Overview of "How to make – and keep – friends" (The Washington Post — Post Reports Weekend)
This episode explores why making friends as an adult is hard, what the science says about the health value of friendship, and practical approaches to building and sustaining friendships. Host Maggie Penman interviews journalist and author Billy Baker (We Need to Hang Out), attends a Real Roots friend-making event, and tries the techniques on-the-ground — including a vulnerable ask to a coworker — to demonstrate how small, regular actions can create lasting connections.
Key takeaways
- Friendship matters for mental and physical health — researchers and public health leaders have called loneliness an epidemic.
- Making friends as an adult takes intention; treat friendship like a scheduled, recurring part of life.
- Small, regular “velvet hooks” (soft, repeatable connectors) keep people together — e.g., weekly meetups, shared activities.
- Vulnerability works: a brief, honest ask to hang out often leads to a positive response.
- Group size matters: three people is great for humor/laughter; four is about the conversational limit before groups split.
Main points and themes
- The loneliness problem: Many adults unintentionally drift into social isolation (COVID amplified this), and loneliness carries measurable health risks.
- Two approaches to rekindling or creating friendships:
- Reconnecting with old friends can be rewarding but you can’t live in the past.
- Build friendships where you are now by creating predictable touchpoints.
- “Velvet hook” metaphor: a soft, dependable connector that creates proximity and repetition (e.g., Wednesday nights, gym buddies, activity groups).
- Practical social science: liking people who show they like you, bonding via shared activities and even mutual gripe sessions, the dynamics of small groups.
- Activities as accelerants: Pick things you enjoy (sports, classes, hobby groups) to meet people who already share interests.
Notable quotes / insights
- Billy Baker: “The gift I gave myself is to put friendship on the to-do list every day.”
- Velvet hook explanation: think of a soft, regular connector that keeps people coming back — not forced, but scheduled.
- On vulnerability: “You take two seconds of courage.” Often, people want to hear they’re missed and would welcome more time together.
Practical tips & action items
- Identify your “velvet hook”:
- Pick one recurring activity you enjoy (gym, pickleball, a league, book club, weekly walk).
- Invite others to make it regular (e.g., “Want to do this together on purpose?”).
- Schedule it: put a recurring event on the calendar (weekly or biweekly) to create predictability.
- Start small: aim for groups of 3–4 for best laughter/conversation dynamics.
- Make the ask: choose one person you miss or feel a spark with. Send a short, direct message: “I’ve been thinking about you—want to grab coffee and hang out more?”
- Convert proximity into friendship: coworkers, neighbors, or people you repeat-run into can become friends if you add an activity and a consistent meeting.
- Use apps/events for structured introductions (the host tried Real Roots) but follow up with recurring plans to convert meetings into relationships.
Examples & anecdotes from the episode
- Maggie attends a Real Roots event in D.C. — initially nervous, she meets a range of people (ballroom dancer, nurse, aid worker). Events can produce connections but require follow-up.
- Billy Baker’s journey: viral Boston Globe article → book We Need to Hang Out → created weekly “Wednesday night” groups; learned to start new friendship bands rather than only resurrect old ones.
- Maggie’s on-air experiment: she asked a colleague to be friends out loud; the colleague responded positively — illustrating that direct vulnerability can succeed.
Resources & further reading
- Billy Baker — We Need to Hang Out (book) — referenced in episode; hosts include a link in show notes.
- Real Roots — friend-matching app used by the host at a meetup.
- Surgeon General advisory on loneliness — named as backdrop to the public-health dimension of the issue.
Final practical prompt (quick homework)
Close your eyes, name one person you’d like to see more, then:
- Send a short message: “I’ve been thinking about you — want to grab coffee/come to [activity] next week?”
- If they say yes, schedule a recurring touchpoint (even monthly).
- If you want new friends, pick a velvet hook activity you enjoy and show up consistently.
Call a person, make plans, and treat friendship like a priority — small, regular steps compound into meaningful connection.