Overview of The Answer to Hitting
In this episode of Unruffled, Janet Lansbury responds to a parent worried about her nearly 2.5-year-old daughter who frequently talks about hitting, sometimes uses violent language, and occasionally acts on it. Janet’s central message is that this behavior is usually not a sign of a child being “bad” or defiant—it’s a sign of overwhelm, dysregulation, and an attempt to communicate distress. In this case, the child’s upcoming role as a big sister, plus the emotional upheaval of a new baby, are likely major factors.
Main Takeaways
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Hitting and violent talk are often signals, not character flaws.
- Janet frames these behaviors as the child saying, in effect, “Help me. I’m not okay.”
- The behavior reflects inner discomfort, fear, or dysregulation rather than a simple choice to be naughty.
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Toddlers can know something is wrong but still not be able to stop themselves.
- Telling a child “that’s not nice” usually doesn’t land, because most young children already know it’s not okay.
- Knowing the rule and being able to regulate the impulse are very different things.
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The child’s “jokey” tone is often a sign of discomfort, not amusement.
- Janet explains that this kind of joking is often a way of signaling anxiety, not truly laughing at violence.
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A major family transition can trigger these behaviors.
- The impending arrival of a baby is presented as a huge, often frightening change for a toddler.
- Even a confident, socially advanced child can feel deeply destabilized by this shift.
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The fact that the child talks about hitting more than she actually hits is meaningful.
- Janet sees this as a positive sign: the child is trying to express the feeling verbally instead of acting it out.
How Janet Suggests Parents Respond
1. Stay calm and show understanding
Instead of correcting the behavior first, acknowledge the child’s feelings:
- “Wow, you’re saying you want to hit and even draw blood. That sounds really uncomfortable.”
- “You must be feeling really rough.”
- “You don’t want people near you right now.”
2. Set the limit without shame
Janet is clear that parents should still stop the behavior:
- “We’re not going to let you do that.”
- Remove the child from the situation if needed, but do it as a protective, calm boundary—not a punishment lecture.
3. Be curious, not accusatory
She encourages responses that communicate openness:
- “What’s going on?”
- “What’s worrying you?”
- “I’m here to help.”
These questions are not meant to demand an answer; they simply show the child that the parent is available and not judging.
4. Talk about the big changes outside the heat of the moment
Janet recommends having a calm conversation about the new baby and the mixed feelings that come with it:
- It’s normal to feel upset, jealous, or unsure.
- A child can love the baby and still feel angry or threatened by the change.
- Parents can invite honesty about scary or uncomfortable feelings.
Why This Approach Matters
- Children feel safer when their feelings are seen and accepted.
- Judgment tends to shut down communication.
- When children can tell parents about scary thoughts or impulses, they’re less likely to act on them.
- This approach strengthens the parent-child relationship over time.
Practical Parent Takeaways
- Don’t assume hitting talk means a child is “going in the wrong direction.”
- Look for the underlying cause: tiredness, stress, transition, jealousy, overstimulation, or fear.
- Respond with:
- calm limits,
- emotional acknowledgement,
- curiosity,
- and reassurance that the parent can handle the child’s hard feelings.
- Treat disclosure as progress: talking about hitting is often better than hitting.
Resources Mentioned
- Janet Lansbury’s No Bad Kids course
- Janet’s book, No Bad Kids
The episode’s core message is simple: when a young child talks about hitting, they are often asking for help with feelings they can’t yet manage. Seeing the behavior this way allows parents to respond with both boundaries and empathy—exactly what helps children become calmer and more secure.