Overview of Unruffled — Separation Anxiety, Meltdowns... The Solution Is Often in Our Face
Host Janet Lansbury examines how parents’ own feelings feed into their children’s emotional states — especially separation anxiety and meltdowns. Using two listener letters as case studies, she explains why awareness and parental self-regulation are the first and most powerful interventions, and she offers concrete steps parents can take to help children move through normal developmental anxieties without reinforcing them.
Key takeaways
- Children “catch” parents’ feelings, and parents likewise pick up on children’s emotions; this mutual influence can keep a child stuck in a distress cycle.
- Awareness is the first step: noticing when your own fear, guilt, or shame is amplifying your child’s distress. This is not blame — it’s leverage.
- Children are separate people with their own temperaments and developmental timelines; believing in their capacity to feel and recover is essential.
- Parental healing/support (therapy, counseling, self-care) is often necessary because unresolved adult anxieties can perpetuate a child’s difficulties.
- Don’t try to prevent every meltdown — allow feelings to be expressed safely. Holding a calm, steady presence (being an “anchor”) helps children process emotions.
- Notice and name what the child is doing right (small steps, participation, bravery) instead of only focusing on what’s going wrong.
Practical steps and advice
- Be aware: pause and ask, “How might I be contributing to this?” This shifts from blaming yourself to acting responsibly.
- Remind yourself your child is a different person: temperament and development vary; acceptance helps them flourish.
- Get help for yourself: therapy, counseling, online programs, retreats, or supportive groups. Caring for your own wounds is great parenting.
- Believe in the process: allow children to feel the “whole gamut” of emotions; discomfort is part of growth (Susan David quote used: “discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life”).
- Observe and reflect, don’t rescue: when a meltdown approaches, don’t frantically try to prevent it — provide a calm presence, set boundaries as needed, and let feelings run their course.
- Notice wins: explicitly recognize steps the child is taking (e.g., entering class, trying an activity) to build parental confidence and the child’s self-efficacy.
Case studies (listener examples)
- Case 1: Mother of a sensitive 4½‑year‑old whose separation anxiety increased after she left for the hospital when the child was 3. Janet’s guidance: recognize the mother’s own childhood separation trauma is being triggered, seek therapy (she’s already in counseling), and provide a calm, accepting presence so the child can express and move through the fear.
- Case 2: Parent of three (7½, 5, almost 3) facing cumulative stress and evening meltdowns. Janet’s guidance: accept that transitions and accumulated emotions make meltdowns likely; stop trying to “fix” or prevent them; be an anchored observer, regulate your own responses, and look for strengths and closeness in the family.
Notable quotes and phrases
- “Our children catch our feelings — we catch theirs too.”
- “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” — Susan David (quoted)
- “Observe the storm instead of riding the wave.” / “Be the anchor.”
- “It’s not about blaming myself. It’s about knowing I have power here to try to make this better.”
Recommended resources mentioned
- Previous episode: “Can We Be Sad or Angry and Still Be Unruffled” — recommended for overlap with this topic.
- Janet’s No Bad Kids Master Course — for deeper work on boundaries, emotions, and development.
- Therapy or counseling — encouraged for parents whose own history is triggering current parenting challenges.
- RIE (Janet refers to parent–infant classes/observation practice) — helpful for noticing children’s developmental strides.
Action items for parents (quick checklist)
- Pause and notice your bodily/emotional reaction when your child is upset.
- Label your observation (“I’m noticing I feel scared/worried right now”) to reduce automatic reactivity.
- Remind yourself: this is developmentally normal and your child is separate from your history.
- Hold a calm presence, set clear limits when necessary, and allow expression of feeling.
- Seek support for your own healing if memories or strong reactions keep repeating.
- Celebrate small wins: point out what your child did well or bravely in the situation.
Final notes
Janet emphasizes compassion for parents (don’t self‑shame) while urging responsibility: adults must regulate first so children can process feelings and develop resilience. The episode balances practical parenting moves (calm leadership, boundary-setting, noticing progress) with the deeper work many parents may need to do on their own unresolved anxiety.