Overview of The Model Health Show — The Toxic Effects of Isolation & How to Improve Your Connectability (with Anna Runkle)
This episode explores how early life trauma and chronic disconnection physically and neurologically injure people—creating what Anna Runkle calls the "connection wound"—and lays out practical, evidence-informed steps to become more connectable: to regulate your nervous system, build boundaries, stop covert avoidance, and form real, healing relationships. Anna (Crappy Childhood Fairy) explains why many trauma therapies or repeated retelling can re-trigger dysregulation, and offers a concise daily practice (writing + meditation) plus social skills/behavioral shifts to restore belonging and resilience.
Key concepts and takeaways
- Trauma is not only psychological: it causes measurable physical changes (brain, hormones, immune system). Complex PTSD often centers on dysregulation.
- Dysregulation = impaired ability to manage emotions and physiology. It can be visible (meltdowns) or hidden (hormonal/immune effects, poor cognitive processing).
- Connection wound = a trauma-related impairment in feeling belonging, reading social cues, or naturally “connecting” with others.
- Covert avoidance = unconscious behaviors that keep people at arm’s length (only dating unavailable people, cancelling plans, “too busy” responses). It’s different from obvious avoidance.
- Crap-fit = Anna’s term for staying in unacceptable relationships/situations because leaving feels impossible due to abandonment wounding.
- Talking about trauma can re-trigger dysregulation for many people; alternative or adjunct practices (structured writing, meditation, re-regulation techniques) can help process experiences without retraumatizing.
- Healing connectability requires both internal regulation skills and real-world practice in relationships—there’s no purely cognitive fix.
Anna Runkle’s personal examples (why this matters)
- Grew up with neglect, alcoholism in family; experienced a violent assault and medical crises as an adult that exposed unresolved trauma and dysregulation.
- Tried traditional therapy and found frequent telling retraumatized her and prevented integration because she couldn’t regulate and retain insights.
- Found dramatic, lasting change after adopting a twice-daily practice of structured writing + meditation that helped process emotions, re-regulate, and then apply social skills practically.
- Became the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube to teach accessible skills; her work resonates widely because it articulates what many feel but can’t name.
Practical tools & strategies (what to do next)
Daily Practice (Anna’s core protocol)
- Twice daily: structured writing + meditation.
- Writing: name and write out distressing thoughts/feelings (fears + resentments). If you’re spiritually inclined, frame it as a prayer/giving it up to a higher power. Finish with a clear sign-off (“done until I feel better”).
- Meditation: ~20 minutes after writing to calm and consolidate.
- On hard days this can take longer; on easier days, five minutes of focused writing + brief meditation still helps.
- Purpose: move charged experiences into inert memory (process them) so they no longer hijack attention, decision-making, and social perception.
On-the-spot regulation
- Learn to notice dysregulation early (physical signs, shut-down, racing thoughts).
- Use immediate re-regulation techniques (breathing, grounding, short meditation, stepping away) before making decisions or responding emotionally.
- After re-regulation, speak or decide—with better judgment.
Social/behavioral skills to build connectability
- Practice boundaries: have scripts/ways to politely exit boring/unsafe interactions and protect yourself from being overwhelmed.
- Reduce covert avoidance: recognize patterns (dating unavailable people, canceling plans, keeping friends at arm’s length) and experiment with small, intentional connection steps.
- Test & learn: try social situations while using your regulation tools; expect mistakes and incremental progress.
- Service + contribution: helping others can catalyze connection and purpose when it’s authentic and sustainable.
Therapy cautions and guidance
- Traditional talking therapy can retraumatize if you’re not regulated; memory/perceptual processing may be too disrupted to integrate insights.
- Seek modalities that prioritize regulation, somatic approaches, or teach stabilization first. Writing + meditation can be safer ways to begin processing for some.
- If therapy retraumatizes you, consider switching modalities or incorporating regulation practices before revisiting traumatic material.
Common trauma-driven patterns (how they show up)
- Self-defeating behaviors and impaired consequence-prediction under stress (left-front cortical hypoactivity).
- Attraction to unavailable or high-drama people because intensity is misinterpreted as connection.
- Damaged perception: chronic doubt about whether “it’s me or them,” leading to paralysis in decisions.
- Masking or "suits of armor" that helped survival early in life but later prevent genuine belonging.
Actionable 7-step mini plan (quick start)
- Read or listen to a primer on dysregulation/complex PTSD (e.g., Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score).
- Start a simple twice-daily ritual: 5–20 minutes writing (fears + resentments) followed by 10–20 minutes quiet meditation.
- Practice a single on-the-spot regulation skill (deep 4-4-6 breathing, grounding) and use it during a stressful social moment.
- Identify one covert avoidance habit you have (e.g., canceling plans). Make one small counter-move this week (go for 30 minutes; bring a friend).
- Set one clear boundary script to use (graceful exit from a conversation or a firm “I can’t take that on”).
- Join/volunteer in a small group focused on a shared activity to practice connection in low-stakes settings.
- If in therapy, ask your clinician about regulation-focused/somatic approaches or incorporate the daily practice alongside therapy.
Notable quotes / insights
- “We’re built for this. We’re built to be resilient… but what if we get stuck?” — Shawn Stevenson (intro framing)
- Anna: “The core symptom [of complex PTSD]… is dysregulation.”
- Anna: “Covert avoidance is all the weird things we do to avoid actually getting close to people without even knowing that’s what we’re doing.”
- Anna on healing: “If a person who has lost a leg can get a prosthesis and carry on, I’ll find a way to learn how to connect.”
Where to find resources
- Book: Connectability: Heal the Hidden Ways You Isolate, Find Your People, and Feel at Last Like You Belong — Anna Runkle
- YouTube & brand: Crappy Childhood Fairy (YouTube channel + website)
- Anna’s website offers a free course teaching the daily practice and related materials.
Bottom line
Isolation and early relational trauma create real, body-level injuries that reduce our ability to read others, feel belonging, and make healthy choices. Recovery is practical and trainable: learn to notice dysregulation, use short re-regulation tools, practice a twice-daily writing + meditation routine, strengthen boundaries and social skills, and incrementally test connection in the real world. Change is possible—and connectability itself becomes a healing force when practiced and shared.