Overview of Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Person (And How to Finally Stop) with Faith Jenkins
In this conversation, Lewis Howes speaks with judge, relationship expert, and author Faith Jenkins about why people often repeat unhealthy relationship patterns, how to recognize red flags earlier, and why emotional maturity matters more than chemistry alone. Faith shares lessons from her work in divorce court, her own dating history, and the intentional process that led her to wait until age 42 to marry. The core message: don’t settle, do the inner work, and choose partners based on character, compatibility, and commitment to growth.
Main Themes and Key Takeaways
1. The right relationship starts with knowing yourself
Faith emphasizes that many bad relationship decisions come from not fully understanding your own values, needs, and non-negotiables.
- In your 20s, a major priority should be self-discovery.
- Once you know yourself better, you can spot incompatibility faster.
- Healthy relationships are not “found” by accident; they’re built by two healthy people.
2. Timing matters, but pressure shouldn’t drive decisions
Faith married at 42 and says she was repeatedly asked why she wasn’t married sooner. Her response: timing was right for her life.
- Society often treats marriage like a milestone race.
- Faith argues life is not a race and everyone’s path is different.
- Being single is not a waiting room for “real life.”
3. Red flags are often visible in small behaviors
She warns that subtle lies and inconsistency are often more revealing than dramatic betrayal.
Examples she gave:
- Someone says they are vegan but is caught eating meat.
- Public social media behavior that reflects poor judgment or values you don’t align with.
- Words and actions that don’t match.
Her advice: don’t ignore “small” signs, because they often predict bigger issues later.
4. Emotional maturity is essential during breakups
Faith describes early breakups where she acted out of hurt and curiosity, even investigating her boyfriend’s apartment like a detective. Over time, she learned:
- Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
- You don’t need to destroy someone just because a relationship ends.
- Radical acceptance helps you move through endings with more peace.
A key idea from her:
“You learn a lot about someone after a breakup.”
5. You cannot build a healthy relationship from cynicism
After betrayal and heartbreak, she became cynical at times—but realized that protecting herself through cynicism actually blocked love.
- You can’t be cynical about love and attract healthy love at the same time.
- Healing requires letting the past stay in the past.
- Don’t make a new partner pay for what someone else did.
6. Commitment is a decision, not just a feeling
Faith makes a strong distinction between fleeting emotion and lasting commitment.
- Love is not just what you feel; it’s what you choose.
- Marriage requires a “commitment to the same commitment.”
- Feelings fluctuate, but shared commitment and values keep a relationship steady.
7. Compatibility includes growth
She says compatibility isn’t just about where you are now—it’s about whether both people want to keep growing.
Questions she encourages couples to ask:
- How do you handle conflict?
- How do you communicate?
- How do you want to be loved?
- What are your life goals and vision for the future?
- Have you done the healing work from previous relationships?
Practical Advice for Dating and Marriage
Before committing, ask better questions
Faith strongly recommends pre-engagement and premarital counseling to reduce unknowns and uncover important topics early.
She identified three major conversations couples should have:
- How have you healed from your past?
- What are your expectations of me as a spouse?
- What are our life goals and long-term visions?
Don’t date potential; date reality
She warns against assuming someone will change after marriage.
- A wedding does not fix bad habits.
- Potential is not the same as present-day character.
- You are dating who someone is now, not who you hope they become.
Look at patterns, not promises
Faith compares relationship evaluation to how the FBI analyzes a subject’s pattern of behavior.
- People may lie with words.
- Patterns reveal the truth.
- History matters, especially around trust, loyalty, and consistency.
Faith’s Personal Lessons from Divorce Court and Her Own Life
Faith’s career exposed her to countless divorces, which taught her that long-term success in marriage depends on:
- Respect
- Emotional maturity
- Consistent effort
- Adaptability through life’s seasons
- Mutual service and sacrifice
She also shared how the pandemic affected her marriage early on:
- She married in March 2020, just before lockdowns.
- The experience gave her and her husband unexpected time together.
- Watching her husband stay calm, encouraging, and supportive during uncertainty confirmed she had chosen well.
Her Three Truths
If she could leave the world only three lessons, Faith said they would be:
-
Choose joy now, not later.
Don’t wait for a milestone to start living happily. -
Closed doors matter as much as open ones.
Rejection and endings can be redirections, not failures. -
Keep walking into rooms that stretch you.
Growth happens when you keep showing up for opportunities, even when you feel unprepared.
Notable Insights
- “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.”
- “You can’t be a cynic about love and expect to attract it at the same time.”
- “Weddings will break the bank, but they will not break bad habits.”
- “You are dating their reality.”
- “Marriage is about being committed to the same commitment.”
Final Takeaway
Faith Jenkins’ message is clear: stop settling for relationships that don’t align with your values, and stop waiting for someone else to make you whole. The healthiest relationships are built when both people have done the inner work, communicate honestly, and choose each other with clarity—not just chemistry.
Book and Resources Mentioned
- Book: Sis, Don’t Settle: How to Stay Smart in Matters of the Heart
- Website: judgefaithjenkins.com
- Social: Judge Faith Jenkins on Instagram and Facebook