Overview of Setting Boundaries Without Power Struggles (Unruffled — Janet Lansbury)
Janet Lansbury responds to a parent's question about a five‑year‑old who’s been provoking her younger sister and escalated into a power struggle when the parent tried to take a rope with a hook away. Janet explains why the child is acting out (big family transition — another baby arriving), why some behaviors are not best handled with punitive “limits,” and how to set effective physical and behavioral boundaries without turning it into a fight.
Key themes and takeaways
- Behavior = communication: Unkind or provocative behavior often signals underlying fear, insecurity, or anxiety (here, around a new sibling and family changes).
- Pick the right response for the right behavior: Some actions require an immediate, nonnegotiable physical intervention (safety risks); other behaviors (unkind words, teasing) are better handled with empathy and connection rather than forceful limits.
- Set limits early and decisively: Intervene before a child gets a solid grip on a risky object or before dysregulation escalates into a power struggle.
- Be firm, not angry: Remove dangerous items calmly but quickly to prevent escalation. Avoid negotiating when a child is dysregulated — that often fuels the struggle and your own frustration.
- Empathize and name feelings: When children act unkindly, a nonjudgmental observation and acknowledgment of their internal state (e.g., “I can tell you’re feeling upset about the baby”) helps them feel seen and reduces the need to act out.
Why this behavior is happening
- Transition stress: The impending arrival of a new sibling can reawaken old feelings (even for older children) — fear of losing attention, being overwhelmed by another adjustment, or resurfacing memories from the first transition.
- Seeking attention/communicating pain: Acting out toward a sibling can be an unconscious attempt to signal distress to caregivers.
- Sensitivity and limited regulation: Young children lack the emotional tools and perspective to manage big feelings; their reactions can look disproportionate.
Practical guidance: How to set limits without power struggles
For immediate physical/safety concerns
- Act early: Approach as soon as you see the risky behavior beginning.
- Take action decisively: Reach in, open their hand, and remove the object firmly but calmly — don’t ask for cooperation when the child is dysregulated.
- Avoid anger: Be confident and steady; anger can intensify the child’s dysregulation.
- Protect, don’t punish: The goal is immediate safety and to prevent escalation, not to “win.”
Suggested script for removal: brief and neutral, e.g., “You can’t swing that — it’s not safe,” then calmly take the item.
For unkind behavior toward siblings
- Don’t over-discipline: A harsh limit often won’t fix the underlying upset and can make the child feel more isolated.
- Use empathic naming: “I can see you’re not feeling very kind right now. That must be hard.”
- Open a conversation (age-appropriate): Let older preschoolers know you recognize the upcoming change and invite them to share feelings.
- Keep tone nonjudgmental: Avoid shaming language; aim for connection first, correction second if needed.
Suggested language: “There goes that behavior again — you seem upset. I’m here with you.”
Do / Don’t checklist
- Do: Intervene immediately with safety risks.
- Do: Stay calm, decisive, and physically in control of the situation.
- Do: Name feelings and empathize for non-safety misbehavior.
- Don’t: Ask a highly dysregulated child to cooperate (e.g., “Please give that to me”) — that risks a power struggle.
- Don’t: Respond in anger or shame; that escalates distress.
- Don’t: Assume older siblings will be fine with another baby — transitions can be harder the second time.
Short scripts and examples
- Safety removal (rope with hook): Walk up, say quietly, “I can’t let you swing that — it’s not safe,” and take it out of their hand calmly.
- Empathizing with sibling meanness: “You seem out of sorts and aren’t being kind to your sister. I wonder if you’re worried about the new baby?”
- Reassurance after an outburst: “You’re really upset. I love you and I’m here. We’ll talk about this when you’re ready.”
Recommended resources
- Janet references her No Bad Kids Master Course (nobadkidscourse.com) for a deeper dive on mindset and skills for handling these situations consistently.
Final note
The most effective parenting response combines early, decisive physical intervention for safety with empathy and connection for behaviors driven by emotional pain. Acting from the understanding that misbehavior signals unmet needs (especially during family transitions) prevents power struggles and supports healthier long‑term regulation.