Overview of Unruffled: Dealing with Judgmental Comments About Our Parenting
In this episode of Unruffled, Janet Lansbury responds to a parent worried about grandparents’ judgmental, shaming comments around her children’s behavior. The parent and her husband practice respectful, RIE/Montessori-informed parenting, but extended family members often override them with “old-school” reactions like scolding, moralizing, and labeling the children’s behavior as “bad.” Janet’s core message: focus less on changing the grandparents and more on strengthening the parents’ own presence, boundaries, and direct connection with the children.
The Parent’s Concern
The parent describes a recurring pattern:
- When her 3-year-old throws food, she and her husband respond calmly and neutrally.
- Grandparents often jump in with comments like:
- “We don’t throw food.”
- “That’s not good.”
- “That’s not how a big girl behaves.”
- “You have to share.”
- The parents worry these comments create:
- mixed messages,
- shame,
- confusion,
- and possible long-term effects on the children.
She’s not mainly concerned about criticism of her parenting; she’s concerned about how this affects the children.
Janet’s Main Perspective
The biggest influence is still the parents
Janet emphasizes that primary caregivers shape children far more than grandparents or other outside voices. While other adults can be influential, they are not usually the defining force in a child’s self-concept.
Don’t spend too much energy trying to change others
She encourages the parent to let go of what she cannot control. If grandparents are set in old patterns, trying to reform them can become a drain on energy.
The issue may affect the child’s relationship with grandparents more than the child’s identity
Janet says the most likely long-term effect is not that the grandparents’ comments will define the child forever, but that the child may eventually feel judged or shamed by those relatives and pull away from them.
What Janet Recommends Instead
1. Continue modeling the parenting you want
The parents are already doing the most important work by demonstrating respectful, calm responses.
2. Be more direct and present with the child
Janet wonders whether the parents may be a little too polite or scripted in these moments, especially if the behavior is repeated. She suggests:
- noticing the child more clearly,
- acknowledging what’s happening,
- and being more direct when needed.
For example, instead of only saying a neutral script, it may help to say something like:
- “I see you’re showing us you’re done eating.”
- “I don’t want you to throw food.”
- “We’re stopping that now.”
Her point is that children need to feel seen, especially when they’re doing something they know is not allowed.
3. Understand the behavior, not just the surface
Janet believes the grandparents are reacting to what they see on the outside, but the parents may need to look deeper:
- Why is the child throwing food repeatedly?
- Is the sibling conflict a sign of deeper adjustment stress?
- Is the older child reacting to the younger child’s presence and the loss of exclusive attention?
She notes that the behavior may be a form of communication, not simply “bad behavior.”
4. Use gentle limits with sibling conflict
For the toddler and infant dynamics, Janet agrees with not intervening in every conflict. But she also recommends stepping in when the older child is repeatedly crossing a line, even if the behavior isn’t dangerous.
Examples:
- “I know you don’t want her to have that, but I’m going to stop you here.”
- “I won’t let you keep taking things from her.”
- “I won’t let you touch her body like that.”
The goal is to combine empathy, limits, and support.
On “Mixed Messages” and Shame-Based Discipline
Janet argues that the grandparents’ comments are not truly “mixed messages” because the underlying goal is the same: they want the behavior to stop. The difference is in the method.
Old-school approach:
- scolding
- shaming
- moral judgment
- “good/bad” labels
Janet’s approach:
- curiosity about the cause
- respect for the child
- clear but calm limits
- helping children feel understood
She explains that shame-based discipline may stop behavior on the surface, but it often leaves children feeling:
- wrong,
- distrustful of themselves,
- and burdened by internalized shame.
A Broader Parenting Insight
Janet also points out something many parents experience: seeing grandparents’ reactions can trigger awareness of how they themselves were treated as children. That realization can be painful, but also clarifying.
She encourages the parent to view this as part of her own growth:
- recognizing old patterns,
- seeing what no longer works,
- and staying open to doing things differently.
Key Takeaways
- Grandparents’ comments are not likely to define your child.
- Your consistent, respectful parenting matters far more.
- Focus on what you can control: your response, your boundaries, your presence.
- Children need to feel seen, especially when they’re acting out.
- Old-school shaming may stop behavior, but it often creates shame.
- If the behavior is repeated, consider whether the child needs more direct guidance or a stronger limit.
- If a relative becomes abusive, stronger boundaries around contact may be necessary.
Bottom Line
Janet’s advice is to trust the long game: keep parenting with empathy and clarity, stop trying to manage other adults’ reactions, and look more closely at what your child may be communicating through the behavior itself. The parents are already doing meaningful work; the next step is not controlling the grandparents, but deepening connection and guidance with the children.