Potty Learning: How and Why to Let Children Lead the Way

Summary of Potty Learning: How and Why to Let Children Lead the Way

by JLML Press

26m•May 19, 2026
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Overview of Potty Learning: How and Why to Let Children Lead the Way

In this episode of Unruffled, Janet Lansbury explains her respectful, child-led approach to potty learning. Her core message is that toilet learning works best when children are allowed to lead the process at their own pace, with parents providing calm support, normalizing bodily functions, and avoiding pressure, shame, or power struggles. She argues that this approach protects autonomy, reduces resistance, and is ultimately easier for families.

Why Janet Advocates a Child-Led Approach

Janet gives three main reasons she prefers letting children lead potty learning:

  • Children are capable of doing it themselves
    She sees potty learning as another developmental milestone children can own, just like grasping, walking, or talking. Allowing them to initiate builds confidence and self-trust.

  • It avoids toddler resistance
    Toddlers naturally push back against perceived adult agendas. If potty training becomes something the parent is trying to make happen, children may resist simply to assert independence.

  • It’s easier for parents in the long run
    While letting go can be emotionally hard, it avoids the exhausting push-and-pull of trying to control the process. Janet frames this as an invitation to trust rather than manage.

How to Support Potty Learning Without Pressure

Janet emphasizes that child-led does not mean hands-off. Parents still shape the environment and tone around potty learning.

Normalize Bodily Functions Early

  • Use calm, matter-of-fact language during diaper changes.
  • Use correct names for body parts.
  • Avoid describing urine or feces as gross, shameful, or dirty.
  • Help children feel safe and unselfconscious about their bodies.

Watch for Readiness, But Don’t Force It

She notes three forms of readiness:

  • Physical: the child can hold urine or stool long enough to reach the potty.
  • Cognitive: they understand what the potty is for.
  • Emotional: they are not in a resistant or stressed state.

She also stresses that potty learning is not linear. A child may be interested, then regress during a stressful period like a move or a new sibling.

Make the Potty Available

  • Place a small potty in the bathroom around the time a child is walking, often around 18 months or earlier.
  • Don’t turn it into a toy or make it a big event.
  • Let it simply be available for experimentation.

Offer, Don’t Push

Janet suggests open-ended, low-pressure language such as:

  • “The potty is there if you ever want to try.”
  • “If you want help, let me know.”
  • “It looks like you might need to pee.”

The tone should be warm, calm, and genuinely unconcerned.

What to Do When a Child Starts Using the Potty

When a child has success, Janet recommends keeping the reaction low-key:

  • Acknowledge it naturally: “You went on the potty.”
  • Ask a simple, curious question: “How did that feel?”
  • Avoid big celebrations, which may shift attention away from the child and back toward adult excitement.

She warns that too much praise or hoopla can create pressure or make the moment feel less owned by the child.

Boundaries Matter Too

Janet makes a point that child-led potty learning still requires adult boundaries.

Examples She Gives

  • If a child asks for underwear but isn’t truly ready, a parent may need to say no kindly and explain that diapers are still the most comfortable option for now.
  • If a child wants to sit on the potty indefinitely, the parent can allow a reasonable attempt and then gently end it: “We can try again another time.”

Her view is that children feel more secure when parents are calm, predictable, and willing to hold boundaries.

What If Potty Learning Has Become a Struggle?

If a parent has already been pushing potty training and the child is resisting, Janet’s advice is simple:

  • Stop pushing.
  • Tell the child honestly that you trust they are capable.
  • Let them know they can ask for help when they want it.
  • Don’t keep revisiting it constantly.

She suggests that a genuine release of pressure, not just words, is what often allows progress to resume.

Potty Training for Preschool or Other External Deadlines

Janet addresses the common problem of schools requiring potty trained children. Her advice:

  • Remember that many schools are more flexible than they first appear.
  • Consider whether shorter attendance hours are possible.
  • Avoid bribes, rewards, or coercion.
  • Be honest with the child about the goal and invite collaboration without pressure.

If there is a deadline, she still recommends trust over force.

Additional Notes and Resources

Janet briefly references related resources and topics:

  • A podcast episode on why kids don’t need potty training
  • Her books:
    • No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame
    • Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

Main Takeaways

  • Potty learning should be approached as a developmental process, not a battle.
  • Children benefit from owning the accomplishment themselves.
  • Pressure often creates resistance.
  • Calm, respectful communication and predictable boundaries help children feel safe.
  • The best support parents can offer is trust.