Overview of We Can't Make Them Share
In this Unruffled episode, Janet Lansbury responds to a parent’s question about teaching a 2.5-year-old to share—specifically in a family dinner situation involving blueberries and a later ice pack request. Her main point is that children do not learn sharing through force or pressure. Instead, they learn generosity, empathy, and boundary-respect through daily experience, clear adult leadership, and being treated with respect themselves.
Main Topic: What Real Sharing Looks Like
Janet distinguishes between:
- Forcing a child to give something up
- Helping a child develop an actual generous spirit
She argues that true sharing is voluntary. If adults insist, coax, guilt, or pressure a child into handing something over, the child may learn compliance or resentment—not sharing.
She emphasizes that children learn these traits from what they experience in relationships:
- Adults sharing with them when appropriate
- Adults apologizing and making amends
- Adults showing respect, consistency, and generosity
Analysis of the Blueberries Example
Janet breaks down the dinner situation:
- Grandpa asked, “Can I have one?” but didn’t really mean to accept “no,” making it a false question
- When the child refused, Grandpa tried emotional pressure: “You’re making me sad”
- Janet says this kind of manipulation does not help children learn healthy social skills
Her key point: if Grandpa wanted a blueberry, he should have been direct and clear rather than pretending the child had a choice.
Bigger Pattern Behind the Conflict
Janet also looks beyond the single incident and suggests that the family may be unintentionally reinforcing a child-centered dynamic:
- The child gets special food requests honored
- Adults quickly accommodate his wants
- Family members may be overly focused on avoiding his disappointment
She argues that while it’s loving to care about a child’s feelings, children also need:
- Boundaries
- Disappointment
- Adults who don’t automatically prioritize every desire
This helps children become more resilient and less possessive.
The Ice Pack Example and Boundary Setting
The ice pack moment illustrates the same idea:
- The child wants Grandpa’s ice pack
- Janet suggests that instead of automatically getting him one, the parent could explain that it’s for someone who is hurt
- If the child is disappointed, that’s okay
Her point is that children do not need adults to fulfill every request just because it’s easy or because they’re upset. Sometimes the best lesson is a calm, respectful “no.”
How to Actually Teach Sharing
Janet says sharing is taught through:
- Respecting children
- Allowing them to feel disappointment
- Not making them the center of every interaction
- Modeling fairness and generosity
- Holding reasonable boundaries
She frames this as part of shifting away from both:
- Authoritarian parenting: where children are controlled
- Permissive parenting: where children are over-indulged
The goal is a balanced approach where adults lead kindly but firmly.
Advice for Responding to Grandparents
Rather than trying to “explain” sharing in a debate-like way, Janet suggests:
- Acknowledge that boundaries go both ways
- Recognize that the child does not have to share every time
- Also recognize that others do not have to share with the child every time
- Model the behavior you want to see
Her practical suggestion is to focus less on convincing others and more on calmly living the values you want the child to absorb.
Key Takeaways
- Children cannot be made to genuinely share
- Forcing sharing teaches obedience, not generosity
- False questions and guilt-tripping undermine trust
- Children learn from adult modeling more than lectures
- Boundaries and disappointment are healthy parts of development
- Adults should not over-accommodate children’s every desire
- Respect works both ways
Bottom Line
Janet’s central message is that sharing is not a lesson taught through pressure. It develops when children experience:
- clear limits,
- respectful leadership,
- emotional safety,
- and adults who model generosity without surrendering all boundaries.
Her advice to parents is to stop trying to control the child’s behavior in the moment and instead create a family environment where empathy, restraint, and mutual respect can naturally grow.