Overview of My Husband Refuses To Work (It's Been 12 Years)
This Ramsey Network call features a 35-year-old woman asking whether she should take out a HELOC on her paid-off home to invest in real estate with her father, while also dealing with a long-term partner who has not worked for 12 years. The conversation quickly shifts from the investment question to the deeper relationship issue: she is financially carrying the household, living paycheck to paycheck, and enabling a pattern that has gone on for over a decade.
Main Issues Discussed
Financial situation
- She has:
- Two children
- About $45,000 in debt
- A gifted home worth about $400,000
- A nursing job, with support from her father to pursue nurse practitioner school
- She and her partner are still living paycheck to paycheck despite her income and home ownership.
Relationship and work problem
- Her common-law husband/partner has been unemployed for 12 years.
- He previously stayed home during the pandemic to help with online schooling, but the kids have been back in school for years.
- He still refuses to get a traditional job and says he wants to stay home and take care of the house and children.
- She says she has repeatedly asked him to help financially, but he has not changed.
Substance use concern
- The hosts note that his history of substance abuse may not be fully in the past if he is still drinking “once in a while.”
- This is treated as an ongoing concern, not something resolved.
Advice Given
Do not take out a HELOC to invest
- The strongest and clearest advice was not to borrow against the house to invest, even if her father is involved.
- The reasoning:
- Ramsey-style advice strongly discourages borrowing money to invest.
- The home was gifted to her, so risking it for an investment is not wise.
Stop enabling the situation
- The hosts argued that after 12 years, the issue is no longer just his behavior — it is also hers for tolerating it this long.
- They said she now needs to draw a firm line:
- He gets a job and contributes within a short, clear timeline
- Or he leaves
Focus on the children’s example
- They rejected the idea that staying together “for the kids” is automatically best.
- Their point: children should not grow up seeing laziness, dependence, and lack of responsibility modeled as normal adult behavior.
Get professional relational help
- They recommended:
- A marriage counselor or relationship counselor
- Possibly a pastor or trusted professional
- They advised against relying only on the podcast or her father for relational guidance.
Key Takeaways
- Do not use home equity to invest, especially when the house is paid off and gifted.
- A 12-year pattern is unlikely to change suddenly without major consequences.
- The partner is not asking to be a stay-at-home parent; he appears to be refusing to work.
- Setting boundaries now is essential, even though it should have happened years earlier.
- The healthiest environment for the children is likely one with stability, accountability, and a strong example of responsibility.
Final Bottom Line
The hosts’ stance was blunt: the investment idea is a bad move, and the bigger issue is the long-standing relationship dysfunction. Their recommendation was to stop enabling the situation, get professional counseling, and set a non-negotiable boundary about work and contribution.