Overview of Harvard Business School Professor: This One Research Study Will Change Your Life and Career
In this episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel Robbins interviews Harvard Business School professor and behavioral scientist Dr. Leslie K. John about the science of oversharing, undersharing, vulnerability, and trust. The central message is counterintuitive: most people worry too much about saying too much, when the real problem is often saying too little. Dr. John explains that revealing appropriately is a learnable skill that can improve relationships, reduce stress, increase happiness, and even strengthen influence and performance at work.
Core Takeaways from the Research
1. Revealing wisely is a skill
- People are not born “good” or “bad” at openness.
- Like any skill, disclosure can be improved with practice and awareness.
- The goal is not to share everything with everyone, but to share the right things with the right people at the right time.
2. Undersharing damages trust more than oversharing
- In study after study, people preferred the person who answered an uncomfortable question honestly over the person who refused to answer.
- Even imperfect disclosure often feels more trustworthy than silence.
- When someone withholds, others tend to assume the worst.
3. Sharing can feel good because we’re wired for it
- Brain imaging research found that when people reveal personal information, reward/pleasure centers in the brain activate.
- In other words, self-disclosure isn’t just socially useful—it’s often intrinsically rewarding.
4. Suppressing emotion can increase stress
- A study of preschoolers showed that children who expressed more on their faces while watching something scary were physiologically calmer.
- The takeaway: letting emotion out can help the body process stress.
- Dr. John connected this to cultural conditioning—especially for boys, who are often taught to “be strong” and hide feelings.
5. Secrets are mentally expensive
- Secrets don’t stay passive; they tend to create an unresolved loop in the mind.
- They can increase rumination, lower focus, and harm mental and physical well-being.
- Dr. John distinguishes between:
- Private information: boundaries you’ve consciously chosen.
- Secrets: unresolved, mentally heavy information you keep wrestling with.
Workplace and Career Lessons
Being open can increase influence
- Dr. John shared business examples showing that appropriate disclosure can boost trust and even revenue.
- One study with a large Australian bank found that revealing reasons someone might not want a credit card increased trust and retention.
Leaders who show weakness are often trusted more
- In experiments with managers, employees often preferred leaders who acknowledged a few weaknesses over those who presented a flawless image.
- The lesson: a little vulnerability can make you seem more credible, relatable, and trustworthy.
Emotion can be more persuasive than logic alone
- Feelings are not “noise”; they are data.
- In professional settings, explaining why you feel something can make a message more compelling, especially when tied to values or purpose.
- Example: “I’m crying because I care deeply about getting this right,” rather than just showing emotion without context.
“Catalyst confessions” can shift culture
- Dr. John described bold public revelations by leaders, such as Magic Johnson announcing he was HIV-positive.
- These moments can reduce stigma and catalyze larger social change.
Practical Tools You Can Use Today
1. Use the “I feel / I need” framework
When you want to be more open, try completing these two sentences:
- I feel…
- I need…
Examples:
- “I feel overwhelmed.”
- “I need a hug.”
- “I need you to just listen.”
- “I need help thinking this through.”
2. Replace “fine” with something real
- “Fine” often shuts down connection.
- If you’re not okay, try saying:
- “I’m tired.”
- “I’m anxious.”
- “I’m proud of myself.”
- “I’m not sure how I feel yet.”
3. Go one layer deeper in everyday conversations
Instead of only commenting on what is happening, ask:
- “What does that mean to you?”
- “When was the last time you felt that way?”
- “What’s that bringing up for you?”
This helps move conversations beyond small talk into real connection.
4. Audit your closest relationships
Ask yourself:
- Do the people closest to me really know how I feel?
- Am I talking mostly about logistics, or also about emotions?
- Do I share enough to feel known?
5. Match disclosure to the relationship
Dr. John emphasizes disclosure flexibility:
- Be open with trusted people.
- Be appropriately guarded when needed.
- The skill is knowing when to do which.
Important Distinctions
Oversharing vs. revealing wisely
- Oversharing is not the goal.
- The goal is honest, appropriate disclosure that deepens connection and builds trust.
Talkative is not the same as open
- Extroversion does not automatically mean emotional openness.
- Some talkative people still struggle to reveal what truly matters.
Shy does not always mean closed
- Introversion and undersharing are not the same thing.
- A quiet person may still be very emotionally open.
Notable Insights
- “The real damage comes from undersharing.”
- “Feelings are data.”
- “Surface-level interactions can leave you socially full but emotionally malnourished.”
- “Revealing wisely is a skill.”
Final Message
Dr. Leslie John’s core argument is simple but powerful: when you hide your feelings, you miss out on trust, connection, relief, and growth. The research suggests that opening up—wisely and selectively—can make your relationships stronger, your work life better, and your emotional life lighter.
Action item
Start today by telling one trusted person:
- how you feel
- what you need
That one change may be the beginning of a much more connected life.