Summary of Stop Wasting Your Energy: How to Deal With People Who Won’t Change & What to Do Instead

Overview of Stop Wasting Your Energy: How to Deal With People Who Won’t Change & What to Do Instead

In this episode, Mel Robbins talks with Dr. Dolly Chugh, a social psychologist and professor at NYU Stern, about why people resist change and what actually works when you want to influence someone you care about. The core message: stop trying to force change through nagging, lecturing, or controlling. Instead, use science-backed strategies that work with human nature, not against it.

Dr. Chugh explains that people are protected by two “bodyguards” — energy and ego — that keep us in familiar patterns, even when we know better. The episode offers practical tools for changing yourself and helping others change with more empathy, less frustration, and better results.

Key Ideas and Main Takeaways

Why people don’t change

• Human behavior is heavily driven by autopilot, habit, and unconscious routines.
• Change often feels uncomfortable because it threatens:
  • Energy: the brain wants to conserve effort
  • Ego/identity: people resist anything that challenges who they believe they are
• Even when people know what they “should” do, they often don’t do it because knowing and doing are two different things.

The “good person” trap

• Dr. Chugh introduces the idea of being a “goodish” person instead of a “good person.”
• A “good person” mindset is static and defensive: I am good, therefore I must prove it.
• A “goodish person” mindset is growth-oriented: I am always learning, unlearning, and improving.
• This shift reduces shame, perfectionism, and the exhausting pressure to get everything right.

Change requires unlearning first

• The Stroop test example illustrates how change feels: when two automatic behaviors conflict, it creates friction.
• Real change usually means:
  1. Unlearning the old habit
  2. Learning the new one
• That friction is normal — it’s not proof that someone is incapable.

Tools for Helping Other People Change

1. Model change

• The best way to influence others is to show the behavior yourself.
• People are more likely to change when they see you:
  • taking ownership
  • being honest about your own struggles
  • demonstrating the behavior you want to see

2. Invite change

• Create conditions where people can try new behavior without shame.
• When someone makes a small attempt, don’t shut it down because it’s imperfect.
• Grace matters because people are often stumbling through the unlearning process.

3. Reward change

• Notice and name the effort when someone does something better.
• Rewarding can mean:
  • verbal praise
  • appreciation
  • acknowledgement of effort
• This helps reinforce the new behavior.

Communication Tools That Work

Push vs. pull

• Push = telling, directing, forcing
• Pull = creating conditions where the other person wants to change
• Push is faster, but pull tends to last longer and preserve agency.

The “heard, hugged, helped, or high-fived” question

Before giving advice, ask:

• Do you want to be heard?
• Do you want a hug?
• Do you want help?
• Do you want a high five?

This prevents you from accidentally giving the wrong kind of support.

The “weight rule”

• Ask yourself: “Why am I talking?”
• Before offering advice, consider whether the person:
  • asked for it
  • actually wants it
  • needs support instead of solutions

Feedback should focus on behavior, not adjectives

• Vague feedback like “be more polished” invites defensiveness.
• Specific feedback like “Slide 3 says hospitality, Slide 7 says food and beverage” is harder to argue with and easier to act on.
• Good feedback includes:
  • the expectation
  • the observed behavior
  • the impact

The one-to-10 rule

• Ask: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this?”
• This helps separate:
  • what’s truly urgent
  • what’s annoying but not essential
• It also reveals when you and someone else are fighting about different priorities.

Handling Difficult or Defensive People

Don’t give toxic behavior more oxygen

• With insulting or rude people, sometimes the best response is a short boundary or callout, like:
  • “Ouch.”
  • “Did you actually mean to say that out loud?”
• The goal is not to escalate, but to avoid endorsing harmful behavior.

Sometimes the feedback is the problem

• Defensiveness isn’t always the listener’s fault.
• If feedback is vague, emotional, or loaded with judgment, it invites resistance.
• Clear, observable behavior feedback works better.

Supporting vs. Enabling

• Supporting someone out of love can sometimes turn into enabling.
• If your help shields someone from consequences, you may be preventing growth.
• True support sometimes means:
  • stepping back
  • allowing discomfort
  • not rescuing immediately
• This is especially hard with adult children or loved ones who are struggling.

“Shout Outs” and “Own It”

Shout outs

• Publicly or privately notice what people are doing well.
• This reinforces good behavior and helps people feel seen.

Own it

• Take responsibility when you miss the mark.
• Examples:
  • “I was late.”
  • “I was distracted.”
  • “I didn’t manage that well.”
• Modeling accountability makes it easier for others to do the same.

Best Questions to Ask Yourself at the End of the Day

Dr. Chugh recommends ending each day with two questions:

• What did I learn today?
• Did I try my best?

These questions shift the focus from perfection and judgment to growth and reflection.

Final Message

The episode’s biggest lesson is that growth feels better than proving. When you stop trying to prove you’re a good person and start focusing on becoming a better, more aware, more flexible person, you reduce self-judgment and become more effective with others too.

The result: less fighting, less resentment, more empathy, and more real change.