Overview of The One Who Stays and the One Who Goes
This episode of Where Should We Begin (hosted by Esther Perel) presents a single Zoom counseling session with a couple who met in veterinary school. They share a deep professional bond but now face a developmental rupture: he pursues international research and travels for months at a time; she is a clinician who holds the household and most of the family income. The central conflict concerns whether and how to start a family. The session explores loneliness, resentment, trust, communication patterns (problem‑solving vs. emotional validation), family‑of‑origin dynamics, logistics of parenting with two demanding careers, and practical relationship work they could try.
Key themes and takeaways
- Diverging developmental paths: After shared student life, they now need to articulate individual ambitions, needs, and compromises instead of relying on a shared reality.
- Two kinds of loneliness: the loneliness of the partner who leaves (is immersed abroad) and the loneliness of the partner who stays (handles household, animals, logistics) — and the paradox that sometimes the partner feels lonelier when the other returns.
- Guilt vs. presence: His guilt about enjoying fieldwork prevents him from expressing connection (or from being emotionally available), while her restraint (not bringing up difficult topics) is often to avoid making him feel guilty.
- Problem‑solving vs. emotional validation: Both are excellent problem solvers; but she often needs empathic containment ("padding") rather than immediate fixes.
- Family history matters: His childhood with an absent father and a volatile home shaped his compartmentalizing and avoidance strategies; this underlies current reentry/disconnection patterns.
- Practical constraints & fairness: Child‑rearing would require concrete role adjustments (career pauses, redistributed domestic labor, external support) — not just emotional decisions.
- Object constancy and reentry rituals: He struggles to hold the relationship emotionally while away; learning to maintain connection across separations is crucial for trust and for considering children.
Main moments & notable anecdotes
- Setting: The session is on Zoom; eight pets (dogs, cats, guinea pigs) are physically present and serve as metaphors/actors in the relationship.
- “We already have a family with all of our pets” — pets both demonstrate caregiving and substitute for human family dynamics.
- Reentry tension: After long trips he returns emotionally distant (no immediate hug/kiss), leaving her feeling lonelier on his return than during his absence.
- Snowblower episode: A 4 a.m. snowblower crisis became emblematic — she felt alone and overwhelmed; he remembers it differently; the mismatch illustrates emotional disconnection and different perceptions of urgency.
- He says he would like her to “teach me to say ‘I love you’” — an opening toward increasing emotional expressiveness.
- The subject of sexuality was raised near the end and was addressed in a follow-up session.
Therapist’s insights and interpretations (Esther Perel)
- This is a developmental transition: from shared student identity to differentiated adult identities requiring explicit negotiation about careers, family, and priorities.
- The couple are stuck in a pattern: her restraint to avoid inducing his guilt, and his tendency to justify/solve rather than validate — which prevents emotional attunement.
- Underlying forces: his family-of-origin dynamics (father frequently away; volatile household) created a defensive compartmentalizing style; guilt becomes his way to hold connection, but it’s maladaptive.
- Object constancy is key: he must learn to internalize connection (remain emotionally present while physically absent) for mutual security and for a future child.
Practical recommendations & action steps offered or implied in session
- Emotional scaffolding (padding): Instead of immediately problem‑solving, use empathic responses: “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that alone,” “I can hear how hard that was.”
- Reentry rituals: Create predictable ways to reconnect after travel (calls before reentry, a welcome ritual, a decompression period with explicit time for affection).
- Clear timelines & decisions about children: Replace vague deferrals (“we’ll talk in October”) with concrete timelines, options, and shared decision points.
- Redistribute roles & expect flexibility: Map household tasks, childcare scenarios, and financial tradeoffs (who pauses or reduces work, temporary role shifts, paid support).
- Communication protocols for long‑distance: Agree on what is safe to bring up on limited calls; set regular check‑ins that allow both practical updates and emotional sharing.
- Practice vulnerability: Small exercises to increase explicit affection and appreciation (e.g., teach/coach each other in saying “I love you,” or sharing what you missed).
- Seek ongoing therapy: The session surfaced deep patterns (family history, attachment, sexuality) that would benefit from multiple sessions.
Actionable phrases and micro‑skills to try
- Validation/padding examples: “I’m sorry you had to deal with that alone. That must have been really stressful.” “I hear you — that sounds exhausting.”
- Reentry expression: “I missed you while you were away, and I’m glad to be here now.” (Pair with nonverbal gestures/ritual.)
- Boundary/timeline clarity: “Let’s pick a date by X for a concrete decision on whether and when to try for kids.”
- Division of labor framing: “Let’s list tasks that would need coverage with a child and decide how we can share or outsource them.”
Notable quotes
- “If you can get through vet school together, you can pretty much do anything.” (on their bond)
- “What’s worse than a no is just being left on.” (about indecisive responses to the question of children)
- “I feel more lonely when you’re back.” (central emotional paradox)
- “You tend to jump to problem‑solving… but sometimes that’s not what I need. I need someone to be with me.” (on emotional needs vs. solutions)
- Esther: “These are developmental questions — there’s nothing inherently problematic about it.” (reframing their conflict as a stage, not a defect)
Episode data & production notes
- Show: Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel — episode titled “The One Who Stays and the One Who Goes.”
- Format: One‑time counseling session recorded on Zoom; produced by Magnificent Noise in partnership with Vox Media, New York Magazine, and The Cut.
- Credits: Producers include Eric Newsom, Destry Sibley, Sabrina Farhi, Kristen Muller, Julian Hatten; music & additional production by Paul Schneider; executive producers Esther Perel and Jesse Baker.
- Follow‑up: The couple returned for an additional session focused on sexuality (available to listeners/subscribers).
- Sponsors (mentioned in episode): Neiman Marcus, Shopify, Babbel, CVS, Adobe Express, Travel Nevada / Eater.
If you want a one‑line summary: an engaged, high‑achieving couple must move from implicit shared identity to explicit negotiation — emotional validation, concrete timelines, and restructured roles will determine whether they can both pursue careers and build a family.