How to show up in any room with a low heart rate: Silicon Valley’s missing etiquette playbook | Sam Lessin

Summary of How to show up in any room with a low heart rate: Silicon Valley’s missing etiquette playbook | Sam Lessin

by Lenny Rachitsky

1h 26m•January 15, 2026
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Overview of How to show up in any room with a low heart rate (Lenny Rachitsky — guest: Sam Lessin)

This episode features Sam Lessin (partner at Slow Ventures, ex‑Facebook VP of Product, two‑time founder) describing why modern etiquette matters for founders and professionals — and concrete rules for showing up calm, confident, and trust‑worthy. Sam’s core framing: etiquette = the skill of “showing up in a room with a low heart rate.” He walks through introductions, conversations, dining, hygiene, dressing, scheduling, meetings (virtual & in‑person), communications, and exits — with lots of pragmatic examples and short, usable rules.

Key takeaways

  • Etiquette’s practical goal: build trust, lower other people’s heart rates, and leave interactions open for follow-up.
  • Mindset matters: show up with abundance (not scarcity); aim to give more than you take.
  • Small, often invisible signals (timing, eye contact, fit, which email recipients are listed first) shape perceptions more than grand gestures.
  • Use AI as a tool, not as the core startup thesis: Sam’s contrarian stance is to avoid investing in companies that brand themselves primarily as “AI companies.”
  • If you do nothing else: keep your heart rate low, be confident, ask when unsure, and project respect.

Notable quotes

  • “Etiquette is a skill for how to show up in a room with a low heart rate.”
  • “This is part of the story. This is not the entire story.” (re: any single social moment)
  • TL;DR from the book: build trust, project genuine confidence, maintain an abundance mindset, and keep your heart rate low.

Rules & tips — by situation

Introductions & entering a room

  • Be early (10–15 minutes buffer); if late, apologize briefly and move on.
  • Strong, firm handshake (not crushing).
  • Repeat names out loud when introduced to help memory.
  • If someone else is late, don’t make a big deal out of it.
  • Introduce your partner first; use the partner trick to recover a forgotten name (introduce partner, then have them introduce the other person).
  • Use “Great to see you” instead of “Nice to see you” to avoid awkwardly claiming prior meetings.

Conversations & networking

  • Think ping‑pong, not interview: alternate asking questions and offering something (insight, story).
  • Ask real questions but don’t interrogate; avoid long monologues or six questions in a row.
  • Match vocabulary / tone to the person/room to put them at ease.
  • Leave them wanting more — know when to exit gracefully; don’t hang on.
  • With famous people: be respectful, not sycophantic; don’t demand contact info — let them offer it.

Hygiene, scent & dress

  • Don’t smell bad; don’t overpower with fragrance — scent should be unobtrusive.
  • Dress one level up from the expected dress code (not 2–3 levels).
  • Fit matters more than brand/price; a well‑fitting inexpensive item beats a misfitting luxury one.
  • If unsure about dress code, ask.
  • Avoid conspicuous displays of wealth that signal cultural tone‑deafness (e.g., flashy watches).

Dining etiquette

  • Don’t order the most expensive item on the menu when with a host; match the tone.
  • Let the host/orderer set the tone (order after them, match middle‑of‑the‑pack).
  • Offer to pay; expect to be declined when a host is clearly taking the bill. If you pay, tip generously.
  • Tip well — don’t make tipping memorable for stinginess.
  • Practical table cues: “B for Bread, D for Drinks” to identify plate position; napkin in lap; knife blade in (not pointing at partner).
  • If tasting wine with a sommelier or host, give a sip when appropriate.

Small talk & humor

  • Humor is powerful but conditional; self‑deprecating humor is safer than making others the butt of jokes.
  • Keep crowd‑pleasing short stories ready (2–3 minute anecdotes).
  • Use small talk as the “handshake” (modem handshake metaphor) to sync before deeper conversation.

Scheduling & assistants

  • Be thoughtful about scheduling tools: don’t default to Calendly for every senior interaction.
  • If you’re the less senior/busier person, offer to adapt; otherwise, give real, useful availability.
  • Respect EAs/PAs — treat gatekeepers courteously; build relationships with them.
  • When rescheduling: give notice and be flexible to accommodate the other person.

Communication (email, text, messaging)

  • Emails: short, clear, readable; assume recipient is busy; acknowledge quickly if you can’t fully answer.
  • Proofread; don’t accidentally include people you’re writing about.
  • Emojis: use sparingly in business contexts — they signal familiarity and can be misread.
  • CC/to order matters: who’s first signals who the email is primarily for; CC implies “for your records.”

Meetings & video calls

  • Arrive ~10–15 minutes early; small talk OK before diving in.
  • For virtual meetings: camera on when appropriate, tidy background, dress suitably for the call.
  • Avoid virtual backgrounds unless done well; a real tidy background is fine.
  • Clean up after yourself in physical meetings (offer to put your cup away) — small acts signal respect.

Exiting & follow up

  • Stand when shaking hands or when people enter/leave a formal meal.
  • Exit gracefully: thank the host, send a short thank‑you note after the meeting, avoid dramatic goodbyes in large groups.
  • Follow up with short, genuine gratitude and next steps when appropriate.

Actionable checklist (do this tomorrow)

  • Arrive 10–15 minutes early; if late, apologize succinctly.
  • Practice repeating names aloud when introduced.
  • Check your meeting background and make sure it’s tidy for your next video call.
  • Outfit: wear one level up; ensure fit is correct.
  • When invited to dinner, offer to pay (accept a decline gracefully).
  • Proofread next email; keep it <5 sentences and include a clear ask.
  • Respect EAs/PAs: be polite to gatekeepers and reply with thanks when they help.

Sam’s practical projects & viewpoints

  • Book & classes: Sam wrote a short etiquette book and teaches etiquette classes (YC founders, global cities).
  • LetterMeme: Sam built an AI‑driven newsletter aggregator that summarises multiple newsletters into a daily cartoon digest (lettermeme.com).
  • Contrarian investment view: don’t invest in startups that are merely “AI companies.” Invest in businesses that use AI as infrastructure or that solve new/AI‑created problems (e.g., AI detection, trust, safety).
  • Contrarian motto: Sam suggests that many seed investors will lose money on hyped AI‑branded startups because of capital intensity and commoditization.

Notable resources & recommendations

  • Sam Lessin: slow.co (Slow Ventures); samlessin on social handles; lesson@gmail.com (he reads it).
  • Book suggestions Sam recommends: Lessons of History (Will Durant), Man’s Search for Meaning (Viktor Frankl), The Ancient City.
  • Sam’s personal motto/office poster: “Carthage must burn.” (From a Facebook hackathon era poster — symbolic of competitive focus.)

Quick reference — “If you remember only five things”

  • Keep your heart rate low — show calm confidence.
  • Be a little early and curious; apologize briefly if late.
  • Put effort into small signals: eye contact, name recall, fit of clothing.
  • Treat scheduling/assistants and servers with respect.
  • Follow up with a short thank‑you and clear next step.

This episode is a practical, high‑signal guide — especially useful for founders and people who want to navigate Silicon Valley (and professional) social situations more deliberately and with less stress.