Overview of Disturbing Things Kids Bring Home From School
Host Janet Lansbury (Unruffled) responds to a parent's note about a 5-year-old who began using language at school that her family avoids. Lansbury reframes this common parental alarm as a normal, healthy stage of development: children imitate, explore power dynamics, and bring surprising things home to "bounce off" trusted adults. The episode explains why this happens, why a devastated reaction can be unhelpful, and gives practical, conversational strategies parents can use to maintain connection and help the child learn.
Main takeaways
- Children mimicking problematic words or behaviors they hear at school is typical and developmentally normal — not a sign of moral failure or permanent change.
- The child's bringing new language/behavior to a parent is a positive signal: they trust you and are testing social meaning and limits.
- Parental devastation or strong punishment gives extra "power" to the behavior and makes it harder to help the child learn from the experience.
- A calm, curious, nonjudgmental stance — what Lansbury calls being a "fearless explorer" or a "backboard to bounce things off" — supports the child’s social learning and preserves the relationship.
- Don’t demonize other kids or over-police the child at home; instead ask open questions, explore feelings and context, and wait to address it when the child brings it up again.
Why kids do this
- Imitation and experimentation: kids copy peers and adults to learn social language and behaviors.
- Testing power and boundaries: novel words or behaviors often get attention/power; children explore how that feels and what control it gives them.
- Information-seeking: bringing something home is a way to run it by the trusted adult — to see how the family responds and what it means.
- Normal exposure: as children enter wider social worlds, they'll confront behaviors and language not modeled at home; that’s part of growing up.
Practical parental approach (scripts & techniques)
- Manage your feelings first: acknowledge your upset privately, then aim to respond from a steadier, curious place.
- Initial neutral reaction suggestions:
- “Wow, that’s different — you heard that at school?”
- “That doesn’t feel good when you talk to me like that. How did you feel when they said it?”
- Open, nonleading questions to explore:
- “Who says that to you? When do they say it — playing or when they’re mad?”
- “What do you think that word/behavior does for your friends?”
- “How did the other kids react when you said that?”
- If the child insists they only use it at school:
- “Tell me more — what does it feel like to say that there? I’m curious about what it’s doing for you.”
- Avoid repeated interrogation (e.g., “Are you still saying it?”) — that reinforces the behavior’s power.
- If the behavior resurfaces, stay consistent with curiosity rather than shame or dramatized punishment.
Examples and anecdotes from the episode
- A parent of a 5-year-old feeling “devastated” after hearing the child use words they avoid at home.
- Soccer anecdote: a child on another team angrily threw a ball — a small encounter that taught the child that some kids respond with unkindness.
- Preschool anecdote: a child repeatedly said “chicken butt”; the more upset the caregiver was, the more the child persisted — demonstrating how attention can fuel the behavior.
- Janet’s father used a mild expletive (“nuts”) consistently so daughters wouldn’t pick up harsher language at home — showing intentional language modeling.
Why this stance works
- Keeps the parent-child relationship safe and nonjudgmental, so the child continues to share uncomfortable or confusing experiences.
- Helps the child build social understanding, empathy, and the ability to negotiate peer dynamics.
- Reduces the unintended reinforcement (power/attention) that makes the language/behavior stick.
Action checklist for parents
- Pause and name your own feelings privately; validate they’re normal.
- Resist dramatizing or demonizing the other children or the child’s behavior.
- Practice neutral curiosity: ask open-ended questions to learn context and feelings.
- Let some incidents fade; don’t repeatedly spotlight them and give them added power.
- If concerned about frequency or escalation, address behavior with calm limits and guidance — but only after preserving connection and trust.
- Consider further resources (e.g., Janet Lansbury’s No Bad Kids Master Course) for deeper support.
Notable phrases from the episode
- “Be that backboard that they can bounce things off of.”
- “Fearless explorers” — how parents can engage with children’s social learning.
- “Parenting is a process of letting go of control over our child.”
For parents worried about exposure to undesirable language or behaviors, Lansbury’s core recommendation is to shift from devastation to curiosity so you can support your child’s learning without giving the behavior extra power or damaging your relationship.