Overview of Choose Not to Battle with Your Child (Here’s How)
In this episode of Unruffled, Janet Lansbury responds to a parent’s email about feeling constantly locked in power struggles with her nearly 3-year-old—especially around transitions, separation, morning routines, affection before drop-off, and potty learning. Her central message is that toddlers often need less negotiation and more calm, confident leadership from adults, particularly during transitions and emotionally loaded moments.
Main Takeaways
- Toddlers are not trying to be difficult on purpose; they’re often struggling with developmentally normal issues like autonomy, transitions, and separation.
- Parents can get stuck in battles when they offer too many choices, explanations, or negotiation opportunities during moments the child cannot handle.
- The child in the email seems especially sensitive to separation, which may be intensified by adoption history and the loss of a nanny, but Lansbury emphasizes that the answer is not to tiptoe around separation—it’s to handle it confidently and allow feelings.
- Much of the child’s behavior is framed as a sign that he needs help, structure, and leadership, not more pressure or more reassurance.
What’s Driving the Conflict
Transitions Are the Big Issue
Lansbury repeatedly emphasizes that young children often struggle most with transitions:
- getting dressed
- leaving the house
- moving from play to school
- shifting from connection to separation
She explains that this child is likely not rejecting school or his mother, but having a hard time moving from one state to another. The solution is to avoid putting him in charge of transitions he can’t manage.
Separation Sensitivity
The parent wonders whether the child’s resistance is tied to being separated from her at school. Lansbury agrees this may be part of it, but she reframes it as something that can be healed through experience, not avoided.
Key idea:
- Children process separation by feeling the feelings that come up around it
- Parents help by staying steady, not by over-explaining or repeatedly trying to “fix” the emotion in the moment
Practical Guidance Janet Gives
Reduce Negotiation in the Moment
Lansbury advises against asking questions like:
- “Do you want to walk or be carried?”
- “Do you want your diaper or underwear?”
- “Do you want to climb into the car seat or have me help you?”
when the child is already dysregulated or stalling. Instead, she recommends:
- calmly stating what is happening
- moving forward with confidence
- offering minimal choices only when the child can genuinely use them
Don’t Reinforce Avoidance
The child runs, hides, stalls, and negotiates, which Lansbury interprets as signs of overwhelm. Her advice is to stop giving him openings to avoid the transition and simply help him through it.
Examples of a firmer, calmer approach:
- carry him if needed
- physically prevent the game of running away
- keep the routine moving
- don’t keep reopening the same decision
Use Boundaries with Affection Too
The parent keeps returning for hugs and kisses because she doesn’t want him to think she doesn’t love him. Lansbury suggests that repeatedly going back is actually prolonging the struggle.
Instead:
- offer the affection once
- if he refuses, say something like, “I’d love to give you hugs and kisses when I pick you up”
- allow him to feel disappointed or upset
Her point is that the child is not being rejected—he’s being gently held in a boundary.
Potty Learning: Follow Readiness, Not Pressure
Lansbury says potty learning is another area where the child must ultimately lead, but the parent still sets the boundary by noticing whether he is actually ready.
She advises:
- don’t turn underwear vs. diaper into a power struggle
- don’t insist on progress before the child is ready
- recognize that this child may be working through too many other developmental and emotional changes right now
She also connects toilet learning to separation in a broader developmental sense, noting that children must be emotionally ready for the experience of “letting go.”
On the Child’s Intelligence and Potential
The mother worries that her son’s strong will may cause future authority problems, especially because of what she learned about his biological father. Lansbury reassures her that:
- his pushing back is normal toddler autonomy
- his intelligence and spirit are not problems to fix
- she does not need to overcompensate by pushing enrichment or trying to shape his future
Instead, she encourages her to:
- trust his development
- provide love and opportunities
- follow his lead in areas like books, stories, drawing, and learning
Final Message
Lansbury’s core advice is that this child doesn’t need more persuasion or reassurance—he needs:
- steady leadership
- clear boundaries
- confidence from his parent
- permission to express feelings
Her reassurance to the parent is that these struggles are not signs of failure, but signs of a child developing normally and working through separation and autonomy. If the parent stops battling and starts leading with calm confidence, daily life should become much easier for both of them.