Overview of BEST OF) Esther Perel: Protecting Your Relationships During Chaos
In this revisited conversation on We Can Do Hard Things, Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Esther Perel explore how collective chaos, fear, grief, and uncertainty spill into our closest relationships. Perel argues that what many people are experiencing right now is not simply “relationship dysfunction,” but a global stress response that accelerates existing tensions, collapses boundaries between roles, and makes it harder to feel safe, desired, or connected. The episode focuses on how to protect intimacy, restore aliveness, and fight in ways that preserve love instead of eroding it.
Main themes and insights
Chaos does not create every problem — it accelerates them
Perel says crises act like accelerators in relationships, work, parenting, and identity. When the world feels unstable, people start asking:
- What am I waiting for?
- What really matters?
- Where is my support?
- Is this relationship, job, or life still working for me?
She emphasizes that the pressure people feel is often a normal response to abnormal conditions, not a sign that something is inherently wrong with them.
“Being right” is easy; staying connected is the hard part
A major thread of the conversation is the difference between winning an argument and preserving the relationship. Perel notes that many fights are really about:
- power and control
- care and closeness
- respect and recognition
Glennon and Abby reflect on how their arguments often center on wanting to be understood, not wanting to be “crazy,” and fearing abandonment. Perel’s core point: the issue is usually not the surface topic, but the emotional meaning underneath it.
Trauma isolates; healing happens through connection
Perel explains that trauma severs the social thread. People feel ashamed, alone, and unable to fully re-enter life. What helps people recover is not only revisiting pain, but reconnecting with others in meaningful ways:
- singing, praying, or mourning together
- telling stories
- cooking, eating, or sitting quietly together
- being witnessed without having to explain everything
She frames healing as a return to connection, dignity, and shared humanity.
Aliveness matters as much as safety
One of the most memorable ideas in the episode is Perel’s distinction between:
- safety/stability: the side of relationships that manages life, routines, and logistics
- aliveness/erotic energy: curiosity, novelty, play, creativity, mystery, and desire
She argues that relationships can become efficient but dead if they only focus on getting through the day. The “erotic” in her broader sense is about vitality — feeling present, interested, and alive with yourself and your partner.
Desire requires self-worth and permission
Perel says desire often disappears when people are exhausted, self-critical, overburdened, or in constant caretaking mode. To awaken desire, people need to reconnect with their own pleasure and worthiness first.
Her advice is not to wait until everything is finished. Instead:
- take the coffee break
- sit down
- read for 10 minutes
- do something that restores you
- give yourself permission to exist as more than a caretaker
Play and imagination can revive a relationship
Perel encourages couples to create moments of surprise and play, even in confinement:
- write a playful note to your partner
- “go out” for dinner at home
- pretend to meet each other for the first time
- intentionally step outside routine
These acts are not about forcing sex; they are about reintroducing curiosity, laughter, and energy.
Practical takeaways
Helpful conflict habits
- Focus on the tone and structure of conflict, not just the content.
- Avoid absolute language like “you always” and “you never.”
- Pause if emotions are too hot; not every issue should be resolved in the moment.
- It is okay to go to bed angry and return to the conversation when both people are calmer.
- Assume your partner may mean something different than you do; relationship skill is partly learning each other’s language.
Ways to bring more life back into a relationship
- Protect small pockets of personal time and self-care.
- Reconnect with pleasure through music, movement, art, walks, or quiet.
- Make room for novelty and spontaneity.
- Treat desire as a practice, not just a feeling.
- Remember that intimacy is not only duty, caretaking, or efficiency — it also needs play, risk, and mystery.
Key takeaway
The episode’s central message is that surviving hard times is not enough. Relationships need both stability and aliveness. Esther Perel’s advice is to stop pathologizing the strain, reconnect with your own vitality, and learn to fight in ways that keep closeness intact. In a world full of uncertainty, intimacy is less about perfection and more about staying soft, curious, and connected.