Overview of How to Truly Connect When You Correct
In this Unruffled episode, Janet Lansbury responds to a parent’s thoughtful question about the line between setting boundaries and creating shame. The core issue: both parents are respectful and boundary-conscious with their 3-year-old, but they respond differently when he’s dysregulated. Janet argues that the real distinction is not “permissive vs. firm,” but whether the adult is fully seeing the child’s emotional state and correcting from a place of connection.
The Parent’s Main Concern
The parent describes a shared respectful parenting approach with her husband, but notices differences in tone and follow-up:
- Her approach: calm, gentle, physically stopping the behavior if needed, then moving on.
- Her husband’s approach: firmer, more frustrated tone, more emphasis on explaining why the behavior is wrong, and sometimes requiring the child to “make it right” afterward.
Specific examples include:
- Throwing a fork or phone when hungry/tired or otherwise dysregulated
- Pulling flowers out of a pot and tipping it over
- The child appearing ashamed after being corrected
She wonders:
- Is there a real difference between their approaches?
- When does a boundary become shame?
- Why does the child seem more dysregulated with one parent than the other?
- How can they align without undermining each other?
Janet’s Core Interpretation
Janet’s main takeaway is that the child is likely not acting out consciously, but is instead showing impulsive, dysregulated behavior that needs to be met with both limits and emotional recognition.
She believes:
- The child already knows the behaviors are not okay.
- What he may be missing is a sense that the parent is fully seeing him in that moment.
- The issue is less about “bad behavior” and more about connection during correction.
Janet’s key phrase:
- “Connect before, during, and after” correction, not just before.
What Janet Thinks Is Happening
Janet suggests that the mother is handling the behavior calmly and kindly, but may be slightly glossing over the deeper emotional moment. In her view, the child may need more than a boundary; he may need a brief moment of recognition, such as:
- “Where did that come from?”
- “What’s going on here?”
- “You’re having a hard time right now.”
- “What happened there?”
She emphasizes that this is not about demanding a logical explanation from a 3-year-old. It’s about showing the child: I see you, I notice the shift, and I’m not just reacting to the behavior.
Shame vs. Boundary
Janet distinguishes a healthy boundary from a shaming response this way:
- Healthy boundary: firm, calm, and rooted in understanding the child’s dysregulation.
- Shaming response: more personally offended, more focused on the child being “bad” or “destructive,” and less attuned to the child’s emotional state.
She notes that the father’s sternness may make the child feel like certain parts of himself are not welcome, which can increase the child’s effort to control behavior around him.
Why the Child May Act Differently With Each Parent
Janet suggests this dynamic may be a form of complementing each other:
- The mother sees the child’s best qualities and dysregulation, but may not fully “join” him in the hard moment.
- The father sees the behavior more clearly as problematic, but may not see the dysregulation as clearly.
This can lead the child to feel that:
- One parent sees the “good” self more.
- The other sees the “naughty” self more.
Janet believes children are deeply sensitive to whether they are being seen as a whole person.
Practical Guidance Janet Offers
For the mother
- Continue holding boundaries calmly.
- Add a brief moment of curiosity and recognition before moving on.
- Notice the child’s impulse as a signal of dysregulation, not just misbehavior.
For the father
- Keep the boundary, but reduce the sense of personal offense.
- Replace stern condemnation with brief curiosity and recognition.
- Avoid language that labels the child as destructive or bad.
Example of a more connected boundary
Instead of:
- “No, that’s not okay. Pick it up now.”
Try:
- “Whoa, what’s happening here? Please pick that up for me.”
- “I can’t let you throw that. Looks like you’re having a hard time.”
Main Takeaways
- Boundaries and connection are not opposites.
- Young children often need to be seen in their dysregulation, not just corrected.
- Shame can creep in when adults focus too much on the “bad side” of the child.
- A child may act out more with one parent because of how that parent is perceived emotionally, not because one parent is necessarily “better” or “worse.”
- The goal is to help the child feel understood as a whole, imperfect, lovable person.
Resources Mentioned
- Janet Lansbury’s No Bad Kids book
- No Bad Kids course at NoBadKidsCourse.com
Closing Message
Janet ends by reinforcing her broader parenting philosophy: children thrive when they are seen as “three-dimensional, immature, impulsive, imperfect people” who are still deeply treasured.