Overview of The Secret to Surviving Criticism
In this “best of” episode of We Can Do Hard Things, Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach break down how to survive criticism without shrinking, disappearing, or silencing yourself. The core idea is simple but freeing: not all feedback is meant for you. Some of it is useful, much of it is gendered or cruel, and some of it should be thrown out immediately. Their central metaphor is the “sort your mail” system—learning to separate junk mail from the small amount of criticism that can actually help you grow.
The Core Framework: “Sort Your Mail”
Glennon describes criticism as mail that arrives after you put yourself or your work “out into the world.” The goal is not to absorb everything, but to sort it before bringing anything inside.
Categories to throw out immediately
- Appearance-based criticism: comments about looks, body, clothes, hair, makeup, aging, etc.
- Relationship-based criticism: attacks on your marriage, parenting, or family life from people not in those relationships.
- Personality-based criticism: labels like “too much,” “crazy,” “controlling,” or “difficult,” especially when used to dismiss a woman.
- Gendered criticism of your work: feedback that isn’t really about the work, but about whether a woman has the right to speak at all.
- Cruel or malicious feedback: anything delivered with snark, contempt, or hate should be rejected outright.
What Makes Criticism Worth Considering
The conversation emphasizes that only a very small percentage of criticism deserves to be taken seriously.
Green flags for useful criticism
- It is specific to your work or behavior, not your identity.
- It comes from someone who knows you, respects you, or is in relationship with you.
- It is delivered with clarity, decency, and some level of respect.
- It is offered to help you stand up better, not to knock you down.
- It points to a real blind spot or harm you may have caused.
A simple test
Ask:
- Is this about my work, or is it about me as a woman?
- Is it gendered?
- Is this person speaking from care, or from malice?
- Could I ever make this right without abandoning myself?
The Gendered Reality of Criticism
A major theme is that women are policed differently than men.
- When men put work into the world, people judge the work.
- When women put work into the world, people often judge the woman.
- Women are criticized for:
- how they look
- how they speak
- how direct they are
- how ambitious they are
- how much money they make
- whether they are “nice” enough
Glennon argues that this is not random—it’s a cultural system that discourages women from using their voices by making it feel dangerous.
Safety, Shame, and the Primal Fear Response
The episode also explores why criticism can feel so overwhelming.
- Criticism often lands in the body as a safety threat, not just an ego hit.
- It can trigger a primal fear of being rejected, exposed, or “picked off” from the herd.
- For women especially, criticism can feel like a warning to retreat, be smaller, and stop speaking.
The hosts stress that this feeling is real, but it does not mean the criticism is true.
The “You Can’t Win” Problem
One of the episode’s strongest points is that women often cannot satisfy the rules critics impose on them.
- Too loud = aggressive
- Too quiet = weak
- Too ambitious = greedy
- Too soft = ineffective
- Too direct = rude
- Too careful = not leadership material
Their conclusion: if your goal is to never be criticized, the only path is to do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.
Best Insights and Takeaways
“Clear is kind.”
Directness is not cruelty. Honest communication, when respectful, is often the kindest thing.
“Bless and block.”
If someone is cruel online, don’t debate them. Don’t try to win them over. Protect your energy and move on.
Support networks vs. challenge networks
Inspired by Adam Grant:
- Support network = people who are there for you
- Challenge network = people who tell you the truth, even when it’s hard
Both are necessary.
Growth comes from the right criticism
The most meaningful criticism is often painful, but it is also:
- direct
- caring
- specific
- accountable
- tied to actual harm or blind spots
Bottom Line
The episode argues that women should not confuse misogyny, cruelty, or social policing with honest feedback. Most criticism should be sorted out and discarded. The small amount that remains should be received from people who are trustworthy, respectful, and invested in your growth.
The ultimate message: you will be criticized if you show up fully. The answer is not to disappear—it is to learn what to ignore, what to keep, and how to keep going anyway.