Overview of (BEST OF) Kerry Washington’s Family Secret
This episode of We Can Do Hard Things features Glennon Doyle and Kerry Washington in a deeply personal conversation about family secrets, self-trust, and the emotional cost of pretending everything is “fine.” Kerry reflects on growing up in a loving but emotionally distant household, learning to suppress her own instincts, and later discovering a long-held family secret that reframed her entire childhood. The conversation becomes a powerful meditation on truth-telling, belonging, embodiment, and the freedom that comes from finally choosing your own life.
Main Themes and Takeaways
Family secrets shape self-trust
- Kerry describes growing up with a persistent sense that something was “off,” even though adults insisted everything was fine.
- That mismatch between what she felt and what she was told led her to doubt herself early in life.
- The episode suggests that when children are taught to ignore their own perceptions, they can lose trust in their inner knowing for years.
Protection can become deception
- Kerry and Glennon explore the difference between shielding children from pain and hiding the truth from them.
- Kerry explains that she once thought withholding the truth from her family was an act of love and protection.
- The conversation highlights how “protecting” others by avoiding hard truths can actually create more distance and confusion.
Truth can deepen love, not destroy it
- When Kerry’s family finally tells her the secret, she experiences both clarity and relief.
- Rather than breaking the family apart, the truth creates a more honest and intimate connection.
- A central insight of the episode: truth and love are not opposites; often, truth is what makes real love possible.
Becoming the lead character in your own life
- Kerry reflects on how much of her life she spent as a supporting character in other people’s stories.
- She connects that experience to how women are often socialized to stay small, selfless, and accommodating.
- Her breakthrough was realizing that choosing herself was not betrayal—it was necessary for wholeness.
Embodiment and acting as a pathway back to self
- Kerry says acting helped her practice being fully present in her body before she could do that as herself.
- Through roles, she accessed emotions and expressions she didn’t yet feel free to embody in her own life.
- The conversation frames embodiment as a return to self after dissociation, gaslighting, or emotional suppression.
Notable Insights
On childhood and emotional distance
- Kerry describes her parents as loving but not fully emotionally available because of secrets and tension in the home.
- She says she felt like there was always “something missing,” even when things looked perfect from the outside.
- Her childhood experience is presented as a common one: many children sense the truth before adults acknowledge it.
On parenting differently
- Kerry says she tries to be more honest and age-appropriate with her own children.
- She emphasizes creating a home where questions are welcomed and uncomfortable feelings can be named.
- A key parenting principle she shares: when children say something hurt them, the goal should be to listen rather than shut them down.
On doing hard things
- The episode repeatedly returns to the idea that families often avoid hard conversations because they don’t believe they can survive them.
- Kerry argues that children learn resilience by actually getting to face reality, not by being shielded from it forever.
- A memorable idea from the conversation: feeling guilty or uncomfortable can sometimes be a sign that you’re breaking an old unhealthy pattern.
Practical Takeaways
For personal healing
- Pay attention to the places where you still feel “an itch” that something isn’t right.
- Ask whether your uncertainty is intuition or something you were taught to ignore.
- Consider where secrecy, people-pleasing, or emotional distance may still be shaping your relationships.
For parenting and relationships
- Build a culture where questions are safe.
- Tell the truth in age-appropriate ways instead of defaulting to “everything is fine.”
- Allow other people—especially children—to express discomfort without immediately correcting or defending.
For returning to yourself
- Kerry’s grounding practices include:
- walking
- prayer and meditation
- breathing
- hydration
- massage/bodywork
- She frames bodywork as an “amends” to her body after years of disconnection and self-protection.
Final Thought
The heart of this episode is that truth does not have to mean rupture. Kerry Washington shows that bringing a hidden family story into the light can free everyone involved—painfully, imperfectly, and powerfully. The result is not just honesty, but a fuller kind of love, and a clearer path back to the self.