Overview of Dating Expert Sabrina Zohar: You’re Not Confused, You’re Ignoring the Signs (Jay Shetty / iHeartPodcasts)
This episode features dating coach and creator Sabrina Zohar in conversation with Jay Shetty. They unpack why people repeatedly chase the wrong partners, how childhood wounds shape dating patterns, practical signals that someone is (or isn’t) right for you, and concrete mindsets and tools to stop the “what if” loop and date from clarity and self-trust.
Key takeaways
- Effort = interest: look for consistent, reciprocal effort (plans, follow-through) rather than dopamine-driven signals (random texts, “butterflies”).
- Your state (nervous-system regulation) shapes your story and your strategy — regulate first, then decide.
- Repetition compulsion: we often date the unhealed parts of ourselves and repeat familiar (even unhealthy) dynamics.
- Capacity vs. ability/bandwidth: someone can want to be present but not have the capacity; distinguish between lack of willingness and lack of capacity.
- Boundaries, non-negotiables, and advocating for yourself are essential foundations of healthy dating — trust is earned incrementally.
- You can’t “love someone into change.” People change when they choose to; you can only decide whether to stay while they do the work.
Main topics discussed
- How to tell if someone is into you: focus on how you feel in your body (safe, seen, secure) and on consistent, intentional behavior.
- Why people chase unavailable partners: early attachment, learned safety in chaos, and not feeling choice/power.
- Immediate red flags: lack of accountability, blaming language (“all my exes are crazy”), dismissing boundaries, “you deserve better” as a brush-off.
- The “go slow” principle: avoid accelerated intensity that shortcuts vetting; welcome someone into your life only after they earn it.
- Texting and communication norms: texting is a dopamine loop—assess state and stories rather than obsessing about response speed; prefer calls for nuance.
- Foundations and non-negotiables: being done with exes, growth mindset, respectful behavior to others, capacity to repair after rupture.
- Grieving and moving on: healthy endings require grief; failing to grieve keeps you stuck repeating patterns.
- Reparenting and self-advocacy: identify where you learned not to advocate, give your younger self what they needed, then speak up as the adult.
Notable quotes / insights
- “When you're with somebody, I don't want you to focus on how do they feel about me. I want you to focus on how do I feel in my body when I'm with this person.”
- “Repetition compulsion — you're going to date the parts of you that haven't been healed.”
- “Your state determines your story determines your strategy.”
- “Trust is conditional. I give you a little, I see what you do with it. I give you more.”
- “If you don't have your back, who is going to?”
Red flags & emotionally unavailable signs (quick reference)
- Uses blanket blame: “All my exes are crazy.”
- Says “you deserve better” as a way to exit rather than grow.
- Pushes back, mocks, or minimizes your boundaries.
- Keeps conversations intentionally shallow or avoids emotional topics.
- Won’t commit or consistently pulls away after initial intensity (love-bomb → withdrawal).
- Says they’re “emotionally unavailable” and have no plan to work on it.
Practical action steps (what to do next)
- Check your nervous system first
- Pause when triggered. Breathe, walk, or use a simple grounding practice before responding.
- Create a short list of non-negotiables
- Examples: done with ex; treats others well; respects boundaries; growth-minded.
- Use the “for now” framing
- When excited, add “for now” to avoid premature projections (“I like this person — for now”).
- Go slow and protect access
- Keep your life intact; don’t make someone immediately omnipresent in your calendar or emotions.
- Ask clear questions early
- Example: “How did your last relationship end and what did it teach you?” or “What are you looking for right now?”
- Set and enforce boundaries
- Give feedback if a boundary is crossed. If someone refuses repair, reassess the relationship.
- Grieve and clear space
- Allow time to process endings so you can choose freely going forward.
- Reparent the wounded part
- Small practices: speak kindly to your younger self, journal what they needed, use affirmations and/or therapy.
- Seek professional support if needed
- Therapy or coaching for attachment wounds, trauma, or chronic patterns.
Rapid-fire distilled positions (Sabrina’s short answers)
- “If he wanted to, he would” — disagree; oversimplifies complexity and context.
- “There are no good men” — disagree; confirmation bias often hides the good ones.
- “When you know, you know” — partially disagree; timing and growth vary by person.
- “Once a cheater, always a cheater” — disagree; change is possible if accountability and repair happen.
- “You’ll meet someone when you stop looking” — agree with nuance: when you release control and live fully, you’re more likely to meet someone who fits.
- “It should feel effortless with the right person” — disagree; healthy relationships still require work and mutual investment.
Who this episode is for
- People repeatedly attracted to unavailable partners.
- Anyone exhausted by dating apps and unclear relationships.
- Those ready to stop chasing certainty and learn boundary-setting, self-advocacy, and regulation tools.
- Partners who want clearer frameworks for mutual repair and growth.
Quick listen guide (time-savers)
- Listen for the “state → story → strategy” framework (central practical model).
- Pay attention to the red-flag checklist and Sabrina’s examples of language that signals avoidance.
- Note the short behavioral scripts: how to ask about intent, how to set a boundary, and “for now” phrasing.
Final recommendation / next steps
- Start one small practice today: pick one boundary or non-negotiable and communicate it on your next date or match.
- If you’re repeatedly triggered by dating dynamics, consider therapy or a coach to work through attachment wounds and to expand your window of tolerance.
If you want to quickly share one line from the episode: “Your state determines your story determines your strategy” — it’s a concise lens to pause, regulate, and act with intention in dating.