Overview of Do You Ever Feel Like a Total Loser?
In this episode of We Can Do Hard Things, Glennon Doyle, Amanda Doyle, and Abby Wambach talk candidly about feeling like a “loser,” why that feeling often shows up during life transitions or comparison spirals, and how their default coping strategies can mask deeper emotions like fear, sadness, loneliness, and shame. The conversation moves from emotional regulation and self-awareness to competition, family roles, and relationship dynamics—especially the tension between being the “chooser” and the “follower.”
Main Themes and Takeaways
Feelings vs. stories
- Amanda describes learning that her reactive states—especially anger—often cover a more vulnerable feeling underneath.
- The group emphasizes that:
- feelings are bodily experiences
- stories and analysis can amplify them
- a true feeling, when actually felt, tends to pass in about 90 seconds
- Amanda shares a practical tool: when overwhelmed, she lies down, closes her eyes, and repeats “no words, no words, no words” to stop herself from turning the feeling into a story spiral.
Protective patterns: anger, food, fawning, control
- Each host identifies a different survival response:
- Amanda: anger as a safer expression than fear or sadness
- Glennon: food/overriding emotions
- Abby: fawning and people-pleasing, then resentment
- Their point is that these are not character flaws; they are learned methods of staying safe.
“Loser” feelings often come from comparison and staleness
- Abby admits feeling like a loser when life becomes repetitive, too home-bound, or disconnected from joy.
- Glennon notes that social media can intensify this by making everyone else’s occasional outings look like constant, exciting living.
- The antidote they suggest is not perfection, but inserting novelty, movement, and joy:
- go somewhere
- leave the house
- try a new experience
- reintroduce life-force activities
Competition can be survival-based
- A listener asks Abby whether she is still competitive after retiring from soccer.
- Abby says her competitiveness once felt like a survival technique, not just a personality trait.
- She explains that she can still enjoy competition, but her worth is no longer tied to winning.
- A key insight: too much competitiveness can create tunnel vision, making it harder to see creative alternatives or collaborative solutions.
Relationships: chooser vs. follower
- The hosts explore how couples can fall into a dynamic where one person becomes the “chooser” and the other the “follower.”
- This can lead to:
- one partner controlling decisions to avoid disappointment
- the other suppressing their own preferences
- resentment and loss of self-trust
- They emphasize that both partners need room to lead, surprise, and be surprised.
Control can block love and magic
- Glennon reflects that over-controlling life in order to prevent disappointment can actually prevent joy.
- She describes the relief of things she did not plan—her marriage, her children, her sister, her life—arguing that some of life’s best gifts come from outside our own choreography.
- Her core point: if you control everything, you may also block love from arriving in unexpected forms.
Notable Insights
- “The soccer part of me died.” — Abby on how competition changed after she left elite sports.
- “Feelings are not for solving.” — The group’s central argument about emotional processing.
- Comparison is still a major thief of joy. Seeing others out living can make ordinary life feel like failure.
- Leadership should include room for surprise. The person who usually leads also needs to let someone else choose sometimes.
- People keep growing, or they stop connecting. The episode ends with a broader reflection that staying emotionally alive requires continued effort, especially in relationships.
Practical Takeaways
- When you feel reactive, ask: What am I actually feeling underneath this?
- Try to notice the body sensation before the story begins.
- If you’re stuck in a rut, add one small piece of novelty:
- go out
- take a walk
- attend an event
- make a date
- do something that changes your environment
- In relationships, practice:
- sharing decision-making
- tolerating surprise
- letting your partner’s choice stand without immediate correction
- Be cautious about using social media as evidence of how much “living” other people are doing.
Overall Message
The episode argues that many feelings of failure, laziness, or being a “loser” are actually signs of disconnection—from the body, from joy, from novelty, or from self-trust. Healing starts with noticing the feeling, letting it pass, and making room for a fuller, less controlled life.