Overview of The Scary Things Kids Need to Tell Us
In this Unruffled episode, Janet Lansbury responds to a parent whose sensitive 5.5-year-old daughter has been repeatedly saying she has been thinking about dying and doesn’t want to be alive. Janet frames this not as something to shut down or instantly “fix,” but as a child’s way of expressing overwhelm, grief, and fear during major life changes. Her central message: children need emotional safety and acceptance when they share scary feelings, even when those feelings are hard for parents to hear.
Main Theme: Let Feelings Be Shared
Janet emphasizes that the most helpful response is not to argue with, distract from, or reassure away the feeling too quickly.
Why this matters
- Children often use intense or symbolic language to express distress.
- If a parent reacts with alarm or tries to close the topic, the child may feel their feelings are unsafe to share.
- Allowing the child to express themselves fully helps the feeling “move through” rather than get stuck or emerge in other behaviors.
Core principle
- Feelings are not facts.
- Feelings come and go.
- Sharing feelings and being accepted helps children feel better.
The Parent’s Situation
The listener described a daughter who is:
- Highly intelligent, sensitive, and strong-willed
- Prone to intense overwhelm and outbursts
- Going through multiple big transitions:
- A move to a new house, far from home
- A new school
- A new baby sibling
The child began saying things like:
- She had been thinking about dying
- She didn’t want to be alive because she didn’t want to die
- She didn’t understand the point of being alive
The parent responded at different times by:
- Trying to normalize the topic
- Explaining that thinking about dying doesn’t make it happen
- Eventually revealing her own distress by saying she would be devastated if the child died
Janet sees this as a very human response, but one that may unintentionally signal to the child that the topic is too upsetting to talk about.
Janet’s Guidance on How to Respond
Janet suggests the parent already knows the answer from her experience with tantrums in infancy: the goal is not to stop the expression, but to allow it.
What to do instead
- Stay open and curious
- Thank the child for telling you
- Ask gentle questions
- Let silence and discomfort exist
- Avoid rushing to explain the feeling away
Examples of more helpful responses
- “Thank you for telling me.”
- “I’m glad you told me.”
- “What does that feel like for you?”
- “When do you notice those thoughts?”
- “What seems scary about it?”
Why Kids Say Scary Things
Janet explains that children often voice frightening ideas during periods of change or grief. In this case, the daughter may be processing:
- Loss of her old home
- The move
- The arrival of a new sibling
- Starting school
- The general disorientation of change
For young children, “death” or “wanting to die” may not always be literal in the adult sense. It can symbolize:
- Fear
- Loss
- Overwhelm
- A need to talk about something big and hard
When to Be Concerned
Janet notes that if the parent suspects actual depression or a deeper mental health issue, it’s appropriate to seek professional help.
Signs that may warrant extra support
- Persistent sadness or withdrawal
- Changes in sleep or eating
- Loss of interest in activities
- Ongoing hopelessness or isolation
Her point is not to dismiss serious concerns, but to distinguish between:
- A child expressing scary feelings during upheaval
- A child showing broader signs of mental health distress
Key Takeaways
- A child sharing scary thoughts is often a sign of trust, not something to punish or shut down.
- Parents should try to tolerate their own discomfort so they can remain emotionally available.
- Trying to “fix” or talk a child out of feelings can make the feelings persist.
- Change is loss for children, and intense language may reflect that grief.
- The best support is calm acceptance, curiosity, and openness.
Final Message
Janet closes by reminding parents that this is one of the hardest things to hear from a child, but also one of the most important moments to get right. If children feel safe bringing scary feelings into the open, they are more likely to process them in a healthy way and move through them with less fear.
Sponsor Mentions
The episode includes ad reads for:
- Monday.com
- Progressive
- Monarch Money
These are unrelated to the parenting discussion.