Overview of To Be or Not to Be a Parent from NPR Life Kit
This NPR Life Kit episode explores how to make the deeply personal decision of whether to become a parent, featuring psychotherapist and author Merle Bombardieri, who has coached people through “the baby decision” for nearly 50 years. The conversation focuses on how to think about regret, uncertainty, timing, partner disagreements, and practical exercises that can help people understand what they truly want from their lives.
Core Idea: There Is No Perfect Choice
Merle Bombardieri’s central message is that there is no flawless answer to the parenthood question.
- Choosing to have a child means giving up some freedom, spontaneity, and control.
- Choosing to remain child-free means giving up the experience of raising a child and what that might bring.
- The goal is not to avoid regret entirely, but to choose the path you will regret least.
She argues that people often get stuck because they want certainty, but uncertainty is part of any major life decision.
Key Takeaways from the Episode
1. Regret is normal, but it should not drive the whole decision
Merle says every major choice involves loss, and that some regret or second-guessing is inevitable. The trap is expecting a “perfect” decision and then feeling paralyzed.
2. Being intentional matters
She strongly favors making a conscious choice rather than drifting into parenthood or child-free life by accident or default. Making an active decision helps people feel more in control and more prepared for the life they choose.
3. There is a possible “best of both worlds”
Merle suggests that for some people, waiting until their late 30s can create more balance: time to build a career, travel, and know themselves better before having a child. This is not universal, especially for people with fertility concerns, but it can help some people feel they’ve lived both kinds of life.
4. One-child families are valid
The episode pushes back on the “your child needs a sibling” assumption. Merle notes that one-child families can work very well, especially for couples or single parents who want children but also value balance, finances, or personal capacity.
5. Partner differences do not always mean breakup
A major theme is how couples handle mismatch:
- One partner may want children, while the other does not.
- Merle encourages honest listening, creative compromise, and exploring middle-ground possibilities.
- But she is firm that someone who is truly a “zero” on parenthood should never have a child just to please a partner.
Practical Exercises Merle Recommends
Chair dialogue
A solo exercise where you sit in two different chairs and let the “have a baby” voice and the “stay child-free” voice speak freely.
- Helps reveal emotional energy, not just logical pros and cons
- Often surprises people by showing which side feels stronger
- Best done alone before talking with a partner
Knapsack exercise
Imagine your life backpack being “kicked open” by the arrival of a child, and identify what falls out.
- Could be hobbies, sleep, travel, career focus, or couple time
- Helps reveal what you would be giving up
- Also helps parents think creatively about how to preserve important parts of their identity
Swedish family hotel thought experiment
A visualization of a highly supportive parenting environment with community, shared space, childcare nearby, and generous leave.
- Helps people assess whether their hesitation is about parenting itself or about lack of support
- Reveals what conditions would make parenting feasible or desirable
Fears and Uncertainty Discussed
The episode spends time on the common fears that shape the decision:
- Climate change and the future of the world
- Pain of childbirth
- Fear of loneliness later in life
- Worry about having a difficult or ill child
- Loss of identity or freedom
Merle’s advice is to acknowledge these fears without pretending the future can be known. She encourages people to seek data, role models, and practical support, but also to accept that not all fears can be resolved.
Single Parenthood by Choice
The episode also addresses becoming a parent without a partner.
- A strong support system is essential
- Single parents must think realistically about who will help in emergencies and day-to-day life
- Merle challenges the stereotype that single parenthood is necessarily miserable
- She argues that if parenthood is chosen intentionally, it can still be a rewarding and healthy path
Final Message
Merle’s closing advice is that not knowing is okay.
- Ambivalence does not mean something is wrong with you.
- The process of figuring it out can itself lead to growth.
- People are allowed to change their minds over time.
- The right decision is the one that fits your values, your life, and your circumstances—not anyone else’s expectations.
Bottom Line
This episode offers a thoughtful, nonjudgmental guide for anyone wrestling with whether to become a parent. Its core message is simple: make the choice consciously, expect some uncertainty, and prioritize the life that feels most authentic to you.