Overview of Connecting with Kids Shouldn't Be a Performance
In this episode of Unruffled, Janet Lansbury argues that real connection with children does not come from getting them to “perform” — repeat words, show skills, smile on cue, or entertain adults. Instead, genuine bonding comes from observing, listening, receiving, and being interested in the child as a full person. She uses a listener’s question about a grandmother who pressures a 17-month-old to perform as the springboard for a broader discussion of how adults can relate to children more respectfully and effectively.
Core Idea: Connection Is Not a Performance
Janet challenges a common misconception: that connecting with babies and toddlers means prompting them to imitate, demonstrate, or amuse us.
Why performance-based connection misses the mark
- It is not truly relational; it’s surface-level engagement.
- It teaches children that connection requires acting for approval rather than simply being themselves.
- It can be emotionally exhausting for adults and children alike.
- It may feel like connection in the moment, but it does not build depth, trust, or mutual understanding.
- It can subtly devalue the child by implying they must earn attention through a display.
What Real Connection Looks Like
Janet emphasizes that children are already people with awareness, preferences, and point of view — even as infants.
Practical ways to connect
- Observe quietly rather than trying to force engagement.
- Notice what the child is focused on and comment on that.
- Reflect what you see instead of demanding a response.
- Be genuinely interested in the child’s experience.
- Let connection come from presence, not performance.
Examples she gives
- “You’re really interested in those blocks.”
- “You heard the dog barking.”
- “You’re concentrating on something right now.”
These kinds of comments help children feel seen without pressure.
Responding to Grandparents or Other Adults Who Push for Performance
The listener’s concern centers on a grandmother who repeatedly asks a bright toddler to show off his skills, physically manipulates him into actions, and ignores or overrides his attention when he’s focused elsewhere.
Janet’s guidance
- Back off from trying to correct or manage the grandparent directly.
- Instead, model the behavior you want to see.
- Help the child interpret the situation calmly and neutrally.
- Use a kind of sportscasting: describe what is happening without judgment.
Examples of neutral reflection
- “Grandma really likes when you do the things she asks.”
- “You’re busy right now, and Grandma wants something else.”
- “It looks like you two want different things right now.”
This approach:
- reduces power struggles,
- avoids shaming the grandparent,
- helps the child understand the relationship in context,
- and gently reveals the child’s autonomy.
Key Parenting Takeaways
For children
- They don’t need to perform to be worthy of attention.
- They benefit from adults who respect their focus and interests.
- Even young children can distinguish between different adults’ styles and expectations.
For adults
- Genuine connection is often quieter and simpler than we expect.
- Trying to “work” a child for reactions can be more about adult insecurity than the child’s needs.
- Trusting children — and letting them show who they are — creates a more relaxed, authentic bond.
Bottom Line
Janet’s main message is that children should never have to earn connection by entertaining adults. Real bond-building happens when adults slow down, pay attention, and treat children as full people. In family situations where others are more performative or intrusive, the best response is often calm modeling, reflection, and trust rather than correction or control.