Overview of How to date IRL from Vox
This episode of Vox’s Explain It To Me looks at why so many people are frustrated with dating apps and whether a shift toward meeting people “in real life” is actually happening. Host John Glyn Hill explores the current “romance slump” with Vox writer Faith Hill and dating coach Lily Womble, mixing in street interviews from a singles event and data on declining marriage, cohabitation, and committed relationships. The core message: dating is harder now for structural, emotional, and cultural reasons — but people still deeply want connection, and there are concrete ways to build it offline.
What the episode says is going wrong with dating
Dating apps feel exhausting and dehumanizing
- Many singles describe app dating as depressing, superficial, and demoralizing.
- People say apps create:
- burnout from endless swiping
- low engagement and ghosting
- a sense of scarcity and settling
- too much time spent for too little payoff
- Some listeners and interviewees said they have better luck in person, especially in bars, clubs, events, or social circles.
Romance is in a broader slump, not just apps
Faith Hill argues that the problem goes beyond Tinder/Hinge/etc.:
- Marriage rates have been declining for years.
- Fewer young adults are entering committed relationships.
- People are having less sex.
- More single adults report never having been in a committed relationship.
The problem crosses gender and sexuality
- The episode emphasizes that app fatigue affects straight and queer people alike.
- For straight daters, there’s also added tension between men and women, which can make dating feel even more fraught.
Why dating feels so hard right now
Lower trust and higher fear of rejection
- The episode points to declining interpersonal trust and low optimism about other people.
- Gen Z, in particular, is described as more cautious, slower to trust, and more afraid of rejection.
- But romance inherently requires risk, making it especially hard in a low-trust environment.
Life is unstable and expensive
- Unpredictable work schedules, money stress, and general insecurity make it harder to prioritize dating.
- For many people, romance gets pushed aside in favor of more immediate practical concerns.
The apps are structurally designed to keep you there
Lily Womble argues that:
- dating apps are incentivized to keep users engaged, not necessarily to help them leave happily partnered
- endless choice creates cognitive overload
- people end up making suboptimal choices because they’re overwhelmed and tired
The advice: how to date IRL
Lily Womble offers a three-part framework for meeting people offline:
1) Joy building
- Go do things you genuinely enjoy in your city or town.
- The point is not just dating — it’s making friends, expanding your social world, and creating repeated points of contact.
- Example: joining an improv class, quilting night, or other community activity can lead indirectly to meeting a partner.
2) Co-conspiratorship
- Ask friends to actively help you date.
- Be specific about the kind of person you want and the kinds of questions you’d like them to ask on your behalf.
- Treat your social network like a matchmaking resource, not just a support system.
3) Flirting as a skill
- Flirting is presented as learnable, not innate.
- Womble defines it as:
- approaching someone
- asking a genuine question
- seeing whether they want to continue the conversation
- She encourages small “courage reps,” like:
- making eye contact
- saying hi
- asking someone out briefly
- starting with low-stakes actions and building tolerance over time
Practical mindset shifts
Build a rejection resilience plan
- Expect discomfort and plan for it.
- If someone isn’t interested, that doesn’t mean you did something wrong or that you’re unlovable.
- The goal is to normalize rejection as part of the process, not proof of failure.
Don’t overfunction in early dating
- Womble warns against doing all the work: planning, confirming, texting, and carrying the whole interaction.
- A healthy relationship should be co-created, not built out of scarcity or desperation.
Date for agency, not just for “the one”
- If you want to date but aren’t sure you want a long-term relationship, the episode suggests framing dating as:
- exploration
- pleasure
- self-knowledge
- boundary-setting
- Dating can be about learning what you want and what you don’t want, even if it doesn’t lead immediately to partnership.
Data points and notable insights
- In 2022, the share of 25–34-year-olds in marriages or cohabiting partnerships fell sharply compared with 1980.
- In 2019, 42% of single adults under 40 told Pew they had never been in a committed relationship.
- Despite this, surveys still show that most people want marriage or partnership.
- The episode’s central tension: people want love, but modern life makes pursuing it feel costly, risky, and exhausting.
Bottom line
The episode argues that dating isn’t “broken” in a simple way — it’s shaped by app fatigue, social mistrust, economic stress, and changing norms. Still, if you want connection, the most promising path may be to stop optimizing for apps and start building a fuller social life: do things you enjoy, recruit friends, and practice small acts of courage in person.