Overview of We Can Do Hard Things with Priya Parker
In this episode of We Can Do Hard Things, Glennon Doyle and Treat Media talk with facilitator and author Priya Parker about her new book, The Art of Fighting: The Transformative Power of Conflict. The conversation reframes conflict as something necessary, relational, and potentially loving when handled well. Rather than equating peace with “never fighting,” Parker argues that many relationships, families, and groups need healthy heat—the ability to face tension without slipping into abuse, avoidance, or rupture.
Main Ideas
“We never fight” is not always a compliment
- Priya shares the story of her grandfather’s funeral, where a minister praised her grandparents for never fighting.
- Her stepmother’s quiet reaction—“oh dear”—pointed to the danger of unhealthy peace:
- avoidance
- lack of trust
- inability to speak honestly
- emotional distance disguised as harmony
- Parker contrasts this with healthy heat: conflict that deepens connection instead of destroying it.
Conflict is often a sign of relational longing
- A central insight of the episode is that people often fight because they still care.
- If there is no longing for the relationship, there may be no reason to engage.
- Parker calls this relational longing: beneath anger, hurt, or frustration is often a desire to stay in relationship, but in a better form.
Groups do not become groups without conflict
- Parker explains that every meaningful group must pass through some kind of “storm.”
- Drawing on group theory, she describes a sequence:
- Form
- Storm
- Norm
- Perform
- Adjourn
- In other words, conflict is not a breakdown of community; it is often what creates clarity about what the group is.
How to Decide Whether a Conflict Is Worth Having
Priya emphasizes discernment: not every conflict should be faced. Before engaging, ask:
- Can I continue to engage meaningfully without facing this?
- Do I care enough about this relationship or group to take it on?
- Do I still have longing for this relationship or group?
- Is this conflict touching a core value of mine?
- Does this group or relationship need to reflect my values for me to stay?
Her point is that conflict should not be automatic. Some situations call for direct confrontation; others call for strategic distance, reflection, or a changed form of relationship.
Key Tools and Concepts
1. Separate unhealthy heat from healthy heat
- Unhealthy heat = domination, abuse, cruelty, insult, power games.
- Healthy heat = honest confrontation with care, humility, and the goal of clarity or repair.
2. Use “ritual asking”
- Parker encourages people to slow down and ask: What is the need here?
- Not: “Who is right?”
- Not: “What do we think?”
- But: “What does this group, family, or relationship actually need right now?”
3. Use observable behaviors
- When naming hurt, describe specific actions rather than character judgments.
- Example:
- Better: “When you yelled at Dad in front of everyone, I felt hurt.”
- Worse: “You mistreat Dad.”
- This makes the conflict clearer and less easily dismissed.
4. Be an “anti-gaslighter”
- If someone says something harmful and others ignore it, the person harmed may feel erased.
- A supportive person can offer a meter check—a clear acknowledgment that what happened was real and not okay.
5. Expand your range of options
- Parker repeatedly returns to the idea that people assume they only have two choices:
- stay silent and disconnect internally
- cut people off completely
- Her work offers a third path: stay in the mess thoughtfully, with boundaries, clarity, and purpose.
Memorable Examples From the Conversation
The naked playdates
- A parent in a co-op notices children running around naked in another family’s home and wonders whether that signals a different set of norms.
- The revealing moment comes when the other parent says: “We are not raising our kids together.”
- The conflict is useful because it clarifies what the relationship actually is—and isn’t.
The pandemic Zoom call among lifelong friends
- A group of women who had been friends for decades hit a political and moral rupture during the pandemic.
- Rather than deciding they all had to stay equally close, they had to ask:
- Which relationships still carried relational longing?
- Which shared values still mattered?
- Which friendships could deepen, and which might become narrower or less central?
- The result: fewer shallow ties, more meaningful ones.
The “Elephant in the Zoom” Slack channel
- An English law firm created a channel for uncomfortable questions.
- A World Cup discussion exposed an important lesson: asking “What do we think?” is often the wrong question.
- Parker argues that leaders should ask: What is the need here?
The taiko drumming circle
- A women’s drumming group wrestled with hierarchy, identity, performance, and leadership.
- Over time, the group’s questions changed.
- Eventually, one member realized the group no longer held the questions of her life.
- A healthy ending is also part of fighting well.
What to Do When Someone Comes to You With Conflict
Priya’s advice for receiving criticism or confrontation:
- Notice your body first:
- racing heart
- dry mouth
- shame
- defensiveness
- Pause before reacting.
- Breathe.
- Try to say:
- “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”
- Even if you disagree, recognize that the person may be making a risky attempt at repair or honesty.
Family, Ritual, and the Need for Shared Norms
A major theme of the episode is that families and communities need rituals and explicit agreements, not just good intentions.
Why ritual matters
- Parker argues that the U.S. has become a “ritual-less country” in many ways.
- People are desperate for shared rules, but instead of making them, they often buy a sign that says “live, laugh, love.”
- Real rituals create:
- belonging
- identity
- safety
- continuity across generations
The family example
- In families, conflict often centers on who the family is becoming.
- Younger generations may challenge harmful norms not to destroy the family, but to evolve it.
- Conflict can become a way to protect the future.
Takeaways
- Fighting well is a skill, not a personality trait.
- Avoidance is not the same as peace.
- Conflict can be an expression of care, longing, and belonging.
- Before confronting, slow down and ask what the real need is.
- Healthy relationships often require shared willingness to wrestle with hard truths.
- The goal is not to fight more—it is to fight better, more honestly, and with more love.
Final Message
Priya Parker’s core invitation is to stop treating conflict as failure. When handled with discernment and care, conflict can clarify values, deepen belonging, and make relationships more honest. The episode argues that if we want community, family, and intimacy, we must learn how to hold heat without burning the whole house down.