Summary of I Have a Crush on a Coworker

Overview of "I Have a Crush on a Coworker"

This episode of Where Should We Begin? features a caller—recently divorced after a long marriage—who has developed a crush on a man from her workplace. She is torn because the breakup is still recent (divorce finalized six months ago), they work on the same team, and she worries about repeating past relational mistakes (moving too fast, ignoring red flags). Therapist Esther Perel listens, clarifies the caller’s history (including earlier abusive relationships and a nine‑year partnership that lacked emotional attunement), and offers practical guidance for how to hold, test, and possibly pursue this new attraction with eyes open.

Key points and main takeaways

• Savor the crush: Perel encourages noticing and enjoying the feeling as a sign of regeneration after loss rather than rushing to act.
• Distinguish grief/rebound from genuine desire: Ask whether the crush is a grief reaction or reflective of real attraction and compatibility.
• Slow the process down—let it “ripen”: Rather than plunging into a relationship or shutting down, allow the connection to mature gradually.
• Use your social network as a reality check: Because you share a workplace and mutual acquaintances, consult trusted colleagues/friends to gather context on his behavior and reputation.
• Balance two internal voices: Create a “stereophonic” dialogue between the excited/romantic part and the cautious/analytic part so neither dominates.
• Be attentive to red flags while acknowledging positive traits: Competitiveness, offhand politically incorrect comments, or cringeworthy jokes deserve attention, but don’t automatically turn attraction into denial.

Topics discussed

• Caller’s immediate dilemma: newly divorced and attracted to a coworker on the same team.
• Practical complications: workplace dynamics, shared social circles (or lack thereof), fear of awkwardness if things fail.
• Relationship history: prior abusive relationships (one partner with bipolar episodes and violence; another who became possessive and destructive), marriage where emotional needs were unmet, multiple separations/attempts to repair.
• How attraction emerged: friendship at work, social outings, dancing together after divorce was finalized—felt mutual but unspoken.
• How to move forward: concrete suggestions for pacing, testing, and gathering information.

Notable quotes and insights (paraphrased)

• “Savor it.” — Treat the return of erotic/romantic energy as a sign of life returning, not something to be instantly fixed or acted upon.
• Let the connection “ripen like a fruit.” — Allow attraction to mature rather than forcing a commitment or extinguishing it through fear.
• Create a “stereophonic system.” — Listen to both the bold, desirous voice and the cautious, analytic voice inside you; let them inform each other.
• Use other radars. — Ask friends and mutual acquaintances for their impressions; collective sensing can help clarify whether something is real or imagined.

Practical steps and recommendations (actionable)

1. Pause and savor: Give yourself permission to feel excited without rushing into decisions or declaring a new relationship.
2. Slow-building strategy:
   • Continue spending time together in group contexts and with mutual friends.
   • Invite some outings that are explicitly “dates” if you want clarity, OR keep meeting as friends and let intimacy develop organically—choose which approach feels safer.
3. Gather context:
   • Talk confidentially to trusted friends (both yours and his) to learn how he behaves in other relationships and social settings.
   • Observe how he treats other people and how consistent his behavior is across situations.
4. Watch for red flags:
   • Note comments that make you uncomfortable (e.g., politically incorrect jokes) and recurring patterns (excessive competitiveness, disrespect).
   • Don’t rewrite or romanticize problematic behavior.
5. Use your internal dialogue:
   • Let the part of you that is cautious ask practical questions (history, values, how he responds to boundaries).
   • Let the part of you that is excited allow imagination and curiosity to continue—both voices can be useful.
6. Resist urgency to “prove” you’ve moved on: You don’t have to rush into a relationship to validate your recovery from divorce.

Who this episode is for

• People navigating attraction shortly after a breakup or divorce.
• Anyone worried about workplace romances and their consequences.
• Listeners who’ve had patterns of rushing into relationships and want strategies to reassess and slow down.

Bottom line

Esther’s core advice is neither to suppress the crush nor to leap into commitment. Instead: acknowledge and enjoy the feeling, gather information, involve trusted others, and consciously slow the development so you can see this person—and yourself—with clearer eyes.