Overview of Unruffled — "The Best Response to Our Children's Turbulent Emotions"
Janet Lansbury (host of Unruffled) discusses how parents can best respond to their children’s strong emotions. Using listener letters, she argues the central principle is trust — trusting children to feel, process, and finish their emotions rather than rushing to fix, silence, or prematurely “calm” them. The episode covers common parent missteps (insisting on hugs, coaching calming techniques, rescuing tantrums) and gives practical guidance for holding firm boundaries while staying emotionally available.
Key takeaways
- Trust the feelings: Let emotions have a beginning, middle, and end. Children learn resiliency by experiencing feelings fully, with an adult who accepts them.
- Availability, not urgency: Be present and receptive, but don’t feel compelled to immediately fix, soothe, or change the feeling for your own comfort.
- Show, don’t only tell: Modeling acceptance (through demeanor and behavior) teaches more effectively than repeatedly telling a child “it’s okay.”
- Set and hold boundaries: Accept feelings but limit harmful behaviors (hitting, throwing) with calm, consistent boundaries.
- Calm-down techniques have limits: For very young children, prompting calming strategies (e.g., “take deep breaths”) can teach avoidance rather than emotional processing. Modeling is more useful than instructing.
Common parent scenarios (and Janet’s responses)
1) Child refuses hugs after a meltdown
- What happens: A toddler cries hard, then says “no” when offered comfort.
- Janet’s point: This is usually not rejection — toddlers can’t instantly switch emotional modes. Don’t push hugs; be available and wait for the child to initiate. Avoid trying to force labeling or reasoning in the moment.
2) Parents asking children to “calm down” / prompt deep breaths
- What happens: Parents ask children mid-tantrum to breathe deeply; this can create short-term calm but feelings resurface.
- Janet’s point: Young children need to feel emotions through, not be coached out of them. Parents should model calm breathing for themselves rather than direct it at the child; notice (“I see you’re taking deep breaths”) rather than instruct.
3) Child holding back tears in public (modeling parent behavior)
- What happens: Child suppresses crying around others; parent recognizes they may model this.
- Janet’s point: Trust the child’s process. If you notice you sometimes hold back your own tears, explore that privately, but don’t project worry to the child. Keep modeling acceptance.
4) Sibling jealousy / “I don’t love you like I love Dad”
- What happens: A child expresses hurtful-sounding things after a new sibling arrives.
- Janet’s point: Statements like “I don’t love you” are feelings, not facts. Don’t react defensively. Validate and be curious (“You feel like I don’t like you—what makes you feel that way?”). Naming the feeling and owning parental limits calmly helps repair and connect.
5) Tantrums that disrupt family routine
- What happens: One child’s long, intense tantrum consumes family attention and interrupts siblings.
- Janet’s point: Normalize the tantrum as a healthy process and avoid making it everyone’s emergency. Offer empathy, reinforce boundaries for unsafe behavior, and continue attending to other children. Say something like, “You can yell — I see you’re really mad — I’m going to help your brother now and I’ll be right here.”
Practical scripts and phrases
What to say (short, validating, non-fixing)
- “Wow—you’re really angry/sad/frustrated. That’s hard.”
- “You feel like I don’t like you. That must feel awful. Tell me more.”
- “I can see you need to yell. I’m here, and I’ll take care of the other kids right now.”
- “It’s okay to cry. I’m nearby if you want me.”
What to avoid
- “Calm down,” “Stop crying,” or repeatedly asking “Do you want a hug?” (can feel pressure or convey parent discomfort)
- Forcing labeling or reasoning in the heat of the moment (“Tell me why you’re crying”)
Actionable steps for parents
- Shift mindset: Practice “trust” as an ongoing attitude — remind yourself not to fix every feeling.
- Model, don’t command: Use your own breathing and demeanor to teach regulation; notice the child’s efforts instead of instructing.
- Offer availability: Wait for the child to request physical comfort; if they don’t, remain near and emotionally open.
- Hold boundaries: Calmly limit unsafe behavior, but don’t treat emotional expression as misbehavior.
- Repair with curiosity: When a child says something painful (e.g., “You don’t like me”), respond with curiosity and validation before reassurance.
- Prioritize family needs: Acknowledge strong outbursts while also managing responsibilities to siblings — you can validate and still continue necessary tasks.
Why this matters
Allowing children to fully experience and witness emotions helps build resilience, self-confidence, and emotional agility. Short-circuiting feelings (even with good intentions) can prolong emotional reactivity and teach children to suppress rather than process. Trust combined with boundaries creates safety and models healthy emotional life.
Final note
Trusting children’s emotional processes is not passive permissiveness — it’s an active stance: empathize, set limits for safety, remain available, and resist the urge to immediately solve or silence their feelings. Over time this teaches children that feelings pass and are tolerable, which reduces intensity and long-term behavioral struggles.