Overview of "Being an “ally” is kind of cringe. Why?"
This Code Switch live episode (NPR) explores why the idea of being an “ally” has become fraught and even cringe-worthy. Hosts Gene Demby and B.A. Parker sit with comedians Millie Tamares and Hari Kondabolu at On Air Fest to map how allyship language and practice have shifted over the last decade—from earnest, interpersonal commitments to widespread performative displays—and to argue for what meaningful allyship should actually look like.
Key themes and takeaways
- Allyship has moved from private, action-oriented support to often public, performative signaling (black squares, corporate statements, social-media posts). That shift has generated cynicism and fatigue.
- Meaningful allyship requires time, money, physical risk, and ongoing work—not just symbols or declarations.
- There’s tension between public apologies/performances and private, concrete remediation. Both can matter, but public actions should not erase or co-opt the labor of those who did the work originally.
- People of color shoulder emotional labor (educating, calling out harm, doing the work), and they shouldn’t be expected to also absorb public performative gestures or free forgiveness.
- Accountability and reparative action matter: donating to causes, changing practices, giving credit to originators, and doing anti-racist learning are examples of substantive moves.
Timeline: how we got here
- Mid-2010s (2015–2016): Code Switch-era conversations focused on interpersonal race dynamics—dating, friendships, family—and how individuals show up for one another.
- Late 2010s (2018): Campus debates and younger people finding their racial awareness; earnestness among students contrasted with skepticism about adult commitments.
- 2018–2020: Books like How to Be an Antiracist and White Fragility brought anti-racist language into broad circulation; corporations and public figures began publicly signaling support (sometimes superficially).
- 2020 (post-George Floyd): An explosion of symbolic solidarity (black squares, posts), corporate statements, and celebrity responses—many perceived as performative. This era exacerbated the public/private allyship debate.
Guests' stories and examples
Millie Tamares — "White Forgiveness Project"
- Millie described a satirical campaign where white people could Venmo her money in exchange for “forgiveness” or to confess past micro/macro racist acts; the concept went viral at various points, including after George Floyd.
- The campaign produced many small contributions and a few large ones (one $2,000 payment resulted in a new couch). Beyond the humor, she used the story to highlight how people expect absolution and how POC can be put in the awkward position of monetizing or performing forgiveness.
- Her experience illustrates how performative contrition can show up as transactional and how POC bear additional burdens when white people try to “cleanse” guilt publicly.
Hari Kondabolu — The Problem with Apu
- Hari discussed his 2017 documentary criticizing The Simpsons character Apu (and the larger problem of reductive stereotyping and white actors voicing characters of color).
- Hank Azaria (former voice of Apu) later engaged in anti-racist learning and donated to related nonprofits. Hari appreciated Azaria’s sincere effort but also criticized how the mainstream narrative often focused on white redemption without crediting the BIPOC creators who raised concerns first.
- The exchange shows both the possible value of public reckonings and the persistent issue of who gets platform, attention, and credit.
Notable quotes and moments
- Clip from Spike Lee’s Malcolm X: the classic exchange where a white woman asks, “What can I do to help?” and is told “Nothing” (a comedic-but-sharp critique of surface-level allyship).
- Hari’s invoked alternative Spike Lee scene: sincere allyship “has to start at home and in your community.”
- Millie on action vs. symbols: “I want you to Minneapolis this shit” — i.e., take action where harm occurs, put bodies/time/money on the line rather than only signaling solidarity online.
- Millie: “I would rather get money than quotes” — a riff on preferring concrete resources over performative gestures.
Practical guidance: how to be a better ally
Do:
- Act locally and concretely: donate, volunteer, vote, support policy change, participate in community efforts.
- Give credit and compensate people who do the work (writers, activists, creators).
- Take responsibility, do the uncomfortable learning (anti-racism trainings, books, listening), and be consistent over time.
- Center impacted communities in public reckonings; amplify, don’t co-opt, their voices.
Don’t:
- Rely on symbolic signals (single social posts, trending hashtags) as your primary contribution.
- Expect public forgiveness or emotional labor from people harmed.
- Use public apologies or media appearances as substitutes for tangible change and reparative action.
- Treat anti-racism as a one-off trend to be consumed.
Episode logistics / context
- Live taping at On Air Fest (Brooklyn), part of Code Switch’s 10th-anniversary programming.
- Hosts: Gene Demby and B.A. Parker.
- Guests: Millie Tamares (comedian) and Hari Kondabolu (comedian/filmmaker).
- Tone note: episode contains profanity and frank language; it’s a candid, sometimes comedic conversation about serious topics.
- Produced by Xavier Lopez; edited by Lea D’Nella; live show produced by Cher Vincent and Lauren Gonzalez.
Final thought
The episode argues that “ally” as an identity has lost resonance because it’s often reduced to surface-level signaling. Real allyship is ongoing, costly, sometimes private, and typically inconvenient—requiring action, accountability, and willingness to cede spotlight and resources to those most affected.