Overview of "Don't Play Along With Annoying Behavior"
This episode of Unruffled (hosted by Janet Lansbury) answers a parent's long note about a five‑and‑a‑half‑year‑old who repeatedly tests boundaries with dramatic, sometimes silly behaviors (crab‑walking races, seatbelt fits, taking pants off over shoes). Janet reframes the problem as the parent's heavy sense of responsibility and offers practical, emotionally wise guidance on setting boundaries, easing the parental burden, and responding in ways that stop the cycle without needing to “play along.”
Context — the parent's situation and questions
- Child: ~5½ years old, more dramatic behavior over the past year (increased preschool, a new baby sister).
- Examples: kicking/shaking over a seatbelt, turning stairs into a race then getting angry when she "loses," taking pants off with shoes on, screaming and refusing solutions.
- Parent's struggle: wants to be playful and energetic but feels exhausted, guilty about not always playing along, and unsure how much to coach versus how much to set boundaries.
- Questions asked: How to set good boundaries? How much self‑control and reasoning to expect from a 5½‑year‑old? Will the child keep “testing” her parent?
Janet’s core diagnosis
- The main issue is the parent's heavy emotional load: she’s taken on responsibility for making everything “right” (teaching, fixing, ensuring empathy), which makes ordinary child behavior feel amplified and serious.
- Many toddler/preschool antics are not bids to manipulate but experiments to see how the adult perceives and reacts — children are exploring whether their whims are “big deals.”
- Trying to be playfully performative when you don’t feel playful backfires; children sense incongruence.
- What the child needs is a calm, steady adult who sees the behavior for what it is — a momentary, sometimes obnoxious, childish outburst — and doesn’t invest extra seriousness or lecture energy into it.
Practical advice and strategies (actionable)
- Don’t take the bait
- Avoid heavy verbal lectures (“I won’t allow you to scream…”) or trying to enforce internal states you can’t control (you can’t prevent a child from screaming by telling them you won’t let them).
- Instead, be neutral, minimal, and unruffled in your response.
- Help with the behavior, not the emotion
- Do the practical thing calmly for them (snap the seatbelt, help remove pants) without making it an emotional lesson.
- Example: rather than debate a seatbelt fit, quietly help: “Okay, here we go. Click.” Move on.
- Move on without policing
- You don’t need to change the child’s subject for them; simply continue with your routine and let them follow or settle in their own time.
- Be yourself — don’t fake playfulness
- If you’re able to be light and playful, do so genuinely. If not, you can be upbeat in words or neutral in body and tone and still be effective.
- A simple shrug and a quick comment (“Too bad, the crab lost — let’s have breakfast”) or nothing at all is fine.
- Set boundary around your energy
- Decide what behavior you will invest time and talk into and what you won’t. That’s a boundary and a form of self‑care.
- Prioritize the meaningful moments (serious conversations, safety issues) over the every‑day theatrics.
- Reduce talking; show more
- Less explanation and more demonstration: handle practical things, model calm, and don’t spend energy making it “a lesson.”
- Trust that capabilities exist
- The child already knows many self‑management skills; situational regressions happen (new sibling, more school).
- The testing will ease when the parent lightens their heavy responses.
Notable short scripts Janet suggests (paraphrased):
- Neutral action for seatbelt: “Whoa — that’s not working for you. Click.” (just do it)
- For antics like a stair race: shrug, a quick light comment if you feel it, or no comment — “Come on, let’s go eat” and move.
Quote to remember:
- “Don’t take the bait.” — meaning: don’t invest heavy energy in every childish test or playful drama.
What to expect developmentally
- Testing and dramatic reactions are normal at this age, especially with life changes (more preschool days, a new sibling).
- These behaviors are exploratory — children are checking how adults perceive them, not trying to ruin the relationship.
- With consistent calm boundaries and less heavy emotional engagement from the parent, the testing diminishes and the child’s regular capacity for self‑control and caring behavior returns.
How this relates to setting boundaries
- Boundary = a personal limit about how much of your time, energy, and emotional seriousness you will give to a behavior.
- Setting boundaries doesn’t require punitive language or control over feelings. It often looks like quietly taking care of the practical aspect and not adding moralizing commentary.
- Self‑care is part of boundary work: the less burdened you feel, the more unruffled and available you can be for meaningful connection.
Quick checklist for next interactions
- Pause before reacting — check your own heaviness.
- If it’s a safety/needed behavior: do it calmly without a lecture.
- If it’s playful or annoying drama: shrug, move on, or offer a brief genuine playful remark only if you mean it.
- Avoid long explanations, ultimatums, or attempts to “stop” feelings.
- Reinforce your basic expectation of safety and respect, but save energy for the times it really matters.
Resources Janet recommends
- Book: No Bad Kids (Janet Lansbury) — practical philosophy and examples for responsive parenting.
- Course: No Bad Kids Master Course at nobadkidscourse.com for deeper learning.
- Unruffled podcast back catalog and Janet’s website for articles and episode guidance.
Bottom line: lighten the emotional load you carry about every silly, theatrical moment. Help with the practical bits, be calmly neutral rather than heavy or performatively playful, and trust your child’s capacity and your relationship — things will improve when you stop “taking the bait.”