A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy

Summary of A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy

by Lenny Rachitsky

1h 31m•February 1, 2026
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Overview of A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy

Dr. Becky Kennedy (Good Inside) joins Lenny Rachitsky to translate parenting psychology into practical leadership tools for work. The episode argues that many interpersonal problems—whether with toddlers or coworkers—stem from unmet needs, missing skills, and misread intentions. Dr. Becky presents a set of repeatable mindsets, scripts and frameworks (repair, connect-before-correct, “people are good inside,” most generous interpretation, sturdy leadership, boundaries-as-action) that improve behavior, trust, resilience and productivity in both family and workplace systems.

Key takeaways

  • People are good inside: separate behavior from identity. Start hard conversations by acknowledging the person, not condemning their character.
  • Repair is the core relationship strategy: apologizing, owning mistakes, acknowledging impact and describing what you’ll do differently restores trust faster than perfection.
  • Connect before correct: briefly join someone’s reality (no agenda) to form a bridge for cooperation.
  • Most generous interpretation (MGI): prefer the kindest plausible explanation for behavior to keep discussions productive and discover root causes.
  • Boundaries vs requests: a boundary is something you will do (requires the other person to do nothing). Requests ask the other person to act and cede power.
  • Sturdy leadership: hold compassion for others’ feelings AND remain steady in decisions—neither dismissive nor taken over by emotion.
  • Resilience over happiness: teaching/leading to tolerate and navigate hard feelings builds long-term capability and wellbeing; optimizing for short-term comfort creates fragility.

Practical scripts & phrases (use these verbatim or adapt)

  • Repair (meeting/caregiver): “Hey, earlier in the meeting I cut you off and used a harsh tone. I disagree with your point, but I’m sorry for how I spoke. I’ll work on staying calmer and would like to re-open that discussion.”
  • Connect-before-correct (taxes example): “Whoa — you look like you just settled in. We have to get our taxes done tonight. Can we do this together? I know we’re on the same team.”
  • Lateness / performance conversation: “I want to say we’re on the same team. I know you’re a good person and you probably don’t need me to tell you we need to start meetings on time. It’s been happening consistently — tell me what’s going on so we can figure it out together.”
  • Boundary (elevator buttons): “When we go into the elevator, I’m going to stand between you and the buttons — I won’t let you press them because other people are waiting.” (Action = what you will do; they are required to do nothing.)
  • Carrying-to-car boundary: “If by the time I turn around you’re still here, I’m going to pick you up and carry you to the car. I don’t want to yell later — I’m doing this because I love you and we need to get going.”
  • Sturdy-leader announcement (pilot metaphor): “I hear everyone is upset; that makes sense. This turbulence is scary, but I know what I’m doing. I’ll get back to my job — we’ll get through this and I’ll see you when we land.”
  • Two-liner to build capability: “I believe you — this is hard and your feelings make sense. I also believe in you — I know you can work through this and I’ll support you.”

Frameworks & metaphors (how to think about situations)

  • Behavior = feeling(s) + lacking skill(s). Bad behavior usually signals feelings that overpower skills; teach skills rather than punish only.
  • Separate identity & behavior (visualize two hands: one = identity (“good person”), other = behavior (“late”)). This reduces defensiveness and enables problem-solving.
  • Most generous interpretation (MGI): deliberately craft the kindest plausible explanation to generate curiosity and workable solutions.
  • “I believe you” (one foot in the hole) + “I believe in you” (one foot out) — both required to help people move from stuck to capable.
  • Sturdy leadership = acknowledge feelings (validate) + hold the boundary/decision steady. Avoid the extremes of shaming or abdicating leadership.

For leaders: short cultural prescriptions

  • Start difficult conversations by affirming team membership and the person’s goodwill.
  • Be explicit about intentions when making requests/changes; name why you’re doing something to reduce perceived control threats.
  • Use repair when you mess up publicly—model accountability.
  • Build resilience norms: give early corrective feedback (not late, punitive surprises); reinforce “hard but doable” framing.
  • Use MGI and curiosity instead of judgment to diagnose recurring behavior.

Good Inside — product & resources mentioned

  • GoodInside.com — app and community (AI chatbot “Gigi”), live workshops, trained coaches, expert-driven but parent/community-centered resources.
  • Free potty-learning course available at goodinside.com/potty (emphasis on “potty learning” as skill teaching).
  • Books and upcoming title: Leave Me Alone — A Good Inside Story About Deeply Feeling Kids (out Feb 2026; pre-order available).
  • Company: ~65 people, profitable, venture-backed; product combines insight + action in bite-sized, on-the-go formats.

Quick action checklist (what to try this week)

  • Before a corrective talk, reframe: “We’re on the same team. I know you’re a good person…” then ask “Tell me what’s going on.”
  • Next time you feel annoyed, use the MGI: jot the kindest plausible explanation and see if it produces a different intervention.
  • Practice a repair when you screw up (short, specific, responsibility + next steps).
  • Try one boundary and make it an action you will take (don’t make it contingent on the other person).
  • Ask one person (kid or team member): “If I could do one thing differently this week to be better for you, what would it be?”

Notable quotes & soundbites

  • “People are good inside.”
  • “Perfect is creepy.”
  • “Repair is the number one relationship strategy we have.”
  • “Boundaries are what you tell someone else you will do — and they require the other person to do nothing.”
  • “Resilience over happiness.”

Where to learn more

  • GoodInside.com — app, community, resources, free potty course, books.
  • Use the scripts above in meetings, 1:1s, and parenting moments to practice the mindset shift: separate identity from behavior, assume generosity, connect before correcting, and lead sturdily.

If you want a single practical experiment: pick one recurring interpersonal friction (at home or work), apply the MGI + “I believe you / I believe in you” pairing once, and follow it with a repair (if needed). Notice how quickly defensiveness and escalation drop and how actionable solutions appear.