Overview of (BEST OF) The Financial Advice We Never Get | Tori Dunlap
This episode is a conversation about the emotional, cultural, and political stories women inherit about money—and how those stories keep people ashamed, underpaid, and stuck. Tori Dunlap argues that money is not mainly about greed or math; it’s about freedom, agency, and options. The discussion focuses on how money shame starts early, how patriarchy shapes women’s beliefs about spending and wealth, and what practical steps can help people build a healthier relationship with money.
Main Themes
Money is emotional, not just practical
- Tori emphasizes that financial struggles are often rooted in shame, fear, avoidance, and inherited beliefs.
- She compares money avoidance to other patterns people know well:
- staying in a bad relationship
- avoiding exercise despite knowing it would help
- The core idea: practical advice won’t stick until the emotional barrier is addressed.
Women are conditioned to be selfless, not wealthy
- Girls are often raised with toys and expectations that center caregiving, while boys are encouraged to build, take risks, and create.
- This early conditioning teaches women that:
- their value is in giving, not gaining
- wanting money can seem selfish or “unfeminine”
- Tori argues that patriarchy uses this conditioning to keep women manageable, apologetic, and small.
Money equals freedom, not status
- Tori repeatedly reframes money as a tool for:
- leaving unsafe relationships
- funding therapy and rest
- supporting causes
- traveling, building businesses, and creating generational security
- Her central message: women having more money is not a problem; it increases freedom and power.
Shame keeps people from learning
- The conversation highlights how many people believe they are either “good with money” or “bad with money” by nature.
- Tori pushes back: money is a skill, like learning an instrument or a language.
- Shame blocks learning, and avoidance leads to more shame.
Money Imprints and Childhood Stories
Early memories shape adult beliefs
- Tori explains that money beliefs are often formed very young—around age seven—and then carried into adulthood unless actively changed.
- The group shares childhood money memories to show how meaning gets attached to money:
- money as love and care
- money as safety and power
- money as control and structure
- money as scarcity or risk
The point of the exercise
- By identifying the first memory or feeling tied to money, people can start to see where their current habits and fears came from.
- This helps separate truth from conditioning.
Why Budgeting Advice for Women Often Fails
The double standard in spending
- Women are often blamed for “frivolous” spending on:
- coffee
- manicures
- Taylor Swift tickets
- small comforts
- Men’s spending, by contrast, is framed as normal or strategic:
- sports tickets
- golf
- tools
- investing and business growth
Deprivation is bad advice
- Tori argues that telling women to simply “spend less” is ineffective and joy-killing.
- You cannot frugality your way out of a structural problem if earnings are too low.
- A deprivation-only model often leads to:
- resentment
- rebound spending
- burnout
- disconnection from joy
The Role of Systems, Not Just Personal Choices
It’s not all in your control
- Tori stresses that money outcomes are shaped by both:
- personal choices
- systemic forces like racism, sexism, ableism, student debt, wage stagnation, and lack of paid leave
- She warns against turning financial struggle into a personal moral failing.
Wealth is not the problem
- The issue is not money itself, but what people do with power.
- Tori distinguishes between:
- exploitative wealth accumulation
- wealth used to support people, communities, and liberation
Practical Advice Tori Gives
1. “Un-ostrich” yourself
- Look at your finances directly.
- Don’t avoid the numbers.
- Make it a ritual instead of a punishment:
- schedule a money date
- review accounts with intention
- treat it like facing a monster you can finally see
2. Define your values and spending categories
- Identify your top three value categories—the areas that bring you the most joy.
- Spend intentionally there instead of on things that don’t matter to you.
- This reduces guilt because spending aligns with values, not impulse.
3. Automate savings
- Set up automatic transfers from checking to savings.
- Start small if needed.
- The goal is to “pay yourself first” and build momentum without relying on willpower.
Key Takeaways
- Money is about agency: it gives you options, not just possessions.
- Shame is the enemy: it keeps people from learning and acting.
- Women are not too emotional for money—they’re often more emotionally aware than they realize.
- The goal is not wealth for its own sake but safety, freedom, and self-respect.
- Nothing bad happens when women have more money—in fact, they often become more generous, more empowered, and more able to care for themselves and others.
Notable Insights
Tori Dunlap’s core reframing
- “The goal isn’t wealth for wealth’s sake. The goal is freedom.”
- “Money owning you” is the opposite of financial health.
- “Nothing bad happens when women have more money.”
A powerful distinction
- Self-care is not the same as self-soothing.
- Self-care includes difficult but effective actions like:
- looking at your money
- saving
- going to therapy
- making choices that support your future
Final Takeaway
This conversation argues that financial wellness begins when women stop apologizing for wanting more. Money is not a moral test—it’s a tool. And when women learn to use it without shame, they gain the freedom to protect themselves, build lives they love, and support the people and causes that matter most.