Overview of Can We Overcome Our Upbringing?
In this episode of Unruffled, Janet Lansbury responds to a parent who feels stuck repeating the harsh, boundary-blurring patterns of her own upbringing. The discussion centers on how childhood experiences shape parenting instincts, why many parents struggle to assert limits without guilt or defensiveness, and how children actually benefit when adults lead with calm, confident boundaries.
Key Themes and Discussion Points
It’s not too late to change
- Janet emphasizes that the parent has not damaged her children beyond repair.
- Relationships are always evolving, especially with young children.
- With a five-year-old and a three-year-old, there is still plenty of room for repair, growth, and stronger connection.
The parent’s upbringing affects her current parenting
- The parent describes growing up with a mother who screamed, guilt-tripped, used silent treatment, and hit.
- Janet suggests this likely taught her that:
- her own needs did not matter,
- boundaries invited rejection,
- and she had to stay “good” by accommodating others.
- This can lead to perfectionism, anxiety, over-explaining, lecturing, and emotional reactivity.
Boundaries are not selfish — they are necessary
- A central message is that the parent deserves boundaries.
- Janet reframes boundaries as a form of respectful leadership:
- “This is what I need.”
- “This is what I believe is best.”
- “You can disagree, but the boundary stands.”
- Children need this kind of stable leadership because they cannot set those limits for themselves.
Reasoning and lecturing often backfire
- The parent says she tries to reason with her children, but that things escalate until she yells and then feels ashamed.
- Janet explains that reasoning too much often happens when a parent is on the defensive and hoping for the child’s agreement.
- She encourages parents to move away from negotiation and toward calm certainty.
The screen-time issue is really a boundary issue
- The parent is battling constant screen-time conflict with her kids.
- Janet advises making a clear, firm decision rather than continually debating it.
- Suggested approach:
- give a heads-up,
- state the limit plainly,
- allow the child to feel upset,
- do not argue or keep revisiting the decision.
- Children may resist strongly at first, but they often become calmer and more creative once the limit is no longer negotiable.
Let go of what you do not control
- Janet notes that some situations were beyond the parent’s control, such as:
- the mother-in-law’s caregiving choices,
- the husband’s lack of support in earlier decisions.
- In those cases, she recommends focusing on where the parent does have power, rather than trying to control everything.
The husband dynamic also calls for boundaries
- Janet briefly notes that the parent may need to assert herself with her husband as well, especially if he criticizes or undermines her.
- While she avoids deep relationship advice, she encourages simple, direct statements like:
- “Don’t talk to me like that.”
- This would also model healthy self-respect for the children.
Practical Advice Janet Gives
Be clear and decisive
- Decide the boundary first.
- State it simply.
- Do not turn it into a debate.
Expect resistance
- Children may react with anger, bargaining, tears, or protest.
- That resistance does not mean the boundary is wrong.
Stay calm and consistent
- No lecturing.
- No over-explaining.
- No yelling if possible.
- Firmness plus empathy is the goal.
Brainstorm after the boundary is set
- Once the limit is in place, invite ideas for coping or replacement activities.
- Example: ask what materials or activities the children might enjoy instead of screens.
Main Takeaways
- You can overcome your upbringing, but it starts with self-compassion.
- Boundaries are a right, not a luxury.
- Good parenting does not require your child’s approval.
- Your children need you to be the calm, confident leader.
- It is never too late to improve the relationship.
Resources Mentioned
- Janet Lansbury’s No Bad Kids
- Janet Lansbury’s No Bad Kids Master Course
- Her new book, Baby Person