Overview of Can’t Sleep? 4 Strategies to End The Suffering | Leah Corkum & Marlee Boyle
This episode of We Can Do Hard Things is a candid, validating conversation about insomnia, perimenopause-related sleep disruption, anxiety-driven wakefulness, and the shame many people carry around not sleeping. Glennon Doyle shares her severe insomnia experience, while sleep experts Leah Corkum and Marlee Boyle of SleepWorks explain why chronic sleeplessness happens and offer four practical, evidence-based strategies rooted in CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia). The big message: insomnia is a sleep disorder, not a personal failure—and it can be treated.
Why So Many People Can’t Sleep
The conversation centers on the idea that sleeplessness is both widespread and deeply isolating, especially for women.
- Women are especially vulnerable because of:
- hormonal changes, including perimenopause
- the mental load and caregiving expectations
- constant pressure to prioritize others before self-care
- Sleep problems are often normalized instead of treated:
- many women assume they just “have to live with it”
- insomnia is frequently undertreated or never addressed with the right care
- The hosts emphasize that chronic sleeplessness affects:
- mental health
- mood and irritability
- relationships
- work performance
- physical health and judgment
A major theme is that the problem is not just “being tired.” Chronic insomnia can feel like being “tired but wired,” with a nervous system stuck in alarm mode.
The 4 Core Strategies for Better Sleep
1. Replace scary sleep thoughts with realistic sleep thoughts
The episode strongly emphasizes that sleep anxiety fuels insomnia.
- The brain/body loop works like this:
- scary thoughts about sleep trigger a stress response
- stress and hypervigilance make sleep less likely
- this creates a self-fulfilling cycle
- CBT-I helps people identify and challenge catastrophic sleep thoughts
- The goal is not fake positivity or spiritual bypassing
- Instead, use fact-based, calming thoughts such as:
- “I have survived every sleepless night so far.”
- “If I don’t sleep well tonight, I will still make it through tomorrow.”
- “I probably slept more than I think I did.”
- “My body knows how to sleep.”
This is about reducing pressure and calming the nervous system, not pretending everything is fine.
2. Use the “20/20 rule” for stimulus control
If you’re awake and anxious in bed, don’t keep training your brain to associate bed with worry.
- If you’re not asleep after roughly 20 minutes:
- get out of bed
- do something boring and low-stimulation
- return to bed when sleepy again
- The purpose is to re-train your brain:
- bed = sleep
- not bed = worry, rumination, or alertness
- Avoid checking the clock, because clock-watching increases panic
- Use the bed only for:
- sleep
- intimacy
- Avoid using bed for:
- work
- snacking
- stressful conversations
- TV if possible during the sleep-retraining phase
The hosts stress that this is a process, not a quick fix.
3. Build up sleep pressure by shortening your sleep window
One of the most counterintuitive but effective CBT-I tools is increasing sleep drive by limiting time in bed.
- Sleep pressure builds the longer you are awake
- Many people with insomnia go to bed too early to “catch” sleep
- That often backfires because it creates more time awake in bed
- CBT-I may involve:
- waking up at the same time every day
- delaying bedtime
- temporarily narrowing the time spent in bed
- This improves “sleep efficiency”:
- the goal is to spend a higher percentage of time in bed actually sleeping
- Over time, the sleep window can be gradually expanded again once sleep becomes more efficient
The hosts describe this as tough at first, but very effective over time.
4. Support your circadian rhythm with darkness and amber glasses
The episode closes its strategy section with a practical way to signal nighttime to the body.
- Light is one of the biggest drivers of the body’s circadian rhythm
- In modern life, artificial light delays melatonin production
- Amber-lens glasses can help filter out blue/artificial light in the evening
- They are recommended roughly 1–3 hours before bed
- The point is to help the body start its natural wind-down process
This is presented as a realistic tool, not a magic fix.
Key Sleep Science Explained
The four stages of sleep
Leah and Marlee briefly walk through sleep architecture:
- Stage 1: very light sleep; easy to wake from; often feels like you were “just lying there”
- Stage 2: light sleep, but actual sleep; about half of total sleep time
- Stage 3: deep sleep; major physical repair and restoration happen here
- REM sleep: dreaming, emotional regulation, memory, and cognitive processing
They explain that chronic sleep deprivation can shift the brain to prioritize deep sleep and REM, which is part of the body’s survival response.
Sedated sleep is not the same as natural sleep
The discussion makes a clear distinction between being sedated and sleeping naturally.
- Sleep medications and THC may reduce distress and help people get through the night
- But sedated sleep does not fully replicate normal sleep architecture
- Natural sleep allows the brain to cycle through its necessary stages
- The experts are not anti-medication, but they emphasize:
- medications are often best as short-term tools
- chronic insomnia needs focused treatment, not only sedation
Sleep trackers and wearables can worsen anxiety
The hosts strongly caution against relying on sleep-tracking devices.
- Wearables are not accurate enough to measure sleep stages reliably
- They often misread wakefulness, movement, or restlessness
- They can create “orthosomnia”:
- obsessive tracking that increases sleep anxiety
- If a tracker makes you more anxious, it may be doing more harm than good
Melatonin is misunderstood
Melatonin is framed less as a sleeping pill and more as a circadian clock signal.
- It’s a hormone your body makes naturally in darkness
- It can help with timing and rhythm, not necessarily chronic insomnia
- It’s often taken at the wrong time or in too high a dose
- It may cause grogginess if used like a knockout aid
What It’s Like to Work With SleepWorks
The episode also explains the structure of treatment with Leah and Marlee.
- Their programs are usually:
- virtual
- structured
- highly supportive
- Glennon describes working with Leah as:
- weekly sessions
- sleep diary tracking
- direct coaching
- emotional support throughout the process
- They often work in small groups, which helps reduce isolation
- They also offer follow-up support so people aren’t left alone between sessions
A key takeaway is that insomnia treatment works best when people feel supported, not shamed.
Main Takeaways
- Chronic insomnia is a sleep disorder, not a character flaw.
- Women are especially affected because of hormones, stress, and the mental load.
- CBT-I is presented as the most effective treatment for chronic insomnia.
- The four main tools discussed are:
- realistic sleep thoughts
- the 20/20 rule
- building sleep pressure
- using amber glasses to support darkness and melatonin
- Sleep trackers can worsen anxiety and are often misleading.
- Sleep medication and THC may help short-term, but they don’t replace natural sleep architecture.
- Partner support matters, especially when insomnia affects co-sleeping relationships.
Practical Action Items
If you’re struggling with sleep, the episode suggests:
- stop measuring yourself by perfect sleep
- notice catastrophic sleep thoughts and replace them with realistic ones
- get out of bed when anxiety takes over
- avoid clock-checking and sleep tracking if they increase stress
- keep a consistent wake time
- consider CBT-I or a sleep-focused provider
- involve your partner if sleep is affecting the relationship
- use light management in the evening to help your body wind down
The overall message is hopeful: sleep can be retrained, and people do get better.