Overview of "Former Secret Service Agent Reveals How to Read Anyone" (Lewis Howes)
This episode features a former U.S. Secret Service agent (guest) who explains practical methods for reading people, building trust, detecting deception, and communicating with authority—both in high-stakes interviews/interrogations and everyday situations (dates, jobs, relationships). The conversation blends field anecdotes (polygraphs, ATM scam, working around presidents) with repeatable frameworks you can use immediately.
Key takeaways
- Everyone lies; the most common lie is by omission. People often omit or reshape details rather than fabricating entire stories.
- There is no single “universal tell.” Reading people requires establishing a baseline, watching for deviations, and being patient and curious.
- Elicit stories, not yes/no answers. Storytelling exposes details and values, making truthfulness easier to assess.
- Polygraphs are tools but not magic — the human interviewer (tone, questioning, observation) matters most.
- Trust should be conditional at first. Unconditional trust early is a risk; allow it to grow with evidence.
- Confidence and authority are built by action, decisiveness, and small conversational controls (respectfully).
Practical frameworks and techniques
TED: a starter questioning formula
Use three open prompts in sequence to get people talking and reveal consistency:
- Tell me… (broad prompt)
- Explain… (depth and reasoning)
- Describe… (sensory/detail) Example: “Tell me what you did last night.” → “Explain how that came about.” → “Describe who was there and what you noticed.”
Why it works: It gets people telling stories (beginning, middle, end) and lets you observe mannerisms, pacing, corrections, and detail level.
Build rapport, authority and autonomy
- To establish subtle authority: give polite, decisive instructions (e.g., “Why don’t you use the restroom before we start?”).
- To reduce resistance: grant autonomy choices (e.g., “Where would you like to sit?”). People surrender different types of control depending on how comfortable they feel.
- On dates: don’t assert authority. Focus on listening and open-ended, curiosity-driven prompts.
Gradual narrowing (interview/interrogation)
- Start broad with storytelling prompts; gradually narrow to specifics.
- Avoid direct, confrontational questions early (“Did you kill her?”). Instead, collect admissions that naturally build the narrative.
- Save the direct questions for when you’ve established facts and rapport.
Verbal and nonverbal indicators — what to watch for
Truth indicators
- Spontaneous corrections (“Oh, actually…” while speaking) — often a sign of truthfulness.
- Use of quotes/air-quotes when recounting others’ words — suggests specificity and less cognitive load of fabrication.
- Natural, unscripted detail in a story; beginning–middle–end with emotional touchpoints.
Suspicion indicators
- Big changes from baseline behavior (e.g., someone usually demonstrative suddenly becomes very still).
- Overly emphatic denials (“Absolutely not!”) that differ from how they answered other questions.
- Vague language or overly general responses — liars often keep it vague to reduce cognitive load.
- Excessive ritualized appeals (swearing on God, mom) — could be a red flag unless culturally normal for that person.
Body cues (contextual)
- Reduced movement when lying can occur because maintaining a lie is cognitively taxing.
- Eye contact matters: steady, connected eye contact often builds rapport; abrupt changes or forced staring may signal discomfort.
- Tone, pacing, and voice inflection: changes from the person's baseline are meaningful.
Important: these are indicators, not certainties. Baselines and context are crucial.
Real stories that illustrate principles
- ATM scam suspect: despite ample visual evidence (photo of him in a New York Knicks hat), the suspect calmly denied it — showing how practiced or guilt-free offenders can be convincingly stoic.
- Polygraph anecdotes: the guest admitted lying on his own college financial aid forms, which he later confessed during screening — illustrating the integrity concerns behind polygraph questioning.
- Presidential lessons: Bush Sr.’s handwritten notes (small gestures that build influence) and Obama’s measured voice projection (presence and command) showed how leaders build authority through consistent habits.
Communication dos and don’ts
Do:
- Start conversations with curiosity and open prompts (TED).
- Establish conditional trust; grant autonomy when appropriate.
- Use soft language to preserve relationships when saying “no” (e.g., “Thank you — I’ll think about that” instead of blunt rejection).
- Notice baseline behavior before judging deviations.
- Preserve composure when attacked; listen rather than immediately retaliating.
Don’t:
- Assume universal “tells” (everyone is unique).
- Rush to direct accusations or confrontations early in a conversation.
- Over-touch or use presumptive physical contact—today’s social norms require more caution.
- Use shaming self-talk; internal language matters to confidence.
Actionable checklist (what to practice this week)
- Before conversations, establish a baseline: observe how the person normally speaks and moves for a few minutes.
- Use TED once per important conversation: ask Tell/Explain/Describe and let them talk.
- If you need information, let people tell their story; narrow to specifics later.
- Practice conditional trust in new relationships: give partial access and increase trust as consistent behavior accumulates.
- Replace negative self-talk with commands/actions (e.g., instead of “Don’t be lazy,” say “Put on your shoes and go”).
- Start writing one handwritten note this week (small courtesy demonstrated by Presidents).
Notable quotes & insights
- “The number one way people lie is by omission.”
- “If you want to read someone, get them to tell a story.”
- “Unconditional trust is easy; conditional trust is safer and more work.”
- “Spontaneous corrections are often signs of truth, not deception.”
Final lessons (guest’s “three truths”)
- Do the right thing, even when it’s not popular.
- Make your own decisions.
- Feel as much as possible—fail often because that means you’re trying.
Recommended mindset: be curious, patient, and adaptive—skills for reading people come from practice, not quick tricks.