Summary of Lost in Transition - How Changes Affect Our Kids' Behavior

Overview of Lost in Transition - How Changes Affect Our Kids' Behavior

Host Janet Lansbury (Unruffled) explores how transitions — moves, school changes, new siblings, crib-to-bed switches, and social losses — can overwhelm young children and show up as troubling behavior. Using two listener questions, she explains why kids in the “middle” of transitions often can’t manage peer conflict or bedtime changes on their own, and she lays out a relational, practical approach: validate the child’s experience, set clear loving boundaries, and provide active parental support where children are clearly out of their depth.

Key takeaways

• Transitions amplify emotional needs: children experience moves, school changes, and new siblings as immediate, disorienting events and may act out as a result.
• Kids are “in the middle” of transitions; parents can see the wider context and should tune into the child’s perspective before assuming the child can self-manage.
• Balance is needed between letting children learn social skills and stepping in when interactions become harmful or the child cannot set boundaries.
• Empathy and attitude matter: welcoming and validating a child’s feelings (even large emotions) makes transitions more manageable.
• Practical, loving limits help all children involved — including a peer who is acting out because they lack boundaries.

Case studies and Janet’s guidance

1) Five-year-old with a friend who’s aggressive toward a younger sibling

• Situation: Friend hitting, excluding, instigating, even saying “we should kill your brother.” The five-year-old is conflicted and mimicking aggressive behaviors.
• Analysis: The five-year-old likely can’t set or enforce boundaries with this friend, especially amid recent social losses (move from LA to Madrid, school closure, homeschooling).
• Recommended approach:
  • Set boundaries around the friendship (pause or limit contact) unless adult supervision and clear behavioral expectations are present.
  • Intervene actively at home: insist on kind behavior, enforce rules, and follow through (e.g., “You can come back when you can be kind”).
  • Consider talking with the friend’s parent to express concerns and encourage support for that child, who may be seeking boundaries.
  • Remember: stepping in protects both children and models healthy limits.

2) Twins climbing out of cribs; bedtime breakdowns amid move and a new baby

• Situation: Twins transitioned to open beds and now have prolonged bedtime struggles. One twin clings and cries intensely; when the parent leaves after such crying the kids often sleep better. Added stresses: recent move and newborn.
• Analysis: Crib-to-bed is a loss of the cozy, contained nest; combined with other family transitions, bedtime becomes a natural outlet for stored feelings.
• Recommended approach:
  • Recreate nesting/cozy elements where possible (lower rails, padded area, cozy bedding) to preserve safety and comfort.
  • Provide more daytime opportunities to vent feelings about changes; the more kids process during the day, the easier nights become.
  • Validate emotions at bedtime and set clear, compassionate boundaries: let them express big feelings while keeping consistent expectations (e.g., “You can cry and I’ll check on you, but I’m going to leave the room now”).
  • Adjust parental expectations: understand that this is a transition phase requiring patience and attunement.

Practical strategies (quick checklist)

• Safety first: step in immediately when physical harm or aggression occurs.
• Set loving but firm boundaries with clear expectations and consistent follow-through.
• Supervise and coach social interactions when children can’t self-regulate.
• Recreate familiar, cozy cues during environmental changes (beds, routines, rituals).
• Offer daily chances to vent and process feelings (play, storytelling, one-on-one time).
• Validate emotions explicitly: name what the child might be feeling and normalize it.
• Communicate with other parents when a peer’s behavior is consistently harmful.
• Reframe big nighttime meltdowns as part of adjustment, not willful misbehavior.

Notable quotes

• “To them, they're just in the middle of it.”
• “This boy is crying out for boundaries.”
• “We are the ones setting the tone.”
• “Children have a right to have these feelings.”

Resources and calls to action

• Janet references her No Bad Kids Master Course: nobadkidscourse.com for deeper learning.
• The Unruffled podcast and Janet Lansbury’s website contain many related episodes and free resources on transitions, boundaries, and respectful parenting.

Sponsor notes (brief)

• The episode included ads for Midi Health, Wayfair, Caraway, Hungry Root, and Progressive.

Action list for a parent reading this now

1. Assess whether the child is unsafe or clearly overwhelmed — intervene if so.
2. Recreate comfort cues (bed safety/coziness) and preserve routines.
3. Set and communicate simple, consistent limits around play and visits.
4. Build in daily venting/connection time.
5. Validate big emotions and keep a calm, attuned tone while following through.

This summary captures Janet Lansbury’s core message: transitions are often at the root of tricky behavior, and children need both empathy and clear limits from attuned adults to move through them successfully.