Overview of Body Language Expert: 6 Psychological Tricks to Turn Awkwardness into Confidence
Mel Robbins sits down with behavioral researcher and body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards to explain how confidence is often communicated before you ever speak. The conversation focuses on practical, research-backed ways to feel and appear more confident, likable, and influential—especially if you’re shy, awkward, introverted, or burned out. The big idea: confidence is not just a mindset; it’s built through the way you manage your energy, use your body, choose your words, and structure your relationships and work.
The 6 Biggest Psychological Tricks
1) Stop treating burnout like success
Vanessa argues that busyness is not a badge of honor. High performers don’t try to outdo each other on how overwhelmed they are—they manage their energy intentionally.
- Separate social energy from work energy
- Notice what fuels you vs. drains you
- Be ruthless about saying no to ambivalent commitments
- Don’t confuse “I’m busy” with “I’m successful”
2) Use the Pygmalion effect to set expectations
Words shape behavior. Vanessa explains that highly effective people use labels and expectations to bring out better behavior in themselves and others.
- Call someone a “great presenter,” “magician with details,” or “master organizer”
- Use motivating labels for yourself too
- Replace generic calendar language with purpose-driven wording
3) Make likability a skill, not a personality trait
The most liked people are often not the most impressive—they are the ones who genuinely like more people.
- Be the first liker
- Say hello by name
- Express appreciation directly
- Don’t fake warmth; authenticity matters more than performance
4) Vulnerability makes you more likable
Trying to appear perfect can backfire. Small admissions of discomfort or imperfection make you more relatable and trustworthy.
- Share when you feel awkward, hungry, nervous, or out of place
- Acknowledge mistakes lightly instead of hiding them
- Vulnerability creates real connection
5) Use body language to trigger confidence
A major theme of the episode is that posture and movement change how you feel and how others perceive you.
- Keep your shoulders down and your ears away from your shoulders
- Hold your phone up and out, not hunched down
- Keep your arms open rather than tightly crossed
- Use visible hands when speaking
- A steeple gesture (fingertips together, palms apart) signals calm confidence
- Look for toe direction in a room to identify who people are focused on
6) Break autopilot in conversations and settings
Confidence grows when you stop defaulting to bland, automatic social patterns.
- Replace “How are you?” with:
- “What’s good this week?”
- “What’s been the highlight of your day?”
- “Working on anything exciting?”
- Avoid “What do you do?” unless needed
- Don’t ask “What’s your story?” unless you know the person is highly extroverted
- At networking events, avoid the entrance; stand near the bar exit or where people naturally re-enter the room
- If you’re alone, stand in the host’s eyeline
Practical Body Language Cues That Matter Most
What to do with your body
- Stand/sit taller
- Lower your shoulders
- Open your chest
- Use armrests when possible
- Face people directly
- Keep hands visible
What to avoid
- Hunched shoulders
- Chin tucked down
- Arms pinned to your body
- Drumming fingers
- Hiding your hands or slouching into closed posture
Why it works
Vanessa explains that these cues are not just cosmetic—they can affect:
- Perceived confidence
- Vocal power
- Breathing
- Cortisol and stress response
- How safe or powerful your brain feels
Productivity and Focus: The ABCD Work Method
Vanessa shares a simple framework for managing work and avoiding burnout:
A work
Tasks you’re exceptional at and that give you energy
B work
Tasks you’re good at, but not elite at
C work
Tasks you’re average at and slightly embarrassed by
D work
Tasks you’re bad at and should delegate or minimize
Goal: Spend more time on A work, level up B work when helpful, and give away as much C and D work as possible.
She also recommends using the same logic for social energy:
- A people: relationships that energize you
- B people: good, but not essential
- C/D people: draining or ambivalent relationships to reduce
Conversation and Social Strategy
Better questions to ask
- “What’s good?”
- “What’s been the highlight of your week?”
- “Working on anything exciting lately?”
- “Any fun plans coming up?”
Better framing
- “Collaborative session”
- “Brainstorm meeting”
- “Mastery meeting”
- “Power-through day”
These phrases prime people for the kind of behavior you want, instead of putting them on autopilot.
Notable Insights
- Burnout is not a sign of success.
- Ambivalence is often more draining than outright negativity.
- People are contagious—both confidence and fear spread.
- You don’t have to say more; you have to say things more purposefully.
- Confidence is built through repeated cues, not just positive thinking.
Final Takeaway
The episode’s core message is that confidence is not reserved for naturally charismatic people. By managing your energy, using better words, choosing stronger body language, and being more intentional in relationships and work, you can look, feel, and act more confident immediately. Vanessa’s advice is practical and actionable: take up space, speak with purpose, like people openly, and build a life that gives you more energy than it drains.