Overview of You Need To Be Single. Here's Why. | Lewis Howes
Lewis Howes argues that a deliberate “single season” is not a failure but a strategic, necessary phase for creating healthy, lasting romantic relationships. Drawing from his own history of failed relationships, his healing journey, and his marriage to Martha (now spouse and co-parent), Howes outlines five core benefits of being single and gives practical steps to use that time to build self-awareness, heal trauma, raise standards, and become ready for conscious partnership.
Five reasons to be single (core framework)
1) Being single teaches you who you are without distractions
- Use alone time to clarify values, vision, and what you truly want from life and relationships.
- Avoid confusing chemistry or attraction with compatibility.
- Practice enjoying your own company so you’re ready to “share the silence” with the right partner.
2) Being single heals the wounds you keep bringing into relationships
- Unresolved trauma and attachment wounds get reenacted in new relationships (“you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you”).
- Healing requires space for introspection, therapy, journaling, grief work and other inner work—things that are harder to do while distracting yourself in relationships.
3) Being single builds real (internal) confidence
- Distinguishes confidence that depends on external validation from confidence that comes from within.
- Internal confidence = knowing you’ll be okay whether a relationship stays or ends.
- Being single forces you to meet your own needs and stop seeking constant validation.
4) Being single raises your standards, not your walls
- High standards come from peace with yourself, not fear of being alone.
- When you’re comfortable alone you won’t tolerate red flags or settle; you choose alignment over fleeting chemical highs.
- Lewis and Martha set early standards (e.g., therapy together, agreed boundaries) that helped create durable alignment.
5) Being single prepares you for healthy, lasting love
- The goal is to be ready for the right one: emotionally responsible, self-aware, and able to love without losing identity.
- Healthy love is two whole people choosing to build together, not two halves trying to fill each other’s emptiness.
Practical action items & exercises
- Mirror exercise: speak kindly to yourself—acknowledge growth, boundaries kept, and progress.
- Journal values and vision: write down non-negotiables for values, character, lifestyle, kids, career, money, religion, etc.
- Guided visualization: separately imagine your ideal long-term life, then compare with a partner to assess alignment.
- Therapy and inner work: individual therapy, workshops, journaling, grief processing, and trauma work before or alongside dating.
- Ask the right relational questions: listen for accountability when partners talk about past mistakes (did they learn/take responsibility?).
- Delay commitment: allow time and repeated behavior to reveal character rather than relying on early chemistry.
Notable quotes & succinct insights
- “If you don’t heal your wounds, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”
- “Chemistry does not equal compatibility.”
- “Low standards come from a fear of being alone; high standards come from a peace with yourself.”
- “Confidence is knowing you’ll be okay if they stay and you’ll be okay if they leave.”
- “The love you want later is being built by the work you do on yourself right now.”
Who this episode is for
- People feeling pressured to pair up or who frequently repeat relationship patterns.
- Anyone who wants a conscious, long-term partnership rather than short-term chemistry.
- Listeners willing to do inner work (therapy, journaling, values work) to show up as healthy partners.
Quick summary — what to take away
- Treat singleness as a season for discovery and repair, not as a problem to solve.
- Do the inner work: clarify values, heal attachment wounds, build internal confidence, and set non-negotiables.
- Use standards and accountability (e.g., therapy, honest conversations) to test compatibility early.
- Being ready matters more than being in a relationship—prepare yourself so the next relationship can be lasting and healthy.
If this episode resonated with you: start by listing 5 core values and 3 non-negotiables for a partner, schedule at least one therapy/journaling session, and try the mirror exercise for one week.