Overview of The power of giving & receiving advice
This NPR It’s Been a Minute episode features host Brittany Luse talking with NPR Embedded producer and author Raina Cohen about the social power of advice: when it deepens friendship, when it crosses into judgment or control, and how asking for help can actually create more connection. The conversation also serves as prep for Luse’s upcoming live advice show, Please Advise, and focuses on how to give advice thoughtfully and receive it without losing your agency.
Key Themes and Takeaways
Advice can strengthen relationships
- Advice is often a form of closeness: it shows someone trusts you enough to share a vulnerable problem.
- Friends can have outsized influence because they know your values and context better than strangers.
- The right advice, or even just a good question, can help someone see their situation differently.
Unsolicited advice can feel like judgment
- Advice offered without being asked for can create distance or resentment.
- Even well-intentioned advice can land badly if it feels like criticism or a demand to follow someone else’s values.
- Cohen suggests checking your motivation before jumping in: are you helping them, or trying to reassure yourself?
Giving advice well means being curious, not controlling
- Instead of saying “You should do X,” try:
- asking open-ended questions
- sharing your own experience
- framing your input as one option, not the answer
- This approach gives the other person room to choose what fits them.
Asking for advice is not the same as outsourcing your decisions
- People sometimes ask for advice because they want reassurance, not because they want someone else to decide for them.
- Cohen notes it helps to know whether you want:
- information
- validation
- shared decision-making
- or for someone else to take the lead temporarily
- Being conscious of that difference makes advice-seeking more useful.
Not asking for help can limit connection
- Many people avoid asking for advice out of fear of rejection, judgment, or appearing weak.
- But going it alone can mean missing chances to connect, learn, and be supported.
- Asking for help also gives others permission to ask you for help later, creating a reciprocal support loop.
Practical Advice from Raina Cohen
For giving advice
- Start with curiosity.
- Ask what the person actually wants: advice, validation, or just a listening ear.
- Share experience rather than prescribing a solution.
- Be mindful of your own values and avoid projecting them onto others.
For receiving advice
- Decide whether you want advice or just support.
- Remember that advice is optional data, not an obligation.
- Take in what’s useful and leave the rest.
For people who never ask for advice
- Recognize that self-reliance can sometimes mask fear or shame.
- Reaching out can build intimacy and make it easier for others to open up too.
- Even small disclosures can start a chain of support among friends and wider circles.
Closing Thoughts
The episode’s core message is that advice works best when it’s relational, not domineering. Good advice is less about having the right answer and more about creating space for honesty, reflection, and mutual care. In that sense, advice is not just guidance—it’s a way of building and sustaining friendship.