The Psychological Cost of Holding Emotions In & The Underrated Power of Oversharing - With Dr. Leslie John

Summary of The Psychological Cost of Holding Emotions In & The Underrated Power of Oversharing - With Dr. Leslie John

by Shawn Stevenson

1h 6m•May 27, 2026
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Overview of The Model Health Show with Shawn Stevenson

In this episode, Shawn Stevenson speaks with Harvard Business School professor Dr. Leslie John about the psychology of self-disclosure: why holding emotions in can harm mental and physical health, why “oversharing” is often misunderstood, and how revealing the right thing to the right person at the right time can strengthen relationships, trust, and even leadership. The conversation reframes disclosure as a learnable skill—one that requires emotional literacy, situational awareness, and a better understanding of the risks of both revealing and withholding.

Key Takeaways

Holding emotions in has a real cost

  • Suppressing thoughts and feelings is linked to increased physiological stress.
  • Dr. John cites research showing that even young children who are more expressive under stress show lower physiological reactivity than children who keep it in.
  • Over time, cultural conditioning can teach especially boys and men to hide emotions, which may contribute to poorer emotional processing and well-being.

“Too much information” is real—but “too little information” may be a bigger problem

  • The episode argues that while TMI can be awkward, TLI (“too little information”) is often more damaging.
  • When people don’t share appropriately, they can miss out on:
    • deeper trust
    • better romantic connections
    • stronger friendships
    • healthier workplace communication
    • support during hard times

Thoughtful revealing builds trust

  • Self-disclosure signals vulnerability and trust.
  • People often prefer someone who reveals something imperfect but real over someone who refuses to answer at all.
  • In many cases, revealing can create stronger impressions than hiding, especially when it shows honesty and authenticity.

Oversharing can have long-term social benefits

  • A moment that feels like embarrassing TMI may later become a connection point.
  • Dr. John shares examples where personal disclosure led to stronger mentorship, trust, and support.
  • Vulnerability from a respected or high-status person can be especially powerful because it gives others permission to be real too.

Psychological and Social Themes

Trust is the foundation of disclosure

  • When someone reveals something sensitive, they are taking a social risk.
  • The listener often responds with trust and connection if the disclosure feels authentic and appropriate.
  • This dynamic is central to human connection and relationship flourishing.

People are bad at mind reading

  • Couples often wrongly assume they know what their partner is thinking or feeling.
  • In one study discussed, couples guessed each other’s feelings correctly only about 20% of the time.
  • The takeaway: if you want to be understood, you usually need to say what you mean directly.

Emotional literacy is necessary for better communication

  • Revealing well starts with knowing how you feel.
  • Dr. John explains that many people can identify “good” vs. “bad” feelings, but struggle to name more nuanced emotions.
  • Tools like the emotions wheel can help people become more precise and self-aware.

EQ matters more than IQ in relationships

  • IQ = cognitive/book smarts.
  • EQ = the ability to understand your own emotions and other people’s emotions.
  • Dr. John argues that EQ is often more important for leadership, relationships, and day-to-day functioning.
  • Good communication and emotional intelligence are “soft skills” in name only—they have hard consequences in real life.

Practical Advice from Dr. Leslie John

Use “I feel” and “I need”

  • A simple communication tool:
    • “I feel ___”
    • “I need ___”
  • This helps turn vague emotional pressure into clear expression.

Ask whether revealing serves your goal

Before sharing, ask:

  • Why am I sharing this?
  • Is it to connect, vent, seek support, gain clarity, or assert something important?
  • Is this the right person and right time?

Consider both sides of the decision

When deciding whether to disclose, weigh:

  • risks of revealing
  • risks of not revealing
  • benefits of revealing
  • benefits of not revealing

This avoids the common tendency to focus only on the downside of being open.

Read the room

  • Oversharing is not always appropriate.
  • Context matters: work, family, friendship, conflict, and romance all require different levels of openness.
  • The goal is not to reveal everything—it’s to reveal wisely.

Use disclosure as a campaign, not a one-time event

  • Changing communication patterns takes repetition.
  • If you’re naturally reserved, revealing more may feel awkward at first.
  • Consistent effort can change relationship dynamics over time.

Notable Concepts and Examples

The “mind reading expectations” problem

  • Many people expect partners to just know what they want or feel.
  • Dr. John describes this as a deeply ingrained but unrealistic habit.
  • The fix is direct communication, not silent resentment.

Revealing can improve health

  • The episode discusses research showing that expressive writing and disclosure can have measurable health benefits.
  • One study mentioned found that HIV-positive participants who wrote about their stressors had healthier blood markers than those who wrote about neutral topics.

Personality traits linked to disclosure

  • Dr. John says agreeableness is the strongest predictor of comfort with opening up.
  • Extroversion is often mistaken as the key trait, but talkativeness does not equal depth.
  • Agreeable people tend to trust others more, which makes disclosure easier.

Action Items for Listeners

  • Notice where you habitually hold back emotion.
  • Practice naming your feelings more precisely.
  • Try the “I feel / I need” format in a low-stakes conversation.
  • Stop assuming your partner, friend, or coworker can read your mind.
  • Before important conversations, weigh both the risks and benefits of speaking up.
  • Use journaling or expressive writing as a private way to process emotions.
  • Treat disclosure as a skill you can improve, not a personality flaw.

Bottom Line

This episode reframes self-disclosure as a powerful life skill rather than a social liability. Dr. Leslie John makes the case that while oversharing can be awkward, under-sharing is often far more costly. The real goal is not to reveal everything—it’s to communicate honestly, intentionally, and at the right level of depth for the situation.