emotionally loaded.
5. Reduce temptation when you can
- Before visiting unfamiliar homes, anticipate unsafe or enticing areas.
- Bring a gate, choose a child-safe room, or arrange the visit differently.
- If needed, leave the environment rather than trying to repeatedly win a battle the toddler is not developmentally able to stop.
Broader Parenting Insight
Janet uses this example to make a bigger point about toddler discipline:
- Discipline starts with understanding, not punishment.
- Boundaries work best when we recognize what the child is actually experiencing.
- Young children live in the moment; they are not planning ahead or weighing consequences like adults.
- Parents can reduce stress by accepting that certain behaviors are normal developmental impulses, not personal disrespect.
Recommended Resources Mentioned
- How Discipline Begins — Janet Lansbury’s new book
- No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame
- Related podcast episodes on:
- repeating yourself,
- gentle discipline,
- and setting limits early
Bottom Line
The episode’s central lesson is that toddlers often aren’t “not listening” so much as being powerfully driven by curiosity and impulse. Janet’s advice is to stop trying to reason a young child out of the moment, and instead respond with calm, early, consistent boundaries that respect both the child’s development and the parent’s need for sanity.