Overview of Unruffled with Janet Lansbury
In this episode, Janet Lansbury answers two parent questions—one about a difficult preschool drop-off and another about a 21-month-old’s hair-pulling behavior—and makes the same core point in both cases: the most helpful, counterintuitive response is often to name and validate the hard feelings out loud rather than trying to fix, distract, or minimize them. Her advice centers on helping children feel seen in their distress, especially during transitions, while still holding clear boundaries.
Main Takeaway: Bring the Hard Stuff Into the Open
Janet argues that children often escalate when adults avoid acknowledging the emotions underneath a behavior. Instead of pushing back with “You’re fine” or trying one more hug, she recommends:
- Naming the child’s likely feelings
- Acknowledging the difficulty of the situation
- Accepting the child’s point of view without necessarily agreeing with it
- Holding the boundary calmly and confidently
Her big point: this is not a quick fix, but it is the most relationship-building, regulation-supporting path over time.
Case 1: Rough Drop-Offs at School
The situation
A parent describes her 4-year-old daughter’s increasingly dramatic morning drop-offs at the school where the mother teaches. The child is happy once settled, but the separation is becoming intense:
- crying, screaming, biting, and banging on the doors
- repeated requests for more hugs and kisses
- upset over the cafeteria being noisy and cold
- heightened difficulty because mom is physically nearby but not available
Janet’s advice
Janet says the child’s behavior makes sense given the unusual dynamic: her mother is present at school, but not accessible. She recommends the parent openly name how hard that is for the child:
- “It’s so hard that I’m right here but you can’t be with me.”
- “You don’t like how noisy/cold this is.”
- “You have a hard time letting me go in the morning.”
She emphasizes that children often feel relief when a parent acknowledges the truth instead of trying to smooth it over.
What to do instead of over-reassuring
Rather than endlessly adding hugs, kisses, or extra delays, Janet suggests:
- Set a clear, repeatable goodbye routine
- Acknowledge the child’s upset
- Hold the boundary: “I know this is hard, and now I need to go”
- Offer connection at pickup: “I can’t wait to see you later and hear all about it”
Possible additions
Janet also suggests involving the older sister, if appropriate, as part of the transition plan—perhaps helping take the younger child to class—if that would feel empowering rather than burdensome.
Case 2: Hair Pulling in a 21-Month-Old
The situation
A parent reports new hair-pulling behavior that seems tied to:
- frustration
- tiredness
- boredom
- life transitions and general stress
The parent has tried verbal labeling (“I’m frustrated”) and redirection with toys, teething rings, and a pacifier.
Janet’s advice
Her response is the same underlying principle: talk about the changes and emotional strain outside the moment.
She recommends saying things like:
- “It must be hard when things change.”
- “I wonder if you miss ___.”
- “There’s been a lot going on lately.”
This isn’t meant to force an answer from a toddler. It’s meant to help the child feel less alone and more understood.
Why it helps
Janet explains that even very young children may not know exactly what they’re feeling, but they can still benefit from hearing a parent name the emotional truth. That acknowledgment can:
- reduce the sense of isolation
- lower stress
- make the behavior feel less mysterious
- open the door to calmer coping
Practical response
For a child this young, Janet suggests gentle participation in problem-solving when possible:
- offer alternative soothing tools
- note whether the behavior happens when tired, bored, or frustrated
- keep speaking about the transition over the next several weeks
- talk about future changes before they happen
Core Parenting Message
Janet’s through-line in both situations is that children often need us to do the thing that feels most uncomfortable to adults: go directly to the emotional truth.
Instead of:
- minimizing
- distracting
- negotiating endlessly
- trying to “fix” the feeling
Try:
- acknowledging the hard feeling
- naming the reality of the transition
- staying calm and firm
- making room for the child’s experience
She frames this as a way to build trust, ease behavior over time, and create a stronger parent-child relationship.
Closing Resources Mentioned
Janet also briefly mentions:
- her upcoming book, Baby Person
- her No Bad Kids Master Course for respectful discipline and boundary-setting
These are presented as tools for parents who want more support in handling big feelings while staying confident and consistent.