Overview of A Divorce Lawyer on the Small Things That End Marriages
In this conversation, Lewis Howes speaks with divorce attorney James Sexton about why marriages succeed or fail, framing marriage as a technology: a human-made system designed to solve problems, but one that also creates new ones. Sexton argues that most marriages don’t collapse from one dramatic event, but from small, ignored disconnects that build over time—missed bids for attention, unspoken frustrations, financial secrecy, and losing sexual and emotional intimacy. His core message is practical: if you want a stronger marriage, you need more candor, more curiosity, and more intentional communication.
Main Ideas and Takeaways
Marriage is a “technology,” not just a romantic ideal
- Sexton defines marriage as a tool society created to solve certain problems, but which also brings legal, financial, and emotional consequences.
- He believes people often spend more time planning the wedding than understanding the actual contract they’re signing.
- His view: every relationship should be evaluated by what it solves, what it creates, and whether it still fits your life over time.
Divorce usually starts with small neglect, not one big disaster
- He repeatedly emphasizes that marriages typically fail through “death by a thousand paper cuts.”
- Small acts of care matter: remembering a favorite snack, showing affection, asking questions, or simply paying attention.
- A recurring example in the episode: a woman realized her marriage was over when her husband stopped replacing the granola he always used to buy for her.
Communication is the foundation of staying together
- Sexton says many couples wait too long to have honest conversations.
- He recommends discussing:
- expectations around money
- sex and intimacy
- daily habits and routines
- personal needs and boundaries
- One of his practical tips is the “Hit Send Now” method: write a thoughtful email when something bothers you, instead of waiting until emotions explode in person.
Financial clarity prevents a lot of conflict
- He encourages couples to be explicit about money before marriage:
- how debt is handled
- whether there will be joint and separate accounts
- what each person expects financially
- He argues that many people enter marriage without understanding that their finances become legally intertwined.
Sexual honesty matters more than people admit
- Sexton says sex is a major pillar of intimacy and connection in long-term relationships.
- He believes many affairs happen because of lost connection, not just lust.
- He warns that couples often fall into a “greatest hits” routine sexually—doing only what used to work—without discussing new desires, which can lead to boredom and distance.
Infidelity, finances, and indifference are major divorce drivers
He identifies the three biggest reasons people get divorced as:
- Infidelity
- Financial conflict
- Attrition / indifference
- He notes that the opposite of love is not hate, but not caring anymore.
- Indifference, not anger, is what often signals the relationship is truly in trouble.
Prenups and legal awareness are smart, not cynical
- Sexton strongly supports prenups.
- He argues that if people plan for death with a will, they should also plan for the possibility of divorce.
- His view: having a prenup is a chance to discuss values, expectations, and what fairness would look like if the relationship ended.
Relationship Advice from James Sexton
Before getting married, ask practical questions
He says couples should talk about things like:
- sleep schedules
- cleanliness and household habits
- credit card debt
- sex frequency and expectations
- how conflict should be handled
Before getting married, learn about the legal reality
He suggests:
- every engaged couple should meet with a divorce lawyer once
- couples should talk to married people who are thriving
- couples should also talk to divorced people about what went wrong
To reconnect in a struggling marriage
- Don’t rely on vague advice like “reconnect more.”
- Be specific: ask what your partner actually needs.
- Talk about the conversation process itself—how you’ll raise issues, when, and in what format.
- Pay attention to timing and emotional state before bringing up sensitive topics.
His Personal Perspective on Divorce and Marriage
- Sexton was married for 12 years and divorced while working as a divorce attorney.
- He says the marriage ended respectfully and that he remains close friends with his ex-wife and her new husband.
- He believes not every good person is meant to be your spouse, even if you love them.
- He still believes in marriage, but only if people treat it seriously and realistically.
Three Truths James Sexton Would Leave Behind
- The hard thing and the right thing are usually the same thing.
- It’s all about connection.
- Don’t take life too seriously.
- The best moments often aren’t the obvious milestones—they’re the small, unexpected ones.
Final Definition of Greatness
Sexton defines greatness as diving deeply into what you do and living in a way that fosters connection—to yourself and others. For him, greatness is not about status or performance, but about being fully engaged in the things that make you feel alive.