Summary of Talking About Advice: The Moth Podcast

Overview of Talking About Advice: The Moth Podcast

This episode of The Moth Podcast (host Chloe Salmon) features a long-form conversation with advice columnist John Paul Bramer, creator of the Ola Papi column. They discuss the craft and ethics of giving advice (both online and in-person), the persona that advice writers cultivate, why strangers write to advice columns, and how storytelling and live performance intersect with advice-giving. The episode also includes John Paul responding to real reader letters on friendship slights, a lost painting, and a bullying friend — offering practical counsel and reflections on vulnerability, humor, and community.

Key points and main takeaways

• Origins and voice

  • Ola Papi began on Grindr as a humorous, satirical take on classic advice columns; it evolved into earnest guidance when readers sent heartfelt, vulnerable letters.
  • Using a “persona” (Papi/Poppy) lets the writer be compassionate and bold while containing personal risk and allowing creative expression.

• Balancing humor and vulnerability

  • Effective advice often mixes levity with empathy: humor can disarm, but earnest listening is crucial when people are vulnerable.
  • Advice columns function as both help and storytelling/entertainment; they must be readable and relatable to strangers as well as useful to the letter-writer.

• On giving advice and dealing with doubt

  • There rarely is a single “exact” right answer; treat advice as an artform and a conversation, not a science.
  • Expect to change your stance over time — some past advice may later feel wrong.

• Why strangers write in

  • People seek surrogate elders/mentors online, especially when they lack community or queer elders; social platforms and their cultural moments shape who writes and when.

• Storytelling and performance

  • John Paul describes the energizing effect of performing live at The Moth — marrying writing craft with stage presence.
  • He situates modern advice columns within a longer tradition: accessible platforms that historically opened doors to marginalized writers.

Reader questions and John Paul’s advice (practical recommendations)

• Wedding snub / lost friendship

  • Recommendation: Ask directly. A straightforward, calm message (congrats + “I’d have loved to attend; can we talk?”) often cuts through ambiguity.
  • Recognize that friendships sometimes drift without formal closure; confronting it gives clarity (even if the answer hurts).
  • Consider checking quietly with mutual friends to gather context before assuming the worst.

• Sold painting / regret

  • Two parts to consider:
    • Practical reality: once sold, the object legally belongs to the buyer — grief is valid, but the painting may be gone for good.
    • Emotional response: it’s reasonable to follow up (now that the buyer’s friend’s name surfaced) — ask politely if contact is possible; if denied, accept closure and channel grief into new work.
  • If the buyer or their circle uses your story/art publicly (e.g., in a song), it’s fair to request acknowledgment or make a polite inquiry.

• Bullying friend in friend group (Tom)

  • Options:
    • You can try a calm, direct confrontation (already attempted here with denial).
    • If denial and cruelty continue, set firm boundaries: stop one-on-one hangouts, be cordial in groups but disengage from his jabs.
    • Use subtle social techniques to halt mean-spirited momentum (eye contact, changing the subject, visibly not landing the joke).
    • Quietly coordinate with other friends — others may feel similarly; strength in numbers can shift group norms.
  • Avoid “bully back” escalation; protect your emotional energy and prioritize healthy relationships.

Notable quotes and insights

• “You got to calm down. You got to relax…you’ve got to enjoy the process.” — John Paul on advice to his younger self.
• “This is an advice column for a gay hookup app — I didn’t have to be Dear Abby.” — on Ola Papi’s original framing and how that freedom shaped the voice.
• “Most people are just one frank conversation away from the conclusion to their issue.” — on how many interpersonal problems resolve.
• Advice as craft: treat columns as both a resource and a piece of writing that should invite readers in.

Themes and topics discussed

• The ethics and craft of public advice
• Persona-building for advice writers
• Vulnerability, community, and queer mentorship online
• The interplay of humor and tenderness in counsel
• Storytelling traditions: advice columns and live storytelling (The Moth)
• Practical social/etiquette dilemmas (weddings, gifted/sold art, bullying friends)

Actionable tips for listeners who give or seek advice

• If you’re the advice-giver:

  • Be conversational, not didactic; combine compassion with clarity.
  • Use a consistent voice/persona to set expectations and boundaries.
  • Remember that advice is often artful, not precise — be willing to revise past opinions.

• If you’re the advice-seeker:

  • Ask directly when possible; ambiguous silence breeds rumination.
  • Protect your boundaries: if someone repeatedly makes you feel bad, scale back contact.
  • If grief is tied to a lost object or creative work, acknowledge the loss and consider creative outlets for closure.

Credits & production notes

• Host: Chloe Salmon (director at The Moth)
• Guest: John Paul Bramer (Ola Papi)
• Producers: Sarah Austin-Genest, Sarah Jane Johnson, Mark Sollinger
• Presented by Odyssey; full credits and pitch info at themoth.org
• Sponsors and underwriting messages in this episode included AstraZeneca (HATTR awareness), Alma, TikTok ads, Thumbtack, Lowe’s, and Grainger.

For someone pressed for time: listen for John Paul’s reflections on persona and vulnerability, and jump to the letter-response segments for concrete, practical advice you can apply to similar interpersonal dilemmas.