Overview of Unruffled — 3 Reasons Your Toddler Rejects You for Their Other Parent
Janet Lansbury (host of Unruffled) answers a parent's question about a 21‑month‑old who repeatedly prefers Dad over Mom in certain moments (waking, comfort, bedtime routines). Lansbury explains why this behavior is normal, breaks it into three main causes, and gives practical, emotional, and relational strategies for parents to handle it without damaging the parent–child bond.
Main points / Three reasons toddlers show a parent preference
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Phase of bonding
- Toddlers naturally go through phases of intense attachment to one parent. This “in‑love” mode is temporary and not a reflection of deeper love for the other parent.
- Preference can happen whether the favored parent is more present (comfort/familiarity) or less present (novelty/excitement).
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Parental emotional reactions (triggers) amplify the pattern
- Children pick up on adult discomfort, jealousy, or sadness. If a parent visibly reacts, the child may keep repeating the behavior to understand or test that reaction.
- Parents’ past wounds or insecurities can make them feel personally rejected even when the child’s behavior is normal toddler development.
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The favored parent’s responses (boundary weakness) reinforce it
- If the preferred parent gives in (out of guilt, discomfort seeing a child upset, or being overly accommodating), the child learns they can control the situation by demanding one parent.
- Both parents must be comfortable setting and holding boundaries so the phase can pass quickly.
Practical advice — what to do (Do / Don’t)
Do:
- Remind yourself and each other of the solid bond you already have with your child (e.g., “We have a lovely relationship when it’s just us”).
- Be calm and do what you actually want to do (hug Dad, go on the walk, read the book) even if the toddler protests — do it without dramatizing it.
- Accept the child’s feelings but don’t obey every demand. Allow them to be upset when a boundary is set.
- Present a united front: both parents should be clear and comfortable with boundaries.
- Do your emotional work: notice triggers and self‑soothe so your reactions don’t prolong the phase.
Don’t:
- Don’t try to reason or talk the toddler out of their feelings — explanations at this age aren’t effective.
- Don’t ignore the child’s words in a way that feels evasive; instead acknowledge feelings briefly and proceed with the planned action.
- Don’t let one parent wilt or cede the situation out of guilt — that teaches the child they can boss adults around.
Why this will pass (and timeline)
- This is a normal toddler developmental phase. With consistent, calm boundaries and parents not amplifying the dynamic with strong emotional reactions, the preference typically passes quickly (weeks to months depending on the child and family patterns).
Notable quotes / Soundbites
- “My daughter and I have a lovely relationship when he is not around. … That’s it right there.”
- “Accept her side of it, but not obey her side of it.”
- “Do what you want to do and face the music of your child not agreeing with what you want to do.”
Quick checklist for parents
- Pause: name your own emotion (jealousy, hurt) so you don’t react out of it.
- Reaffirm: remind yourself of the secure bond you have with your child.
- Decide: one or both parents decide what will happen (who reads, hugs, goes on the walk).
- Hold: set the boundary calmly and allow the child to express their upset.
- Support each other: ensure the favored parent enforces the boundary too.
Example anecdote
- Janet describes her own child preferring her for bedtime between ages 2–3. Her husband didn’t take it personally and supported the boundary, allowing their daughter to pass through the phase quickly.
Summary: toddler preference for one parent is common and temporary. The fastest and least painful resolution is calm parental self‑awareness, mutual boundary setting, and doing what you (the adult) genuinely want to do while allowing the child to feel upset without backing down.