Summary of Raising Can-Do Kids

Overview of Raising Can-Do Kids (JLML Press / Janet Lansbury — Unruffled episode)

Janet Lansbury reflects on a viral video of a 19-month-old patiently mastering two small market baskets and uses it to illustrate how adults can support children’s agency, problem-solving, motor skills and emotional resilience. The episode explains why adults often unintentionally undermine this healthy learning process and offers a clear, practical four-step approach to respond when a child asks for help or becomes frustrated.

Key themes and takeaways

• Children naturally approach tasks as learning processes rather than outcomes. Their attitude toward struggling and experimenting is a model for adults.
• Adults often project goal-oriented anxiety onto children (wanting the task finished), which can create unnecessary pressure and frustration.
• The goal of adult intervention should be to maximize the child’s ownership of the process while providing safety and support.
• Waiting — a deliberate pause instead of immediate interference — is a powerful and underused tool.
• There is a graded way to help so the child can still feel competent: emotional support → verbal guidance → minimal physical assistance → doing it for them (only when truly necessary).

The four-step sequence to support a child who asks for help

1. Emotional support and safety

   • Immediate response: “Yes, I’m here,” move calmly, and show attentive presence.
   • Reflect and acknowledge: “That looks hard. You’re working so hard on that.”
   • Purpose: provide reassurance that you’re present and trusting their process.

2. Verbal direction or demonstration

   • Offer small, concrete cues (fewer words, simple gestures): “Maybe hold that one while you bring the other up,” or point to a foothold.
   • Don’t take over; keep the instruction minimal and tuned to the child’s momentary state.

3. Assist in the smallest possible way

   • Make the minimal physical change or adjustment that lets the child continue (e.g., loosen a jar lid slightly, steady a foot on a bar).
   • Use “doing with” rather than “doing for”: guide their hand, move their foot into place.

4. Do it for them (when necessary)

   • Reserve this for true needs (safety or caregiving tasks such as feeding/dressing) or when the child is exhausted and no longer wants to continue.
   • If you must do it, try to do it in a way that still involves them (hand-over-hand) so learning is preserved.

Practical examples from the episode

• Market baskets: child works to hold two small baskets; parent waits, shows support, and celebrates quietly when success happens.
• Climbing down a structure: wait, verbally point to a step, then assist the foot minimally, and only carry out the full action if safety or dysregulation requires it.
• Jar lids, buttons, scissors, spoon use: loosen lids slightly, guide fingers to buttons, hand-over-hand cutting or dressing when needed.

Scripts and micro-phrases you can use

• “Yes, I’m here. What are you trying to do?”
• “That looks hard — you’re working hard on it.”
• “Maybe try moving this one up while holding the other.”
• “I’ll help your foot reach the step—see that bar?”
• “I can do it for you if you’d like—but do you want to try first?”

How to dial it back if you’ve been doing too much

• Acknowledge the pattern: “I know I usually do that for you; this time I’ll let you try.”
• Intentionally “stay two steps behind” so the child has space to experiment and own the task.
• Be prepared to wait through whining or minor frustration — it’s part of the learning process.
• Let quitting happen sometimes; children often return to try again later.

Notable quotes and insights

• “Wait.” (A single-word strategy from Harry Grebler — the most impactful intervention.)
• “Learning to be patient from my 19-month-old.” — Dita Howard (caption on the viral video)
• “Our job is to allow them to have all the processes in life…we don’t need to fix their feelings.” — Janet Lansbury

Recommended actions for caregivers (quick checklist)

• When a child asks “help”: pause and approach calmly.
• First give presence and empathetic acknowledgment.
• Only add verbal or demonstrative guidance if the child is stuck or escalating.
• Use the lightest physical assistance possible when needed.
• Reserve doing it fully for safety/caregiving or true inability.
• Practice waiting and noticing your own urge to fix things immediately.

Additional notes / resources mentioned

• Janet Lansbury will have a book titled Baby Person releasing August–September (pre-orders forthcoming).
• The episode references a viral video by Dita Howard of a 19-month-old learning to coordinate market baskets (Janet will link/repost it on her Instagram and in episode show notes).

This summary captures the practical framework and mindset shifts Janet presents: be present, wait, support, and only step in as minimally needed so children build confidence and competence through their own efforts.